It came today :(

Well, the divorce papers came today. After work I went shopping (on a very tight budget!) since none of my clothes fit anymore and I'm really tired of wearing super baggy clothes and my little sister's belt to help hold the pants up. When I did finally come home, just a little while ago, I saw a big envelope stamped "To: ..........." From: "District Court". It's the finalized copy of the divorce decree. I really don't want to cry right now so I decided to wait to open the envelope up until tomorrow. I know I'll be a nutcase reading them, especially since now I will have to actually go and change my name, every where. Credit cards, car insurance, life insurance, driver's license, social security card, bank information, gym membership, work, health insurance, cell phone company, church, and I know there is more but I can't even think of them right now. I do know that each time I go to change my name, it's going to hurt and I'll probably still cry for quite awhile.

In order to try and improve my thoughts once again, I'm starting a new book that I wish I would have started much earlier. It's called Rebuilding: When Relationships End and apparently a lot of divorce support groups have used this as their model so I'm hoping it's helpful. All the reviews I've read have been good so I'm hoping it helps a bit. Especially after reading that darn mid-life crisis at 30 book. I did like the 2nd half of the book better since there were little pieces about famous women, what they were doing at 30 and what there were doing now. I did find one chapter very enlightening and very true, an excerpt written by a journalist found on page 244

"The real rub in life is when the extraordinary becomes the ordinary,which it inevitably does, time and time again, especially in relationships. I'm not saying marriage is destined to be dull, but if you want the honest truth, here it is: Marriage can be hell. And the grass i snot greener on the other side. So ou may as well love the one you're with." Then later it goes on to say "Marriage wasn't designed to make you happy- you must do that for yourself. Happiness comes from the wellspring of your heart, not from another person, even if you have ht greatest husband on Earth, which I happen to think i have got. Today, i think that. ha1 Tomorrow, it may be a different story, and so goes the real marriage, heaven one day, hell the next".

This was the first person's story that I have agreed with in the entire book and it's something I wish Josh would have also realized. Josh told the counselor and me that marriage shouldn't need to be worked at, it's something that should just be. This frustrated me because I believe it is something that should be worked on and constantly worked on. Hopefully, some day he will learn this lesson.

Well, I have actually made it an entire day without crying. Maybe I can do it again tomorrow, especially while reading the finalized copy of the divorce papers. Still saddens me, to know a person 10 years, date for 5, married for 4 and then have it all dismissed on paper within a matter of weeks. Quite sad, in my mind.

when you think your'e doing well and then

you realize that the person that was suppose to be the one to be by your side and go through life's trials and tribulations erases you from your linkedin network. Seriously, it feels like a childish game. I was actually doing okay until I came to this realization. I had had a pretty decent weekend, only cried on my way to church and in church which is much better than my typical weekend. I went all of today without crying and then went to accept another linkedin invitation and noticed that my connections had gone down. Usually, this doesn't happen because most people don't unlink people. I don't know if he unlinked me because my profile still had part of his last name on it because I was waiting for all of the legal paperwork to come through before I changed everything, or if it's because he doesn't want people to know he use to be married, or if he was really upset with me and thinks I'm a crazy ex-wife lady after he received my letter. I don't know the reasonings and probably never will but it still didn't feel very good.

I just keep telling myself, one day, take one day at a time and one day, it will all feel much better.

How does a divorce, even with out kids, mess one up so completely?

Today, I took the day off to apply for new jobs, the problem is I really have no idea what I want to do or what I want out of life. When I was teaching, I really did enjoy the actual teaching aspect, I just wasn't fond of the paycheck or not having my own classroom and not being seen as a "real" teacher by the students since I didn't have my own room and taught at two different schools. Before college, I absolutely loved my job as a receptionist at a real estate office. During college, I greatly enjoyed being a community advisor, working in the admissions office, being an Orientation Peer Advisor, staffing the front desk. etc. During graduate school, I enjoyed being a graduate assistant in the Counseling and Wellness Center supervising a group of 60+ students and 4 employees. Pretty much anything that kept me busy and had me interact with other people was great for me.

Now, in my job I have no co-workers, I have no actual work, and I'm bored throughout the entire day. I feel as though I haven't learned very much and that my brain is going haywire because I miss learning things. There were three constants in each type of work I enjoyed, one constant was the ability to be in charge and to always be learning, the other constant was to always be able to talk to Josh. Right now, I have neither of those constants and it's really mad me sad. I have no idea what I want to do. I know that I would like to make more money. Previously, money wasn't a big factor for me but Josh made a good amount and I did get use to that standard of living. I would like to be able to live like that again but I would also like to be able to do the things that we did together, together again. Knowing that won't ever happen crushes me and I just don't know how to get out of this state of feeling.

My goal today was to apply for some more jobs, instead I applied for one and took some more career interest surveys. I'm only 30 but yet I feel like I'm too old to be starting over and I've been having a lot of panic attacks regarding this.

I want to keep talking about the divorce because it does still hurt but I feel like I've talked about it too much too my friends and I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I just feel lost and incomplete inside. I know that some day I will be back there, I'm just not sure when and I really don't know how to speed up the healing process. Maybe when I figure out my next step for life, I'll start to feel better instead of like I just keep drifting into nowhere.

It really is an emotional roller coaster

Today I was reading an article that was passed on to me regarding Emotional Rescue for divorces and it states:

"Even if it was relatively brief, your marriage was an important part of your life. So ending it is going to be painful.........Aside from the death of a spouse or child, the end of a relationship is the most stressful and emotionally painful of life's experiences. Divorce affects every single facet of your life from finances to material possessions to accommodations. But during the initial stages all of these take a backseat to the emotional losses of love, security and the myth of "happily ever after".

"Many people who have gone through divorce say it's like an emotional roller-coaster ride: one day, you feel depressed and guilty, the next, angry and vengeful; and the next hopeful and calm. Sometimes you experience al these emotions in a single day. Little things can trigger surprisingly intense emotions: hearing a song on the radio, finding an envelope of holiday pictures, mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs."

For me, all of this rings true and it was kind of nice to read to help me realize that just because Josh has already moved on and is dating doesn't mean that I'm crazy for still being sad, hurt, angry and guilty. It also came at a good time because once I was out the door from work and in my car the fountain of tears sprouted once again. This week has been quite the roller coaster of emotions but I've mainly been sad and the guilt has started to reappear. Today, I spent most of the evening crying because I was looking for some keys and needed to clean my room anyway and then I found some of the letters I wrote to Josh since he left, found some of the cards he had given me throughout our marriage, prior to leaving, and received some mail addressed to Mr. Mrs.

I was also upset because I'm still trying to split up some of our bills and it frustrates me that he makes over three times what I make and that I'm struggling with the bills and I really do miss talking to Josh. I really want to move out of my parents house, I miss my own space, I miss having more than one room, I hate that my cats aren't allowed out of the room but I don't know where I'm actually going to be (hopefully I'll find a new job) and if I do go back to school next year, I want to be able to save up some money. Which brings me to trying to figure out what I want to do.

Today I researched Human Resources careers. I think I would like that type of career and I think it would be a great way to utilize my teaching and my counseling skills. I started looking at grad programs for Human Resources and some are just Master of Science and others are MBA programs so tomorrow my goal is to sign up for a GMAT class. I figure even if I don't go back for my MBA now, I enjoy taking classes and I miss learning so this would be a good way for me to focus on something and hopefully get my mind of Josh and maybe help me figure out what I want to do with my life. Somedays I feel old at thirty and other days I feel young. I do at least have the fact that I look much younger than my age going for me. Today, I was at the Dr's office and he asked what I was majoring in, the other week I got carded going to the MOA where you only need to be 16. I use to get upset with all of this but now I figure I'm thirty and it's a blessing to look young. Plus, if I do go back to school, possibly for my MBA noone will know how old I am :)

Goal for tomorrow: register for class, apply for new jobs, try to smile a little more, find storage keys to check on paintings, write thank you letters.

One day without crying- yippee!

I'm still sad and upset but I finally went a day with out crying. I took the day off of work and spent part of it at the dog park and the other part reading. The past two days have been really difficult, it all has been difficult. Monday night I was angry at the people who were telling me to get over it and probably was a little more mean than I should have been but I have since apologized. Yesterday evening I spent the entire night hiding in my room. Typically, I enjoy being around people but after receiving an e-mail from Josh that in actuality wasn't mean at all but for some reason I read too many things into the e-mail and pretty much freaked out. My dad was having his softball buddies over for a large party and I couldn't stop crying because all of my guilt came back so I decided to hide in my room for the rest of the evening. It was nice because I talked to a couple good friends and was able to finish some reading but I still felt quite guilty by the time I finally went to sleep. One of the friends I was talking with said something that made me really start to think about how I live my life. I haven't seen this friend in over a year but I talk with her quite often and she said "Maryanne, when I met you two years ago, you were so quiet but you had this positive spark that just shot from around you. Then,I got to know you better and you are one of the most positive people I have ever known, you try to find the best in everyone and I never heard you say a negative thing about anyone, you were never stressed out and never let the little things bother you but now I talk to you and I can tell you have lost that spark, how do we get that back?". This line really struck a chord with me because I haven't been the true me for quite a while and I'm trying to figure out how to get it back. Part of me thinks that it will come once I'm in a positive work environment instead of the environment I'm in now, part of me thinks it will come when I'm finally able to heal. I don't know how long it will take to heal but I know with how emotional and sensitive I am, it will be a long time. But, the conversation made me put trying to figure out what I want with my life into high gear.

Yesterday, I also received an e-mail from Josh that made me feel all of that guilt all over again. I really did try to be a good wife and had he told me any of his thoughts and feelings before he left, I would have tried to improve. Today, in a random conversation a person I was talking to described what she thought would be a "crappy wife". Her three statements of what a crappy wife entailed are 3 of the long list of reasons that Josh thought I was never in the marriage. It's this stuff that makes me feel bad, even though I know that he has been able to move on, that he is already in a relationship, that he is having a good time and is the "happiest" he has ever been makes me feel horrible. I never wanted to hurt him and knowing I did tears me up inside and I'm not quite sure how to stop feeling that way.

I'm also reading the book Mid-life Crisis at 30. The book makes me go back to feeling like I wasn't a good life and doesn't make me feel all that great as they define success as making money in the corporate world. I'm a former teacher, have a Master's degree in a human services field and work in education. If I stay in education, I will never make a lot of money but that has also never been a priority of mine. I have done a lot of thinking about switching careers because I do need to make a little more than I make now if I want to be back on my own again and not at my parents (the sooner the better!) and I want to work in an environment where my skills are utilized, where I talk/see my boss more than once every few months, where there is opportunity to meet other people, to present ideas, to use my creativity, etc. If I could be a professional student the rest of my life, I would be elated but I can't actually do that for a job so I've been trying to set up some informational interviews to try and figure out my next step. As my soon to be ex-mother-in-law told me, my self-confidence has always been linked to my job and how successful I've been and I've been in a job where I have been depressed because of the lack of work and the solitariness of the job and know I need to find a switch, I'm just not quite sure what that means. Do I go back to school for an MBA so I can be at the management level, do I take a couple classes in Human Resources Development to tie in with my counseling degree and start looking at Organizational Leadership, do I take a year off and teach abroad while I try and figure out life, do I just stay where I'm at and take classes for fun, do I apply to random things and see what comes of it? I don't know but I do need to figure out something as I'm definitely not looking forward to tomorrow but I do have to think positively, at least I do have a job.

Who knows how long it will take for me to heal from Josh, I did send the letter, I don't know if I should have, it wasn't mean but it did let him know some of the anger I have but also a lot of the things that I wish I could have had the chance to work on. Who knows how long it will take for me to figure out my next step in regards to career, but maybe I'll have some type of epiphany or at least realize that there really isn't a right or wrong decision and that it's okay to make mistakes. Hmmm, I need to figure out a way to get to that point.

Family reunion & anger

Yesterday I went to a family reunion. It is not fun having to explain why Josh isn't with me. Every one was very nice but I felt bad because everyone else felt bad for asking. For a couple people, the last time I saw them was at my wedding. One in particular came up and gave me a great big bear hug and asked how married life was. I wasn't quite sure how to respond so I just said "not good" and he responded with "how come" and then my response was "Got a divorce". Probably not the best way to answer his question but I was so tired of being asked about why he wasn't there and when we would be moving again. I felt like a complete failure. Everyone in the family has been married for a long time and people don't get divorces because when one makes wedding vows, it is for life, no matter what it should be worked on (unless abuse is involved). I guess that's where I get my belief in the sanctity of marriage which makes it even more difficult for me. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason but I still get sad knowing I couldn't "save" my marriage. I was on the verge of crying the whole day but it through with out crying until I got home.

Today, I want to knock down the next person who tells me to "just get over it because it's over and done with". Especially coming from a couple of men who are in their thirties and haven't even dated. Well, one has dated and his relationship lasted 3 months. Once you've had a husband/wife leave you without any warning and then not give you any chance to work on things and you are able to "just get over it". Then, come talk to me. Otherwise, don't tell me to start dating and definitely don't tell me to "just get over it". You are just making me like men in general even less. Don't tell me that I don't want to heal and that you can't understand why someone wouldn't want to start dating right away. Have you seen me? Would it be right to date someone when my heart isn't even it and when all I would be doing is comparing the person to Josh? Would it be fair to me to rush myself and put myself in the spot for a rebound relationship when those are known to by awful. I don't think so. Once you go to school and have your psychology degree, then you can explain to me why it's wrong that studies, counselors, pastors, say that the average amount of time to heal from a divorce is three years, that a rebound relationship has a 5 per cent chance of lasting, and why people say divorce can feel worse than a death of a spouse. Once you can truly and knowledgeably dispute those factors, then I will listen to you but as of now, it's just making me even more angry. After you've spent nine years with someone and have given them your heart and soul, planned the future, planned kids, have become a part of his/her family and then lost it all because you weren't a "good" wife or husband and you are able to "get over it", then you can tell me to get over it.

I'm really tired of people telling me to get over it. The divorce still isn't finalized. I still do miss Josh, I still do wish I could go back in time to change things. I still wish I could turn off the on/off switch for emotions. I know I can't do those things and I am trying to do better, it's just that with the events of the past couple weeks and the year anniversary of moving back, it makes me miss Josh even more and then it makes me angry knowing that he's with someone else.

No more tears please!

I thought I had done pretty well this weekend. I had only cried for a little amount of time this weekend, that is until this morning. For some unknown reason, every Sunday when I am on my way to church I spend the entire car ride crying and thinking about Josh. I feel guilty for the things that he said I did to hurt him, then I get mad for feeling guilty since I had no idea what I was doing was hurting him, then I get mad for how this all happened. It's the same every Sunday. On Saturday evening I was actually looking forward to church because it was the annual church picnic at the bandshell. Every summer, the churches from around the lake community host a Sunday at the the bandshell at one of the lakes. It is nice because every Sunday people can bike, walk, jog, bring their dogs and worship at the lake. This is the only time I've gone since the church I attend was leading it and I really like the sermons. After today, I've been thinking maybe it would be good to go to the other services as well so then I could save some gas money by bringing Dora and not having to drive 35 minutes back to get her and then to come back into the city to walk around the lakes. The reason I was excited to go to church today was because I thought since it would be outside and a different environment and not in the church where we got married that for once I would not cry on my way to church and in the service. On my way to church, I was a complete basketcase. Once I arrived and walked to the bandshell I was able to wipe away the tears. Well, until later in the afternoon.

A friend of mine had invited me to see Shakespeare in the Park this afternoon on the roof of one of the Pubs downtown. I was really excited to go because it was free and I had heard the play was suppose to be hilarious. It's the compeat works of Shakespeare the abridged version. The three actors perform all 37 plays in 97 minutes. My friend told me she was bringing another friend. Cool, I get nervous around new people but I do enjoy meeting new people. Well, as we were talking it comes out that the other girl is an intern at my friends work. She was talking about her classmates so I asked where she was going and what she was studying. Turns out she is one of Josh's classmates and was on the Brand Enterprise team he was on 2nd semester. Also, turned out that her and I had met at a charity auction the school put on. It was quite awkward though to hear about how great Josh is, how he's the life of the party, and such a great addition to CSOM. I tried to play it cool but I don't think it worked very well. I was hearing about all of these events where I would have loved to be able to attend, I was hearing about other things that would have been nice to hear from Josh. While talking to her, I really started to miss Josh. I do wonder if he ever does think about me in a positive way and I hope he does but with all of his anger towards me I just don't know if does. I miss him because he was truly my best friend and he said I was his and now he doesn't even talk to me. I still don't understand the whole situation and probably never will.
So I tried to be as cordial as possible and tried to put on the happy face once again, until.....

I drive home to pick up my dad because were were suppose to go out together as he has been hounding me for not being at home and not asking him to go with me when I go out. So tonight, we had made plans to go to this cool motor lounge that I thought he would enjoy. It was getting close to the time he was to be home and I get a phone call from my sister who happened to be in the truck with my father and now we are no longer going. I'm fine with this because now I am also worried about my sister because of what happened. My dad had to drive a little over an hour to pick my sister up at her house since her and her fiance only have one vehicle. Well, it turns out that my suspicions of some things regarding my sister's relationship were unfortunately true. Now I know my suspicions are true, i am very worried about my sister and I don't quite know how to help. I also really wanted to call Josh because these are the things I would talk to him about and he would be candid and now I can't even talk to him because we no longer have even a friendship. I guess this is what hurts the most is how he use to talk about how happy he was to be married to his best friend and than he could just dispose of me as if I was nothing. At times, I do wonder if he ever thinks of me in a positive light but I'm guessing probably not since he has so much pent up anger towards me. I don't know maybe one day I'll see this was all for the best, who knows what lies ahead. Hopefully this has and will make me stronger and hopefully one day I won't hurt anymore. Just have to keep going day by day, I guess.

Day by Day

Yesterday, I signed the divorce papers. I thought I would be a complete and utter mess while signing the papers. Luckily, I had plenty of distractions to stop me from being the mess. I took an hour off work to get to his lawyers office by four. On my way to the office a good friend of mine from high school who I have not seen since his wedding in 2000 called. He was in town for the evening and asked if I wanted to come meet his kids and see him and his wife that evening. His family still lives a couple houses down from my parents and I thought it would be a great way to keep my mind off things. Then another friend called to tell me that after I sign the papers I'll be able to start my "new" life. After he called another friend called. Those were all great distractions. When I got to the lawyer's office and went through all of the papers, I noticed that Josh hasn't even signed the new papers yet. Hmmm, here I was getting pressured to sign the papers from both him and his lawyer yet he hasn't even signed them yet. For some reason the fact that he hadn't signed the papers made me quite upset. I was proud of myself that I didn't cry while in the office. As soon as I got into my car the tears came flowing out yet again. I'm still hurt, I'm still upset, I'm still sad, I still don't quite understand it all but there isn't much else I can do.

This past week, I had been trying to get a hold of him through e-mail because I had a question on the phone bill. I was to cancel the phone lines but I went to cancel the phone lines I was only allowed to cancel mine, I wasn't allowed to cancel his since I was not an authorized user on that specific line. I had also had a bad dream about his grandparents and wanted to make sure they were okay. I had e-mailed him last Thursday, by Tuesday I still hadn't heard from him so I e-mailed him again. Thursday came, no response. I was frustrated by this point so Friday I sent him a text message. Short and concise just as my e-mails were. He finally responded but all he said was "sorry, swamped at work, will respond when I check e-mail this weekend". I'm sure he's swamped but I'm also sure he's making time for his new flame and his new friends and his new life. Pretty ironic that he doesn't have time to check his e-mail when when we were together, I couldn't ever get him away from the computer. I still miss talking to him but I just have to realize that it wasn't meant to be and I need to realize that even though he was a complete gentleman before this happened, he has turned into a jerk, at least relative to our situation.

Last night, I had also signed up for a weekly dinner that I have been attending where I have been able to make a couple new friends. It's odd that Josh told me he could never picture me going out to a club or dancing when I do like to go out. The night before I was out with fifty plus people at a bar (drinking only Sprite) and after the dinner, we went to a music cafe/bar to watch a band with about twenty people. The difference comes into play because when Josh had me go out with his MBA friends (one time), people weren't quite as friendly and didn't understand not wanting to get wasted. The people that I have met by going to places through this group are all in similar boats, just wanting to get out and meet people. The big group on Thursday was for beer lovers and I do not drink beer. I was a little nervous to go but a couple of my friends had stated that it would still be fine to attend. So I went and not one person made fun of me for not drinking. Instead people said "Glad you came out", "You have guts but it's nice to see you", etc. Everyone at these groups are quite welcoming and it's easy to talk to people and the first line isn't "What do you do?". At the MBA functions, that was always the first question and when I hadn't found a job yet, it was hard to answer because I wasn't feeling the greatest about not having a job and not being able to support my husband. When I did get my job and I absolutely hated it, work was the last thing I wanted to talk about. Josh never really understood that, he thought it was just because of my introvertedness and that I didn't want to be there. Again, he was far from the truth. I may be an introvert but I like to be around people. Last night at the dinner and the event afterwards, I had a great time. I've only known some of the people for a couple hours, others for a couple months but they are all friendly.

A couple of the people at the dinner knew I had signed the papers and each one brought me a side to talk to me a little bit and to check to see how I was. One brought me aside and asked how I was doing and I said "It finally hit me when I got him and my parents had finally taken down the wedding pictures". My mom had been hoping somehow that we would be getting back together and the picture of me and my dad from the wedding is probably the only picture we have where he has a great big smile. The day after our wedding, a friend of my parents had commented "That is the happiest I have ever seen your father, I think he had the best day of his life" and now the picture that represented a part of his happiness had to be taken down. When I was telling my friend this, his comment was "Those wedding pictures will be replaced with new ones, there is no doubt about it and I didn't want to tell you this but you are meant to be a mother and you will be some day". Not quite sure where the mother part came from but I definitely know that I am not thinking of getting married again. I need time to myself and to figure out who I am and who I want to be, I need to figure out what I want to do with my career and how I want to contribute something to the world.

Another friend pulled me aside and said "The world is your oyster, you have people surrounding you that appreciate you and don't even realize it. You need to find someone that appreciates you for who you are and will be honest with you, just remember the world is yours". On one hand, it's nice to hear confidence that other people have in you but I don't really care about dating right now, it's the last thing on my mind. I want to be able to get back on my feet and be happy with myself. I'm content with just trying to meet people, dancing, eating and having a good time. At times, I do wish that Josh could see me now because I think he would be quite surprised at what he would see.

On a different note, I decided to send Josh the letter. I'm going to send it tomorrow. I don't want to go through life wishing that I would have let him know how much he hurt me. It's not a horrible letter, it just talks about how I felt the night he didn't come home and could he imagine how that would feel, it talks about saying he wanted to use a mediator and then blindsiding me by going to a lawyer, also mentioned is how hard it is for me to change my name and I want him to know that even though it was hyphenated, it didn't mean that I was never in the marriage. I also apologized again for the things that he said I did that hurt him but instead of apologizing profusely as I have in the past, I say I could have worked on things, if I would have been told anything. It's a long letter, it's not nasty, it's just honest and I feel as though I've sat on the sideline taking his punches. I also decided I am going to send the birthday card to his mom. I considered her family for 7 years (not for the first two years we were dating)and I miss them. I figure it's not a phone call, it's just a birthday card with a thank you note. I decided this because I didn't want to regret not telling her how I felt either (all positive things).

So tomorrow I will be sending the letters, applying for new jobs, going to church and trying to "start anew". We'll see how it goes.

How do you turn it off?

Friday, I'll finally sign the papers. It's very bittersweet. On one hand it will be nice to just have it completed and to not receive any more "what is the hold up?" e-mails. At the same time, I still get really mad at the fact that I was never really given a chance to try and improve the marriage. Part of it seems like it has been a really long time. Josh decided not to come on December 15th and we had five months of what I called being "in limbo" where I was trying to be patient and trying to understand what happened, trying to improve in all of the areas that he said I was lacking and then at the end of April he said he wanted to go his separate ways. He filed in the middle of May. It does seem like a long time but in all of my research, it seems that most separations last about a year and a half and that typically most people had talked about separating before it happened and even lived together for a little while before deciding to try the separation. I guess that's what irks me the most is that I feel like I was doing all of these things that hurt him but he never told me. So, how does one improve if one does not know that he or she is doing something wrong?

On my way home today, the radio station that I listen to had a couples/sex therapist on. His main topic was how important honest, trust, and communication are in a relationship. I don't know why but for some reason when I heard this the tears just started to let loose. I had always thought we had this and before this happened Josh would always talk about how lucky we were that we had such a great marriage and understanding of each other. Yet, he would also say that I hard time communicating which I will admit that I do have difficulty showing emotions. However, he bottled all of his feelings for so long that it appears he wasn't honest and he definitely wasn't commuting which is quite unfortunate because I think things would have worked out much differently had he said anything. Pretty ironic consideringhe was unable to communicate in his marriage yet he is the communications coordinator for the MBAA association.

The therapist was also stating that the majority of marriages end within five years because people "give up" too easily when the first five years are the most tumultuous time of the marriage because of the high amount of stress. This stress includes combining debt, buying new homes, having kids, getting to know each other better, careers, schooling, in-laws, etc. We didn't have any kids, we bought and sold our house in CT, we did combine debt, we did both go back to school. He hated my family but neglected to tell me until he filed the papers, I loved his family and miss them dearly even though he thinks otherwise and thinks that I was just nice to them because that is who I am, not because I actually liked his family. He is quite wrong.

I also read more on how long it takes to "heal" from an unwanted divorce and as I've read before the average amount of time is 2-3 years. I'm hoping it's not quite that long because I've been going crazy and haven't been myself. I haven't watched tv for seven months (although, I think that's a good thing). This is the first week, I've actually started listening to the radio again while driving instead of just being lost in my thoughts, I've been late to almost everything except work (when typically I am extremely early for events and meetings). I haven't been able to be my happy go lucky self and I miss being that person. On the other hand, I have been able to worry a little less and I've met a few people that I would not have met had we not gone through this ordeal.

I'm guessing tomorrow won't be quite as fun either as I have to try to separate some more bills and then once the divorce is finalized I will have to go back and change my name on all of those bills. I'm still having a hard time changing my name and I wish Josh would understand that just because I hyphenated my name did not mean I was never in the marriage and never cared.

Hopefully, time will heal.

stop thinking

Today was one of those days that I just couldn't stop thinking about the stupid situation. At times I think that I should be able to just forget everything but then those little things start to remind me of Josh and then I get sad knowing that he thought I was never in the relationship and hard to please. My counselor is trying to convince me that he is a narcissist but I don't think so, I think he just never figured out who he was and never told me how he felt. Then I get mad at him for never telling me how he felt because I would have worked on those things that he said were bothering him. Then, I start to get jealous of whoever this new girl is that he is seeing and I wonder what she is like. Is she outgoing, is she tall, is she big busted, is she a leader, etc? Then, I start to wonder what he would think if he saw me now. He said that I was too shy and not outgoing enough for him.

The past seven months I have tried many different things to "distract" myself. I've joined clubs, tried new organizations, started going to church more often and joined a small group through church. I've done things that Josh would never have expected and I do go out once in a while (not to drink) but out dancing and stuff. The day after he left he said that he had looked out at the crowd when he was at the club when he snapped and realized he could never see me there because I'm too shy. Yes, I have a hard time "thinking on my feet" in large crowds at bars, especially because it is hard to hear, but I like to go meet new people and would have loved for him to invite me and to not have to worry about me as he said he always did.

Also, I've joined these new clubs/ organizations to meet new people and to try and create a "new" life for myself. I've been keeping busy and meeting new people but it would still be nice to be able to call a person in the cities and say "hey, want to go shopping" or "hey, want to go to the movies". I miss my friends that aren't directly in the cities. However, I do believe there is a reason for everything, though I haven't quite figured this one out yet. Maybe, it's that I needed to learn how to do things on my own and be by myself. I've spent quite a bit of time by myself, I've gone out to eat by myself, every Sunday I walk my dog around the lake a couple of times, I go to coffee shops by myself and much more. I've been making new friends and have had the options to do a lot of things such as go to the sculpture garden, attending birthday parties, etc but I still don't quite feel like myself. Some day I'll get there, I hope.

Midlife Crisis at 30! Career, marriage breakdown, kids....what does one do?

Since December I've had the opportunity to really do some soul searching but I really haven't figured anything out yet. Today, I picked up the book Mid-life Crisis at 30. Two successful woman in their early thirties came about a time where they both began wondering if it is possible to have it all. I chose to pick this book up because I've been contemplating the age old question "What do I want to do with my life?" and because unfortunately I was having a hard time with the divorce again today.

The book interviews 200 college educated women between the ages of 25 and 37. The only drawback for me is that most of these women had successful careers and were now wondering if it is possible to have a successful career and a family at the same time. Some had walked away from weddings, others had been working so much that they put there personal life behind them. For me, none of these really resonate, I don't have a successful career and right now I'm not even near thinking about a family any more as mine has dissipated. I have my Master's in Counseling but I really don't have a clue what I want to do. All I know is that I don't want to do what I'm doing now and I also know my current job was an instrument in the breakdown of my marriage as I was extremely depressed after starting the position due to the isolation and lack of social involvement.

When thinking about careers I know I want to be successful but success can be defined in a variety of ways. My definition of success has changed over the years, at first it was being able to influence children in a positive way. I never cared about money because I was pretty frugal. After living with Josh the past four years and picking up some of his spending habits, I do need to start thinking more about money because I have a lot of bills to pay and would like to be able to go on vacations, have stocks, have a retirement plan etc. Now my definition of success includes being able to be a leader and a role model (not done in my current job), having social interaction, taking home a decent income, and advising/influencing others. I've thought a lot about how to make a career switch but I don't want to be seen as a job hopper. At the same time, why stay somewhere that one is completely unhappy? I've thought about going back to school for my MBA (I'd like to learn a little about business, one of my previous thoughts was to be a director of a learning center but I don't quite have the business background), law school, or my PhD for education. All quite different which means I should definitely stay away from that for now. I've thought about trying to switch over to HR in a corporation but without the business background, I don't know if that is possible. Then I also start thinking about teaching again. When I was student teaching, both of my supervisors told me that they hoped I would never get burned out because I was one of the "gifted" teachers meaning that they thought I was meant to be a teacher. I put in a lot of time preparing lessons, etc but not nearly as much time as the other student teachers, I had a good re pore with the students and staff. When I was teaching, my principals told me the same thing. When I told my principals that I was leaving and moving also told me that they hoped I would never leave the profession. Maybe that's a sign I should go back. But, I haven't kept in contact with them so I have no idea how I would get a teaching reference. I know have options and that's the scary thing for me. What I ideally would love is to be a professional student where I could get involved with all of the organizations and be a leader within the student community. However, one needs a career so that probably wouldn't be good and I just graduated with my Master's a little over a year ago.

Another reason I would like to go back to school is to be able to decide something on my own and have my own accomplishment. Before Josh and I moved to Connecticut, I had been accepted to another school that I was pretty excited about moving to and then Josh had this great opportunity so I put my stuff on hold. Josh is the one that found the school in Connecticut (after we had been there for a while) to try and help get me out of my depression and out of my "I hate Connecticut" stage. I did enjoy my grad school but it wasn't the typical grad school experience and that also led to the breakdown of my marriage because Josh felt that school was my number one priority, he just never told me how he felt until after he left. He really was my number one priority but looking back I can see how he felt that way, I had 2 jobs, an internship, and classes at night. I was rarely home but I was trying to contribute something to our family income. The e-mail that I recently got from him still tears me a part inside when I think about what it says "I seriously tried to be a good husband, I cooked and cleaned, I supported you financially, I never blinked at the grad school bills, I was patient with your family"...etc. It makes me feel like I was a horrible wife but our deal was that while I was in grad school he would do the cooking and cleaning (I did the "major" cleaning) and then when he was in grad school I would do the cooking and cleaning. However, every time I would start to cook, Josh would stop me and say "let me do it", I would say "no, I can do it" and then he would say "No, I want to do it". So instead of arguing, I would let him do it. This was another piece of our "irretrievable breakdown of marriage" as he saw it as I was not contributing to the marriage. It really sucks to know that all of these things that he said made him so unhappy were all things that I could have easily worked on had he given me a chance by telling me what he was feeling instead of "snapping" one night and then telling me these things in counseling sessions after he had already moved out.

The reason I've had a hard time with the divorce today is because there always seems to be something little that reminds me of him and then I start thinking about how unhappy he said he was and how happy he is now and then I wonder if he'll end up marrying the girl he's now with. The reason I say that is because when we moved back to Minnesota, our neighbor had just graduated from the same program and he talked about how so many people end up getting married from the program because it is so intense and social (I don't think it caused a lot of divorces, though). I remember briefly thinking for just a moment, "I hope Josh doesn't find anyone else". I only thought that for a moment because I knew Josh and I knew he wouldn't do that. Apparently, I guess I didn't know him well enough. The small thing that made me start thinking about him more today was that I lost my storage keys and it's been so hot and humid here I wanted to check on the paintings that we had bought in Newport to see if they were damaged. Now losing things is not uncommon for me and Josh was always there to help calm me down and he would be able to find it in an instant. I still haven't found my keys. Another thing that reminded me of him was that I went suit shopping. He always had a good eye for clothes and could help me pick out articles of clothing that looked good on me.

The last thing that made me think about him was church. I go to church every Sunday and it is the church where we got married. Typically, I don't have quite as hard of time as I did today but I spent the entire service crying. There was a baptismal service which made me think of his niece and nephew who I miss dearly which then made me think of his mom and sister who I deeply miss our conversations. I miss speaking with his mom and talking about careers because she really understood me unlike my family. Her birthday is this month and I’m trying to decide if it would be all right to send her a birthday card and a thank you note because she really was a good mother-in-law, I’ve heard quite a few horror stories and though she was a little invasive, she always cared. When Josh first left, she could have easily just forgotten about me and pretended that I was never in the family. Instead, she would call and check up on me, take me to the casino, talk with me about my options and was really kind. I want to send her a thank you not for being a good mother-in-law but that might be a little awkward for her.

Also, while at church I just kept thinking of our wedding day. People would say that we both seemed very much in love yet Josh has said that he has felt that we were never as happy as other couples (meaning that I was hard to please). Now, at times I wonder if that was code for "he was unhappy". Even though, he'll just keep saying that I am hard to please. Anyone that knows me knows that is far from the truth, I'm pretty easy to please and very easily entertained. I just don’t know what to think anymore. All I know is that somehow I need to start healing but I don’t quite know how. I don’t know if finding a new job will start to help, if moving out of the state would help or if that would just make me lonely. I just need to find a way to stop thinking about him and his new life that he has now developed.

Suggestions welcome, as long as it has nothing to do with dating because I’m tired of people saying that’s how to get on with life. I’m still heart broken and in no shape to be dating, it wouldn’t be fair to another person to “pretend”. Also, input on whether or not it is appropriate to send the birthday card and thank you letter to his mom welcome.

my crazy mind

Due to the holiday week, work has been even slower than normal. I had been really enjoying work since I've been in a different department for the past month. There is always something to do, someone to call, a problem to solve, people to talk to and just work in general. This is quite opposite from the school year where even students comment on quiet it is in my lonely office on the third floor of a building where all faculty keep there doors closed. I don't know, maybe it's from the days of being a C.A. and trying to create community that it irritates me to not be able to talk to them. At the same time, I know they need to work on research and all of that academia stuff. Since it's a holiday week, there is no orientation which means that I'm back in one of my typical departments for the week. The problem is that I finished all of my work within an hour on Monday. I've been trying to find other projects and just researching different programs but today I started to think more about what's going on.

At times, I really do wish I was a man or was a least able to turn my emotions off. I've always been an emotional thinker and it is starting to wear down on me. I want to be able to just think about other things and not care about this divorce at all but instead I think too much about everything I could have done better, had I known how was feeling and then I start to feel guilty again. After the guilt comes back, then I start to get really angry and I want to tell him how much he hurt me and how immature he acted. The reason I say immature is because, who in his right mind literally sends his wife a text message saying he's not coming home, moves out of the house, and never really gave his wife a chance. The people that know me, know that with everything he said that hurt him, I would have tried to work on those issues and would have worked extremely hard to make the marriage better.

It's also frustrating because I still have good memories and little things will spark one of those memories and then I get sad for awhile wondering how one can go from "I am so lucky that I married my best friend" to not wanting anything to do with me. Yesterday was really difficult because it was the first fourth in 9 years that I didn't spend with him. I kept thinking about what he was doing and if he was with his new girl. I kept also thinking about how he has said that he's the happiest he's ever been. It's rough knowing that because I always thought he was happy and he always said he was until he "snapped" that one night and never came home again. I knew I was going to have a little bit of a difficult time on the fourth so I tried to stay as busy as possible, spent the afternoon with my niece and nephew watching the parade, then went to a friends thirtieth birthday party, went back home played Ligretto with sister-in-law, her friend, and my nephew, then headed up to the cities to watch the fireworks, after the fireworks headed back to my friend whose parents through him the huge bash, stayed there for quite a while and just talked. One friend I hadn't seen for years was very philosophical and was trying to help me in my situation. He gave me a lot of good insight that maybe someday I'll be able to utilize. The other friend just went through a divorce and was talking about his wife and all of the bad things she did and just made me wonder what kinds of things Josh is saying about me, if any. It's still painful to know that I went from a best friend and wife to absolutely nothing. I'm not trying to get anything out of this divorce, he's taking on a lot of the debt but I have offered time and time again to take on more and he keeps saying no so I have no idea what to do. I'm just afraid in the future he'll be talking about me as the girl who took everything, when in actuality, I didn't. I don't want the divorce but he's made up his mind and he made up his mind a long time ago. I can't help with that. His last line from the nasty e-mail he sent me a few weeks ago that made me feel like crap again, said "you are a good person, I really believe that, we just aren't both good when we're together". I just don't get it, how do you know without trying?

See, this would be why I would like to not think with my emotions, even if it was just one day. I do hope that someday he looks back on this and sees that I have tried to be as kind as possible to him throughout this whole thing. I've heard many horror stories of people trying to get revenge and take more from the spouse to try and get "even". I'm not like this it all, I haven't tried to get anything, I've offered to take more of the debt, I've offered to take the Lexus, I kept the pets (though, I still think he should have Dora) but in the nasty e-mail he sent it says "I feel as though I've given you everything yet you are trying to take more". This entire e-mail made me feel so small, for him to even think that I would try to take anything. I haven't gone after any money, even though just with his internship over the summer he'll make in three months what it takes me over 10 months to make. I've sat idly by apologizing over and over again for the things that I did that hurt him even though I had no idea about any of those things until after he left. Sometimes, I wonder if he even really knows me. The month after he left, he told me that he felt like he was the one trying to get to know me and that it felt like I never made the effort. I could tell you about his goals, his inspirations, his insecurities, likes, dislikes, etc but now after a lot of things he's told me, I don't think he really knows who I am.

It's time for me to sleep before my words get all mumbled as they did before.

I'm an emotional girl-

The song "Emotional Girl" by Terri Clark really fits very well with my life lately. It seems that my head just can't figure out what it wants to do. One day I'm sad regarding this whole debacle, one day I'm angry and just want to send that letter or call Josh and tell him that I am sorry for how I unintentionally hurt him but to also let him know that he really hurt me. He may have thought that I was never in the relationship or never cared or never thought about the future but if he really knew me, he would know that all of those are the exact opposite of the truth. I did picture us having children and we would talk about having them in Europe while he was working over there so they could have dual citizenship. We also talked about putting our kids into either a charter school or a private school that had a focus on eard go back and fix things but alas I can't. ly second language acquisition. I had another counseling appointment today and I just get so angry with how this whole situation came about about and I do wish I could just call Josh and tell him how upset I am. That wouldn't to any good though, now would it?

Drifting

Okay, this is quite weird as for some reason the words are not showing up on my screen so I'm hoping that I am spelling correctly. Otherwise, this might be like a word maze. Oooh, that's much better, I can see now :)

Some days, well okay, most days I feel as I am just drifting through life. In the past, I've always had deadlines and something to look forward to. I've always been committed and driven to do well with whatever I was doing at the time whether it was teaching, being a student, being a graduate assistant, being a role model for the Natural Helpers, teaching athletes study skills, being a career counselor, etc. However, right now I don't really feel that commitment or the sense of purpose I use to have. I think that may be part of the reason I am still quite struggling with the divorce. Summer, in the past always meant time with friends and time to spend with Josh. It wasn't all play of course, I did work a lot during the school years and summer as Josh has repeatedly let me know that is one of the reasons he felt I was never in the marriage. Lately, I've really been thinking about that age old question "what is my purpose?" I have no idea, I know I want to help people but that can be done in a magnitude of ways and even though currently I am in the "helping" profession, I often don't feel like I am helping or at least in the way I would like to help.

At the same time, I do want to help people, I also want to be able to make a little more money. I never thought that I would be someone to say such a thing. I've always known that I didn't go into education for the money but after being able to not have to worry about money (well, until Josh left), I did get use to being able to go out to eat once in a while, getting somewhat nice clothes. Josh always did make fun of me because he would consider what I thought was expensive, quite cheap. I'd like to be able to take vacations and not have to worry about money but the salary I have does not even make enough for those little vacations. This really dawned on me a couple weeks ago when I went to a conference and on the way up to the conference, some of hte other passengers were discussing why there were very few single people as advisors in the college i work in, it all came down to money because in one lady's words "it's impossible to live off this salary by yourself". I wouldn't say impossible but it definitely makes you watch your money. Especially, this week having received some very expensive, unexpected bills in the mail. I ended up calling Josh because I was so freaked out and had no idea how I would end up. Josh was really nice to me when I had called and then all of my guilt started to come back.
Maybe one day, hopefully soon, I'll start to feel much better about things. I know I've done some not so great things but I hope to be able to contribute something to the world. I don't know what that is but hopefully through some more of soul searching and figuring out my likes, needs,and wants, I will be able to have more time to think.

I'm tired again so it's off to bed. One of these nights, I'm going to stay up later to blog somewhere and just enjoy myself.