Drifting

Okay, this is quite weird as for some reason the words are not showing up on my screen so I'm hoping that I am spelling correctly. Otherwise, this might be like a word maze. Oooh, that's much better, I can see now :)

Some days, well okay, most days I feel as I am just drifting through life. In the past, I've always had deadlines and something to look forward to. I've always been committed and driven to do well with whatever I was doing at the time whether it was teaching, being a student, being a graduate assistant, being a role model for the Natural Helpers, teaching athletes study skills, being a career counselor, etc. However, right now I don't really feel that commitment or the sense of purpose I use to have. I think that may be part of the reason I am still quite struggling with the divorce. Summer, in the past always meant time with friends and time to spend with Josh. It wasn't all play of course, I did work a lot during the school years and summer as Josh has repeatedly let me know that is one of the reasons he felt I was never in the marriage. Lately, I've really been thinking about that age old question "what is my purpose?" I have no idea, I know I want to help people but that can be done in a magnitude of ways and even though currently I am in the "helping" profession, I often don't feel like I am helping or at least in the way I would like to help.

At the same time, I do want to help people, I also want to be able to make a little more money. I never thought that I would be someone to say such a thing. I've always known that I didn't go into education for the money but after being able to not have to worry about money (well, until Josh left), I did get use to being able to go out to eat once in a while, getting somewhat nice clothes. Josh always did make fun of me because he would consider what I thought was expensive, quite cheap. I'd like to be able to take vacations and not have to worry about money but the salary I have does not even make enough for those little vacations. This really dawned on me a couple weeks ago when I went to a conference and on the way up to the conference, some of hte other passengers were discussing why there were very few single people as advisors in the college i work in, it all came down to money because in one lady's words "it's impossible to live off this salary by yourself". I wouldn't say impossible but it definitely makes you watch your money. Especially, this week having received some very expensive, unexpected bills in the mail. I ended up calling Josh because I was so freaked out and had no idea how I would end up. Josh was really nice to me when I had called and then all of my guilt started to come back.
Maybe one day, hopefully soon, I'll start to feel much better about things. I know I've done some not so great things but I hope to be able to contribute something to the world. I don't know what that is but hopefully through some more of soul searching and figuring out my likes, needs,and wants, I will be able to have more time to think.

I'm tired again so it's off to bed. One of these nights, I'm going to stay up later to blog somewhere and just enjoy myself.