Yesterday, I signed the divorce papers. I thought I would be a complete and utter mess while signing the papers. Luckily, I had plenty of distractions to stop me from being the mess. I took an hour off work to get to his lawyers office by four. On my way to the office a good friend of mine from high school who I have not seen since his wedding in 2000 called. He was in town for the evening and asked if I wanted to come meet his kids and see him and his wife that evening. His family still lives a couple houses down from my parents and I thought it would be a great way to keep my mind off things. Then another friend called to tell me that after I sign the papers I'll be able to start my "new" life. After he called another friend called. Those were all great distractions. When I got to the lawyer's office and went through all of the papers, I noticed that Josh hasn't even signed the new papers yet. Hmmm, here I was getting pressured to sign the papers from both him and his lawyer yet he hasn't even signed them yet. For some reason the fact that he hadn't signed the papers made me quite upset. I was proud of myself that I didn't cry while in the office. As soon as I got into my car the tears came flowing out yet again. I'm still hurt, I'm still upset, I'm still sad, I still don't quite understand it all but there isn't much else I can do.
This past week, I had been trying to get a hold of him through e-mail because I had a question on the phone bill. I was to cancel the phone lines but I went to cancel the phone lines I was only allowed to cancel mine, I wasn't allowed to cancel his since I was not an authorized user on that specific line. I had also had a bad dream about his grandparents and wanted to make sure they were okay. I had e-mailed him last Thursday, by Tuesday I still hadn't heard from him so I e-mailed him again. Thursday came, no response. I was frustrated by this point so Friday I sent him a text message. Short and concise just as my e-mails were. He finally responded but all he said was "sorry, swamped at work, will respond when I check e-mail this weekend". I'm sure he's swamped but I'm also sure he's making time for his new flame and his new friends and his new life. Pretty ironic that he doesn't have time to check his e-mail when when we were together, I couldn't ever get him away from the computer. I still miss talking to him but I just have to realize that it wasn't meant to be and I need to realize that even though he was a complete gentleman before this happened, he has turned into a jerk, at least relative to our situation.
Last night, I had also signed up for a weekly dinner that I have been attending where I have been able to make a couple new friends. It's odd that Josh told me he could never picture me going out to a club or dancing when I do like to go out. The night before I was out with fifty plus people at a bar (drinking only Sprite) and after the dinner, we went to a music cafe/bar to watch a band with about twenty people. The difference comes into play because when Josh had me go out with his MBA friends (one time), people weren't quite as friendly and didn't understand not wanting to get wasted. The people that I have met by going to places through this group are all in similar boats, just wanting to get out and meet people. The big group on Thursday was for beer lovers and I do not drink beer. I was a little nervous to go but a couple of my friends had stated that it would still be fine to attend. So I went and not one person made fun of me for not drinking. Instead people said "Glad you came out", "You have guts but it's nice to see you", etc. Everyone at these groups are quite welcoming and it's easy to talk to people and the first line isn't "What do you do?". At the MBA functions, that was always the first question and when I hadn't found a job yet, it was hard to answer because I wasn't feeling the greatest about not having a job and not being able to support my husband. When I did get my job and I absolutely hated it, work was the last thing I wanted to talk about. Josh never really understood that, he thought it was just because of my introvertedness and that I didn't want to be there. Again, he was far from the truth. I may be an introvert but I like to be around people. Last night at the dinner and the event afterwards, I had a great time. I've only known some of the people for a couple hours, others for a couple months but they are all friendly.
A couple of the people at the dinner knew I had signed the papers and each one brought me a side to talk to me a little bit and to check to see how I was. One brought me aside and asked how I was doing and I said "It finally hit me when I got him and my parents had finally taken down the wedding pictures". My mom had been hoping somehow that we would be getting back together and the picture of me and my dad from the wedding is probably the only picture we have where he has a great big smile. The day after our wedding, a friend of my parents had commented "That is the happiest I have ever seen your father, I think he had the best day of his life" and now the picture that represented a part of his happiness had to be taken down. When I was telling my friend this, his comment was "Those wedding pictures will be replaced with new ones, there is no doubt about it and I didn't want to tell you this but you are meant to be a mother and you will be some day". Not quite sure where the mother part came from but I definitely know that I am not thinking of getting married again. I need time to myself and to figure out who I am and who I want to be, I need to figure out what I want to do with my career and how I want to contribute something to the world.
Another friend pulled me aside and said "The world is your oyster, you have people surrounding you that appreciate you and don't even realize it. You need to find someone that appreciates you for who you are and will be honest with you, just remember the world is yours". On one hand, it's nice to hear confidence that other people have in you but I don't really care about dating right now, it's the last thing on my mind. I want to be able to get back on my feet and be happy with myself. I'm content with just trying to meet people, dancing, eating and having a good time. At times, I do wish that Josh could see me now because I think he would be quite surprised at what he would see.
On a different note, I decided to send Josh the letter. I'm going to send it tomorrow. I don't want to go through life wishing that I would have let him know how much he hurt me. It's not a horrible letter, it just talks about how I felt the night he didn't come home and could he imagine how that would feel, it talks about saying he wanted to use a mediator and then blindsiding me by going to a lawyer, also mentioned is how hard it is for me to change my name and I want him to know that even though it was hyphenated, it didn't mean that I was never in the marriage. I also apologized again for the things that he said I did that hurt him but instead of apologizing profusely as I have in the past, I say I could have worked on things, if I would have been told anything. It's a long letter, it's not nasty, it's just honest and I feel as though I've sat on the sideline taking his punches. I also decided I am going to send the birthday card to his mom. I considered her family for 7 years (not for the first two years we were dating)and I miss them. I figure it's not a phone call, it's just a birthday card with a thank you note. I decided this because I didn't want to regret not telling her how I felt either (all positive things).
So tomorrow I will be sending the letters, applying for new jobs, going to church and trying to "start anew". We'll see how it goes.
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