Last night I was out with a couple of friends for a birthday party. These are people who have only known me since May. It was kind of nice because one of the people who I first met was telling me how he could see me change the past five months. What he doesn't know is that I'm finally starting to get back to my old self. When i first started these various groups, I was very down trodden, very sad, and just not in any way shape or form me. I still get sad quite a bit but it isn't as overwhelming as it was before. Another friend asked if I ever run out of energy because all I seem to do is go go go. I do get tired but all of the going going going keeps me distracted from thinking about the marriage and my part in the breakdown of the marriage and keeps me from being at home. I really do love my family and all, bu I miss my own place where i could just go and sit on the couch and read a good book with my cats and dog. But, I am going to be here for a while as I haven't saved up nearly as much as I would have liked to save thanks to the darn divorce.
Speaking of which, I finally received the files and guess what was in there?
Only the DVD! Admittedly, i was a bit bummed since a few weeks ago he said he was putting a sort of apology letter in there and I was looking forward to reading it becaue I thought it might help me realize that the fall out was not all completely my fault and that he doesn't think I am this awful, horrible human being. Nope, it was just the dvd. Not even a little post it note that said "hi- here's the dvd". Just the DVD. I know it shouldn't bother me but it still does, quite a bit actually. Wheni opened it and saw it was just the dvd, I cried quite a bit because I still don't understand how one can go through all of the things he did andI was hoping the letter would explain it. Oh well. All right, I have a lot of homework to catch up on as we have a quiz on Wednesday. I'm hoping that tonight I'll b eable to just stay in for a little while and not get convinced to do anything even though I know it is pretty unlikely.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Running away
Over the past 3 weeks, I've managed to keep myself busy pretty much every hour of the day, without getting much sleep. I really enjoy being around the people I've met and being with friends. Yet, at the same time I know that it's partly due to my "running away" from reality. Even though it's been quite a while since Josh left and a few months since the divorce was finalized, I still think about the relationship and everything that I could have done better- especially if I'm not doing anything so essentially the busy-ness is my running away. This week, I went punk rock bowling, church group, class, karaoke after class, an event, a get together, glass bowling, out and about and haven't even had a chance to do my homework which I'll get to tonight. I'm still seeing my counselor which helps quite a bit, yet I think I'm going to try to go to a DivorceCare group. A couple new friends attend one and say that it has been quite benificial to be around people who have the same fears as others.
I'm also still quite a bit mad, as the files that Josh was suppose to send in June still haven't been sent. After a little fiasco at work, last week, where I accidentally spilled orange juice on my work laptop and fried it- I had texted Josh because I didn't know quite what to do and he's a computer guy. I wasn't really expeciting a response and he actually did respond and then also put in there that he hasn't sent the files out yet, but that he is going to. Um, I still don't have them and it is getting quite frustrating.
Also, due to my frying laptop, I'm starting to use my very old laptop that Ihaven't even opened since last Thanksgiving because we were having problems with it. Today, I turned it on and my journals were still open on the computer. The journals were from the beggining of our marriage until last November. Some were talking about the difficulty I was having adjusting to Connecticut. But, most of the others were talking about how lucky I was to be married to such a wonderful person and all of the little things that Josh would tell me throughout the day. It still confuses me, I don't know how you can just decide to walk out on a marriage but I'm starting a new chapter. I'm still petrified to enter into another relationship because I don't know what to believe. I'm not planning on trying to date for quite a while because I need to heal. I know that quite a few people jump into another relationship and into the dating world right away (ahem, like Josh), but I can't. I know I need to work on my issues and my ability to trust again.
I'm also still quite a bit mad, as the files that Josh was suppose to send in June still haven't been sent. After a little fiasco at work, last week, where I accidentally spilled orange juice on my work laptop and fried it- I had texted Josh because I didn't know quite what to do and he's a computer guy. I wasn't really expeciting a response and he actually did respond and then also put in there that he hasn't sent the files out yet, but that he is going to. Um, I still don't have them and it is getting quite frustrating.
Also, due to my frying laptop, I'm starting to use my very old laptop that Ihaven't even opened since last Thanksgiving because we were having problems with it. Today, I turned it on and my journals were still open on the computer. The journals were from the beggining of our marriage until last November. Some were talking about the difficulty I was having adjusting to Connecticut. But, most of the others were talking about how lucky I was to be married to such a wonderful person and all of the little things that Josh would tell me throughout the day. It still confuses me, I don't know how you can just decide to walk out on a marriage but I'm starting a new chapter. I'm still petrified to enter into another relationship because I don't know what to believe. I'm not planning on trying to date for quite a while because I need to heal. I know that quite a few people jump into another relationship and into the dating world right away (ahem, like Josh), but I can't. I know I need to work on my issues and my ability to trust again.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
It's the little things in life....
Once again, many things that could go wrong, did go wrong today. Yesterday, was great- I headed out to an apple orchard, met some great new people, caught up with some old friends, played with a couple kids and then headed off to see an 80's cover band. The entire day was great, though I stayed out a little too late, again. Hmmm, and Josh said I was boring and would never go out. Just because I don't go out to get wasted, doesn't mean that I won't go out. Alcohol doesn't make things "more" fun. At least in my eyes.
I got home around 4:00 this morning and left for church at 9:00. Met up with a friend of mine from church and then we went out for Sunday tea. It's always fun meeting with her because she is very smart (graduated from Yale business school) and always has a great perspective on life. After meeting with her, my plan was to head to a coffee shop and apply for jobs and do study. Instead, on my way home, my windshiled wipers flew off (yes, literally), the lights (for the dashboard, clock and temperature went out (which would be fine except at night when you wouldn't be able to see the dashboard), and my car was starting to smell funny. I knew I had to get an oil change and I saw Valvoline straing ahead and decided to pull in to that shop. I didn't know they could change windshield wipers, too. When they did the all around check, I found out all of my tail lights and my brake light were out. I really didn't want to spend any more money so I asked if I could check. Sure enough, they were all out. I ended up spending 2 hours at Valvoline! Then, they referred me to another shop to get the electrical system checked out. I guess, after 7 years without problems, it's due time. It still kind of irks me that this really isn't even my car as Josh bought it as a graduation gift to himself when graduated college.
When I got home, after the car trouble, my mom and I took our dogs for a walk. When we came back in, I ran downstairs to check my e-mail. Not even, two minutes later my dad ran into the room saying he was going to kill Dora and she wasn't allowed in the house any more. I don't know what's wrong with my dog again. She went to the bathroom quite bit on our walk and then apparently she went to the bathroom in the house. Which, I don't understand why since she had gone not even 15 minute prior. The poor animal was getting yelled at and chased and scared out of my mind and she started to cower like she did when we first adopted her. It was pretty bad and I spend the next hour crying and being upset that Josh essentially left me with all of hte cats, dog, bills and that I'm struggling to get by on my measly paycheck. I'm living with my parentss but I'm still not saving very much and it frusttrates me know Josh was able to just pick up and get his own apartment one month after he left, he doesn't have to worry about how to pay the bills, or how to get out of his parent's house, have to worry about finding a place with animals, or even just sit and relax without worrying or feelind adrift. It's strange how little things like those can bring all of these emotions back to surface.
I had to take Dora out of the house for awhile because I was afraid of what was going to happen. On my way back, I stopped at Target to get cat food and I ended up leaving with cat food and Dora's Halloween costume. I'm such a dork, because it me smile a lot and she loves to wear costumes. Why? I have no idea, I chalk it p to being a unique dog. Right now, she's sleeping right next to me with the costume on.
I got home around 4:00 this morning and left for church at 9:00. Met up with a friend of mine from church and then we went out for Sunday tea. It's always fun meeting with her because she is very smart (graduated from Yale business school) and always has a great perspective on life. After meeting with her, my plan was to head to a coffee shop and apply for jobs and do study. Instead, on my way home, my windshiled wipers flew off (yes, literally), the lights (for the dashboard, clock and temperature went out (which would be fine except at night when you wouldn't be able to see the dashboard), and my car was starting to smell funny. I knew I had to get an oil change and I saw Valvoline straing ahead and decided to pull in to that shop. I didn't know they could change windshield wipers, too. When they did the all around check, I found out all of my tail lights and my brake light were out. I really didn't want to spend any more money so I asked if I could check. Sure enough, they were all out. I ended up spending 2 hours at Valvoline! Then, they referred me to another shop to get the electrical system checked out. I guess, after 7 years without problems, it's due time. It still kind of irks me that this really isn't even my car as Josh bought it as a graduation gift to himself when graduated college.
When I got home, after the car trouble, my mom and I took our dogs for a walk. When we came back in, I ran downstairs to check my e-mail. Not even, two minutes later my dad ran into the room saying he was going to kill Dora and she wasn't allowed in the house any more. I don't know what's wrong with my dog again. She went to the bathroom quite bit on our walk and then apparently she went to the bathroom in the house. Which, I don't understand why since she had gone not even 15 minute prior. The poor animal was getting yelled at and chased and scared out of my mind and she started to cower like she did when we first adopted her. It was pretty bad and I spend the next hour crying and being upset that Josh essentially left me with all of hte cats, dog, bills and that I'm struggling to get by on my measly paycheck. I'm living with my parentss but I'm still not saving very much and it frusttrates me know Josh was able to just pick up and get his own apartment one month after he left, he doesn't have to worry about how to pay the bills, or how to get out of his parent's house, have to worry about finding a place with animals, or even just sit and relax without worrying or feelind adrift. It's strange how little things like those can bring all of these emotions back to surface.
I had to take Dora out of the house for awhile because I was afraid of what was going to happen. On my way back, I stopped at Target to get cat food and I ended up leaving with cat food and Dora's Halloween costume. I'm such a dork, because it me smile a lot and she loves to wear costumes. Why? I have no idea, I chalk it p to being a unique dog. Right now, she's sleeping right next to me with the costume on.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
They say it comes in threes
and boy it does! This week has been quite eventful for me. On my way to work on Monday, my brakes in my car went out. I'm thinking I should probably take some type of automotive class so I can learn how to prevent this stuff before it happens. Luckily, I was pretty close to the automotive store so I kind of skidded on in to the shop. Apparently, the back rotors were completely shot and they needed to get the parts in from the warehouse. They estimated it would take 3-4 hours, it ended up taking six hours. I spent a majority of the time sitting in the waiting room working on my homework. Yep, I was the only one in the waiting room working on homework :) Not a lot of restaurants or coffee places were near the shop,however there was a Red Robin across the street so around 11:00, I decided to head on over for a bit of lunch. I know quite a few people who actually do enjoy going out to eat by themselves, I am not one of them. I brought my laptop, accounting book, calculator and homework assignments to work on while I was eating. The waiter was quite friendly and gave me a table with a lot of room to spread my belongings. After an hour and a half at Red Robin and working on homework, I headed back to the shop and waited a few more hours. To me, it was a blessing in disguise. it was Monday and I had plans for Tuesday evening so I took advantage of the extra time to prepare for my accounting test which was scheduled for Wednesday and I did not feel prepared for the test at all. Due to the brakes going out, I had to call in to work on Monday because I obviously couldn't make it which gave me all the time to study and feel much more prepared. I'm not too sure how I did on the test, but I do know I did better than I would have had the brakes not gone out on the car.
Then, on Thursday I was sitting at my lonely office in one of my departments drinking some orange juice when the klutz in me came out, again. I still don't know exactly what happened but somehow I hit the orange juice bottle and it spilled all over my work laptop! Crap, crap, crap (well a little more explicit terms) was all I could think. I picked up the laptop, drained some of the orange juice. Umm, I have never seen so much liquid come out of a computer. Okay, let me rephrase, I've never seen liquid come out of a computer and the orange juice just kept dripping, and dripping and dripping. I thought it would never stop! But, I did not want to call the tech guy because I was petrified of getting in trouble so I texted a good IT friend of mine who gave me a few pointers but then he had to go into work. After completing all of the tasks he told me, still nothing was working. I was in my office balling my eyes out yet again. Why do I have to be so dang sensitive? I debated and debated; Josh is on the same campus as I am and he could fix it- do I call? No. I did text him, though and just asked if a laptop is salvagable if orange juice is spilled all over the keyboard. Honestly, I was not expecting him to text back. Within two minutes, he responded with a text and he gave me some additional pointers. The text message also stated "I stll haven't sent the files, I'll send them this week. Sorry......". I've been kindly asking and patiently waiting for these files since June! My patience is starting run very, very thin. These files will help me re-do some of my grad school applications; if I decide to pursue more schooling. I'm a little nervous, too, because the letter he wrote is in there and I honestly have no idea what to expect. I'd like to see just a short apology for how he handled the circumstance, but I'm afraid it's going to be more of the "list" of reasons on why he believed I was never in the marriage in the first place. And, honestly I don't know if I can handle any more of the "list".
It's been 9 months since he decided not to come home and sent me a text message stating he wasn't come home. It's been 5 months since he said he wanted to go our seperate ways. 3 1/2 months since the very nasty e-mail that stated he supported me for three years, put up with my family, stood by me while he was depressed in CT and I didn't do anything about it (I didn't know and I would ask him!), stood by while he felt as though he was my last priority, and that he thought I thought he was a crazy womanizing alcoholic. That e-mail along with the "list" still pops up in my mind quite often and it's very difficult because I still feel horrible for unintentionally hurting him.
It's been 2 months since the divorce was finalized and I'm still not back to 100 per cent. I still feel adrift since I have no idea what I want to do with my life, do I go back to school? Do I try to teach abroad? Do I stay at my parents and try to save money? Do I get a new job that makes a little more money? Do I apply for jobs that don't have a good salary but will be very rewarding? If I'm going to go back to school I need to sign up for the exams and get my applications in but since I don't know what I want to actually do, do I wait a year and try to figure it out, but then I'll be 32 and some would see that as "old" to go back to school. All I know is that I really need to stop distracting myself with so many activities and actually start to try to work on "me". Selfish, I know, but sometimes it has to be done.
The third thing that happened this week is something that hurt the absolute most. A person, who I considered a very good friend, is getting married at the end of October in a different state. In July, he had asked if I would come to the wedding even if Josh came. I said "of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world". He then said, "great! I was hoping you would but I wasn't sure. I'll make sure to send an invitation to both of you". For the past seven weeks, I would call once or twice a week to try and check in and see how things were going but would never get a response. This was a person that I use to talk to 4, 5, 6, times a week. When the whole Josh fiasco happened, I made sure not to say much to him because he was good friends with both of us and I didn't him to feel as though he was in middle. We was also the only person that Josh said we didn't have to split. I thought not getting any response from him was a bit strange but I just chalked it down to him being busy. Then, a couple friends of mine started asking if I had booked my ticket yet for the wedding and I said "no, I never got an invitation". 2 + 2 started to be added in my head.
I knew another friend had been talking to this particular friend so I asked if he would ask our friend if he was mad at me, or what, just so I would know. I was looking forward to that particular wedding, but wasn't mad about not getting an invitation- I was just concerned that I might have done something wrong to make him mad at me. Well, the friend talked to our friend who said he had decided not to send an invitation to either Josh or I because he wanted to distance himself from the entire situation and he wanted stay away from both of us for awhile. This absolutely crushed me, this person was in our wedding, we went camping with him, he came out to visit us a couple times in Connecticut, when we were both in grad school, even though we were thousands of miles apart, we would talk at least every other day for at least an hour. What I was really upset about was that he didn't even have the guts to tell me himself.
A few weeks ago, I had written a short e-mail just saying, I've been trying to get a hold of you to make sure everything is okay, see how your new job is going, how the wedding plans are going, and how your mom is. I haven't heard from you for awhile and just want to make sure I didn't do anything to uspet you or your fiance". I never got any response back. Here's a person who I had always believed to be a true friend, someone who stands by you no matter what and I had to find out through another friend that he needs to distance himself. It also made me wonder what Josh must have been telling him when they were talking, because I tried to make very sure that I never said anything negative to this friend because I knew they were still friends.
On Saturday, I was out dancing and ran into another friend of this friends, who asked if I had bought my ticket yet for the wedding. I wasn't quite sure how to respond so all I said is "no". He then asked how come and I said "I'm not able to go". He then said, "but you were so excited!". So, I finally decided to tell him and just said our friend decided it would be best not to invite either Josh or I to the wedding. Then, this friend said "you want to be my guest, seriously?" Of course, I would love to go but I'm not going to do that when I know the friend getting married doesn't want me there. It just sucks that divorce affects so much more than just the two people involved. I never in a million years would have thought that I would lose this friend because of a divorce. It's kind of ironic because one of the friend's Josh was adament on getting to keep still talks to me, though he has to do it on the sly. Yet, the one that stood his ground won't have anything to do with either of us. He once stated, "if you and Josh can't make it, I have lost hope in all marriages". Sometimes, I wonder if that had anything to do with his decision to distance himself from both of us.
I'm off to a harvest festival and then a concert but I've been debating on not going as I probably really should sit down and figure life out.
Then, on Thursday I was sitting at my lonely office in one of my departments drinking some orange juice when the klutz in me came out, again. I still don't know exactly what happened but somehow I hit the orange juice bottle and it spilled all over my work laptop! Crap, crap, crap (well a little more explicit terms) was all I could think. I picked up the laptop, drained some of the orange juice. Umm, I have never seen so much liquid come out of a computer. Okay, let me rephrase, I've never seen liquid come out of a computer and the orange juice just kept dripping, and dripping and dripping. I thought it would never stop! But, I did not want to call the tech guy because I was petrified of getting in trouble so I texted a good IT friend of mine who gave me a few pointers but then he had to go into work. After completing all of the tasks he told me, still nothing was working. I was in my office balling my eyes out yet again. Why do I have to be so dang sensitive? I debated and debated; Josh is on the same campus as I am and he could fix it- do I call? No. I did text him, though and just asked if a laptop is salvagable if orange juice is spilled all over the keyboard. Honestly, I was not expecting him to text back. Within two minutes, he responded with a text and he gave me some additional pointers. The text message also stated "I stll haven't sent the files, I'll send them this week. Sorry......". I've been kindly asking and patiently waiting for these files since June! My patience is starting run very, very thin. These files will help me re-do some of my grad school applications; if I decide to pursue more schooling. I'm a little nervous, too, because the letter he wrote is in there and I honestly have no idea what to expect. I'd like to see just a short apology for how he handled the circumstance, but I'm afraid it's going to be more of the "list" of reasons on why he believed I was never in the marriage in the first place. And, honestly I don't know if I can handle any more of the "list".
It's been 9 months since he decided not to come home and sent me a text message stating he wasn't come home. It's been 5 months since he said he wanted to go our seperate ways. 3 1/2 months since the very nasty e-mail that stated he supported me for three years, put up with my family, stood by me while he was depressed in CT and I didn't do anything about it (I didn't know and I would ask him!), stood by while he felt as though he was my last priority, and that he thought I thought he was a crazy womanizing alcoholic. That e-mail along with the "list" still pops up in my mind quite often and it's very difficult because I still feel horrible for unintentionally hurting him.
It's been 2 months since the divorce was finalized and I'm still not back to 100 per cent. I still feel adrift since I have no idea what I want to do with my life, do I go back to school? Do I try to teach abroad? Do I stay at my parents and try to save money? Do I get a new job that makes a little more money? Do I apply for jobs that don't have a good salary but will be very rewarding? If I'm going to go back to school I need to sign up for the exams and get my applications in but since I don't know what I want to actually do, do I wait a year and try to figure it out, but then I'll be 32 and some would see that as "old" to go back to school. All I know is that I really need to stop distracting myself with so many activities and actually start to try to work on "me". Selfish, I know, but sometimes it has to be done.
The third thing that happened this week is something that hurt the absolute most. A person, who I considered a very good friend, is getting married at the end of October in a different state. In July, he had asked if I would come to the wedding even if Josh came. I said "of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world". He then said, "great! I was hoping you would but I wasn't sure. I'll make sure to send an invitation to both of you". For the past seven weeks, I would call once or twice a week to try and check in and see how things were going but would never get a response. This was a person that I use to talk to 4, 5, 6, times a week. When the whole Josh fiasco happened, I made sure not to say much to him because he was good friends with both of us and I didn't him to feel as though he was in middle. We was also the only person that Josh said we didn't have to split. I thought not getting any response from him was a bit strange but I just chalked it down to him being busy. Then, a couple friends of mine started asking if I had booked my ticket yet for the wedding and I said "no, I never got an invitation". 2 + 2 started to be added in my head.
I knew another friend had been talking to this particular friend so I asked if he would ask our friend if he was mad at me, or what, just so I would know. I was looking forward to that particular wedding, but wasn't mad about not getting an invitation- I was just concerned that I might have done something wrong to make him mad at me. Well, the friend talked to our friend who said he had decided not to send an invitation to either Josh or I because he wanted to distance himself from the entire situation and he wanted stay away from both of us for awhile. This absolutely crushed me, this person was in our wedding, we went camping with him, he came out to visit us a couple times in Connecticut, when we were both in grad school, even though we were thousands of miles apart, we would talk at least every other day for at least an hour. What I was really upset about was that he didn't even have the guts to tell me himself.
A few weeks ago, I had written a short e-mail just saying, I've been trying to get a hold of you to make sure everything is okay, see how your new job is going, how the wedding plans are going, and how your mom is. I haven't heard from you for awhile and just want to make sure I didn't do anything to uspet you or your fiance". I never got any response back. Here's a person who I had always believed to be a true friend, someone who stands by you no matter what and I had to find out through another friend that he needs to distance himself. It also made me wonder what Josh must have been telling him when they were talking, because I tried to make very sure that I never said anything negative to this friend because I knew they were still friends.
On Saturday, I was out dancing and ran into another friend of this friends, who asked if I had bought my ticket yet for the wedding. I wasn't quite sure how to respond so all I said is "no". He then asked how come and I said "I'm not able to go". He then said, "but you were so excited!". So, I finally decided to tell him and just said our friend decided it would be best not to invite either Josh or I to the wedding. Then, this friend said "you want to be my guest, seriously?" Of course, I would love to go but I'm not going to do that when I know the friend getting married doesn't want me there. It just sucks that divorce affects so much more than just the two people involved. I never in a million years would have thought that I would lose this friend because of a divorce. It's kind of ironic because one of the friend's Josh was adament on getting to keep still talks to me, though he has to do it on the sly. Yet, the one that stood his ground won't have anything to do with either of us. He once stated, "if you and Josh can't make it, I have lost hope in all marriages". Sometimes, I wonder if that had anything to do with his decision to distance himself from both of us.
I'm off to a harvest festival and then a concert but I've been debating on not going as I probably really should sit down and figure life out.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Blessings in Disguise
Overall, this was a good weekend. Friday evening, I went out to a meetup group for dinner where I met new friends and interacted with old friends (well, I guess I can’t really say old as friends since I just met most of the people back in May). After dinner, a bunch of us went on to a bar and then on to some dancing. It was a great time; conversation was good as always.
Saturday, I was suppose to head off to a wedding in North Dakota. Originally, I had planned not to attend the wedding but a friend of mine was heading up in that general direction and asked if I wanted to come along for his event. We were going to car pool together and make a fun day of traveling. In the morning, I called my friend who was getting married to verify the location since I had lost the invitation when I moved into my parent’s house. When I talked to my friend, it turned out that I had the complete wrong city and the city where the wedding was actually taking place was an hour and half from the city where my other friend was heading. After thinking about it for a while, I decided to stay home and study. Of course, nothing turns out as planned. I was able to study for a while but I was getting frustrated with myself because I’m not quite understand the concept of the material. Whenever I seem to think that I understand, I try some of the multiple choice questions and I get them wrong. While studying some family things happened that needed to taken care of right away. After the family issues were somewhat resolved, a friend convinced me to go watch some football (I know absolutely nothing about football but this friend agreed to teach me and sat patiently explaining all of the details while I asked a thousand questions). After we sat at the restaurant for a long time, another friend texted to see if I wanted to go hit the town. I convinced the people I was with to head up to Uptown and we went and met new people and had a great time (for the most part). A little drama was spun up, but I guess that is to be expected. After some of the drama settled down, a couple of us decided to sit at a bar for last call. Those of you that know me personally, know I’m not a big drinker so I’m usually the designated driver. Which is quite fine with me. Again, this was the case so I had a sprite for last call The drink of my choice all evening. While at the last bar, one girl who pours her heart out after she drinks a little too much started to tell me some I interesting details about a person I use to hang out with quite a bit. He wanted to date, I’m not in a place to date, but apparently he told a lot of people we were dating and that we were doing quite a bit of other things. It takes a lot to get me upset, and finding this information out made me quite irate since not a single thing he said was true. But, I came to the realization that if people want to believe this information fine, but those that meet me and know the real me, would know that what he was saying was not true. Even though, my marriage has ended and that my separation started last December, I’m still not in a place where I am comfortable dating. I just want to get out, make new friends, and have some fun while figuring out life. That’s all. No boys for me.
On Sunday, I headed to church, had a rainy picnic with a friend, went to a BBQ where I only knew one person and I’ve only known that person for a month. That was definitely an experience, I greatly enjoyed myself but I still haven’t quite gotten over my initial quietness when I meet new people. I was at the bbq for about 5 hours- it really was a good time but I got home much later than expected and was too tired to study since I had only had a total of 8 hours of sleep within the past 3 days. On my way home, my brakes on my car started going out.
I decided to take my car in this morning and thought it would just be a ½ hour appointment and I would be able to get to work on time. Nope, 3 hours later I am still sitting here at the brake shop. Apparently, the parts they need are at a warehouse downtown and they need to wait for someone to bring them down. This unexpected event might frustrate some people, but I look at it as a blessing in disguise. I have a large exam for my accounting class on Wednesday and since I pretty much live out of my car, I had all of my accounting books in my car which made it possible to spend the last three hours studying. Not exactly what one would want to do on what would be considered a vacation day but I’m able to study and hopefully will do a lot better on this test than on the quiz I had this past Wednesday.
On another note, I still haven’t received the files and letter from Josh. I am starting to get annoyed as I’ve wanted these files since May. It is now October and I still don’t have the files. The letter will be in the package as well and I am quite nervous to read the letter. It’s been interesting because as I’ve started to meet people through the various organizations I’ve joined- I’ve been given lots of compliments and have been told numerous times that I have a smile that lights up a room (which I still don’t necessarily believe but it is fun to hear) and that I have a positive aura about me where people can tell after talking to me that I am a genuinely nice/good person. While, it does help to hear these things- I can still hear the list of everything that Josh said was wrong with the relationship and me as a wife. This list just keeps turning and turning in my head. One would think that after so much time, it would start to go away. I admit, it’s not as hard as it was when he first left- it still is hard. Lots of little things pop up that make me think about him or questions are asked that I really don’t have any clue on how to answer. For example, at the barbeque yesterday, most of the people were from the east coast and I was talking about when I lived in Connecticut. People then, of course, ask how I ended up in Connecticut and how I ended up here. Well, the honest answer is “my husband at the time was transferred to Connecticut and my husband at the time was accepted on full scholarship to the U of M’s business school”. I’m torn on how to answer because I can say I moved out to Connecticut to go to school, and being that I was accepted to much better programs- sometimes I don’t like admitting to where I went to receive my Master’s since it wasn’t where I would have chosen to attend. At the same time, I hate saying “my husband at the time” as it usually then proceeds to the question- “oh, what happened.”.
Saturday, I was suppose to head off to a wedding in North Dakota. Originally, I had planned not to attend the wedding but a friend of mine was heading up in that general direction and asked if I wanted to come along for his event. We were going to car pool together and make a fun day of traveling. In the morning, I called my friend who was getting married to verify the location since I had lost the invitation when I moved into my parent’s house. When I talked to my friend, it turned out that I had the complete wrong city and the city where the wedding was actually taking place was an hour and half from the city where my other friend was heading. After thinking about it for a while, I decided to stay home and study. Of course, nothing turns out as planned. I was able to study for a while but I was getting frustrated with myself because I’m not quite understand the concept of the material. Whenever I seem to think that I understand, I try some of the multiple choice questions and I get them wrong. While studying some family things happened that needed to taken care of right away. After the family issues were somewhat resolved, a friend convinced me to go watch some football (I know absolutely nothing about football but this friend agreed to teach me and sat patiently explaining all of the details while I asked a thousand questions). After we sat at the restaurant for a long time, another friend texted to see if I wanted to go hit the town. I convinced the people I was with to head up to Uptown and we went and met new people and had a great time (for the most part). A little drama was spun up, but I guess that is to be expected. After some of the drama settled down, a couple of us decided to sit at a bar for last call. Those of you that know me personally, know I’m not a big drinker so I’m usually the designated driver. Which is quite fine with me. Again, this was the case so I had a sprite for last call The drink of my choice all evening. While at the last bar, one girl who pours her heart out after she drinks a little too much started to tell me some I interesting details about a person I use to hang out with quite a bit. He wanted to date, I’m not in a place to date, but apparently he told a lot of people we were dating and that we were doing quite a bit of other things. It takes a lot to get me upset, and finding this information out made me quite irate since not a single thing he said was true. But, I came to the realization that if people want to believe this information fine, but those that meet me and know the real me, would know that what he was saying was not true. Even though, my marriage has ended and that my separation started last December, I’m still not in a place where I am comfortable dating. I just want to get out, make new friends, and have some fun while figuring out life. That’s all. No boys for me.
On Sunday, I headed to church, had a rainy picnic with a friend, went to a BBQ where I only knew one person and I’ve only known that person for a month. That was definitely an experience, I greatly enjoyed myself but I still haven’t quite gotten over my initial quietness when I meet new people. I was at the bbq for about 5 hours- it really was a good time but I got home much later than expected and was too tired to study since I had only had a total of 8 hours of sleep within the past 3 days. On my way home, my brakes on my car started going out.
I decided to take my car in this morning and thought it would just be a ½ hour appointment and I would be able to get to work on time. Nope, 3 hours later I am still sitting here at the brake shop. Apparently, the parts they need are at a warehouse downtown and they need to wait for someone to bring them down. This unexpected event might frustrate some people, but I look at it as a blessing in disguise. I have a large exam for my accounting class on Wednesday and since I pretty much live out of my car, I had all of my accounting books in my car which made it possible to spend the last three hours studying. Not exactly what one would want to do on what would be considered a vacation day but I’m able to study and hopefully will do a lot better on this test than on the quiz I had this past Wednesday.
On another note, I still haven’t received the files and letter from Josh. I am starting to get annoyed as I’ve wanted these files since May. It is now October and I still don’t have the files. The letter will be in the package as well and I am quite nervous to read the letter. It’s been interesting because as I’ve started to meet people through the various organizations I’ve joined- I’ve been given lots of compliments and have been told numerous times that I have a smile that lights up a room (which I still don’t necessarily believe but it is fun to hear) and that I have a positive aura about me where people can tell after talking to me that I am a genuinely nice/good person. While, it does help to hear these things- I can still hear the list of everything that Josh said was wrong with the relationship and me as a wife. This list just keeps turning and turning in my head. One would think that after so much time, it would start to go away. I admit, it’s not as hard as it was when he first left- it still is hard. Lots of little things pop up that make me think about him or questions are asked that I really don’t have any clue on how to answer. For example, at the barbeque yesterday, most of the people were from the east coast and I was talking about when I lived in Connecticut. People then, of course, ask how I ended up in Connecticut and how I ended up here. Well, the honest answer is “my husband at the time was transferred to Connecticut and my husband at the time was accepted on full scholarship to the U of M’s business school”. I’m torn on how to answer because I can say I moved out to Connecticut to go to school, and being that I was accepted to much better programs- sometimes I don’t like admitting to where I went to receive my Master’s since it wasn’t where I would have chosen to attend. At the same time, I hate saying “my husband at the time” as it usually then proceeds to the question- “oh, what happened.”.
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