uh oh

I can't seem to find my book- I really want to finish the book and then re-read it to complete the exercises. Take a break, deep breath and maybe I will be able to find it. Hopefully!

one step forward, two steps back

So, I wrote this morning and I was actually doing 1/2 way okay with the darn divorce and was extremely happy to get the small apology. Today, I procrastinated more (it's a wonderful skill :) and headed over to a park with my family for a picnic and then off to the Lake where I go on my Sunday walk with my dog. I was actually in a good mood when heading over to the lake until.....

I like to people watch so I'm always scouting to see what people bring and what they are doing at the lake. Pretty much when I first started walking, on one blanket near the lake was Josh and a beautiful blond girl; I'm assuming the woman is his girlfriend. They were all cuddly and kissy. I keep telling myself it isn't any of my business and I shouldn't care, but I do and it still hurts. Just seeing the way they were interacting: holding hands, peering into each other's eyes, small quick kisses mixed in with longer ones, just cuddling on the blanket and looking all lovey dovey, made it feel like there was a little dagger slowly piercing through my heart. I knew he moved on quite awhile ago but it's still not fun to see it with my eyes and now have a mental picture of "the woman". I don't know how long it will take me to get completely over the relationship, or if I ever will be able to get completely over the breakdown marriage.

Seeing the two together and how happy they seemed made me really wish I was able to get over it and just jump right back into dating, but I can't. Even though many people say I shouldn't still care about him, I do and I don't know if it will ever stop or how to get it to stop. Also, through books and counseling, and knowing who I am, I know that I need to take time to heal and figure out what it is I want out of life and what I am really suppose to do while here. Hopefully, I can start heading in the right direction soon and hopefully one day, when I see Josh with a girl acting all relationshipy, it won't bother me as much as it did today.

Surprise!

This weekend has been full of distractions. My goal was to sit and really try to figure life out. I look up to those people that know what his/her purpose in life is. I didn't get a chance to sit down and take a look at my life this weekend which I really need to start because if I do decide to go back to school, I need to sign up for the test, start the application process and get my information out there. People may think I am crazy, but I really do enjoy school. Too bad you can't get paid to be a professional student. A few weeks ago I took another career interest test, one that goes quite in depth and compares your answers with the 25th-75th percentile of people who truly enjoy his/her profession. My highest match was in law. This surprised me a bit because I don't really have the personality of a lawyer. Yet, I was talking with my counselor and he pointed out that most people when they think of a lawyer think of trial lawyers and there are so many other types of lawyers. My answers probably matched up so well in the non-profit arena. When I was younger, I did think about going to law school but decided against it because of the reasons stated above.

My list of possibilities now include: MBA, PhD (education, ESL), Teach Abroad or just keep doing what I am where I really am not happy. My mind keeps heading towards the MBA, probably for not the best reasons. I've always been involved in education and have made very little money. Before the marriage and the whole divorce, I never cared that I wouldn't make that much money. Now, that I still have some debt from the marriage and am trying to get back on my feet, I'm finding it very difficult to live on my salary. I thought I was being maybe a little pessimistic but in some talks with other people in my salary range at work, it was brought up that these people didn't understand how a single person could live on this salary. So, hence I've been thinking about the MBA because I would be able to utilize some of my other skills and would most likely be able to to make a little bit more money. On my current salary, I would not be able to own a house, get a newer car, go on random vacations, etc. Now, that it's just me these are things that I need to think about. This week is a little busy for me, but Thursday evening I plan on signing up for the classes, looking at schools and applying, most have November or December 1st deadlines for priority scholarship applications and I'd like to shoot for those. At the same time, I do wonder- am I too old to go back for my MBA without any business experience? I know there are a lot of career changers and such but I feel like I'm 30 and should have had things established by now. I went off on a different track for a while and now need to get back on the horse, and I guess I shouldn't worry about what other people would think- I just need to figure out what is best for me.

On the Josh front, I got a surprise e-mail from him yesterday. It's kind of ironic- for my church group we had to do an exercise where we talk to or write to someone who we've hurt (to ask for forgiveness), has hurt us (to forgive), and who to thank. Last week, I wrote a letter to Josh thanking him for what he taught me, asking for forgiveness for hurting him (unintentionally) and saying that even though I was (am) very hurt, shocked, and devastated by the whole experience that I did forgive him. I never sent it and planned on sending it on Friday (which I did). Yesterday, I got a n e-mail from Josh saying that he finally had a day free and was at his desk and realized he never sent out the DVD's with all of the files and pictures. He was going to send it this weekend and wanted to let me know there was a letter in there, too. He stated that his counselor said he should write it for him, and for me. In the e-mail he said that he still thinks about that night (when he decided not to come home and informed me through a text message) and that he was very sorry about how it happened, very sorry. Yet, he still believed that we are both in a better place (or will be) because of his choice.

It was a good e-mail, it's all I've really wanted lately, just an apology- he can't help how he felt but it's nice to know that he does realize there were better ways to handle his feelings. I'm nervous to get the letter as I know I will be a basket case again (yesterday, I cried all day after reading the our marriage). In his e-mail he asked me not to respond and I really wanted to respect his wishes, but I also wanted him to know that I had sent out the letter for my church group. I wanted him to know he didn't need to read it if he didn't want to but I wanted him to inform him the letter was coming (more for me, even though I know what he thinks should not matter anymore- I still wanted him to know it wasn't in response to his e-mail). The apology, though quick and just one sentence- it really meant a lot to me and maybe it will help me not feel as if the breakdown of the marriage was entirely my fault. I'm sure when I do get the letter, I will be on here rambling away, again.

The book

Dang, this book has a lot of good ideas. Now, the challenge is making sure to follow through on some of the suggestions. My goal is to read the book through once and then complete the questions at the end of each chapter. I'm not going through the questions now as I need to concentrate on studying but lots of good advice has been given throughout the chapters. The chapters I read tonight were on Anger, Letting Go, and Self-Worth- all areas I need a lot of work on. Quite bit stuck with me tonight, one in particular talked about making sure not to "run away" and that many people going through a divorce decide to take a new job and move to a new community to get a way from it all and to lesson the chance of running into the ex. The authors say it's okay to do this if you are doing something for yourself in terms of advancement (career or mentally). I do want to get away, but more because I haven't liked my job since I started and I want to do something that I will enjoy while still making a difference. This weekend, I decided I'm not going to do any of my original plans and am going to work on studying for my quiz, sending applications out and to sit and really think about what it is I want to do, whether it be go back to school (if I was a millionaire, I would be a professional student), teach abroad (I've always wanted to live abroad), of find another type of job. I've been saying for months that I want to figure it out and I need to just stop keeping myself so busy and get to actually doing some work to figure it out.

While reading the book, I've realized that I'm still having a difficult time with it because I haven't expressed a lot of the anger that I felt. I've always been one to keep things inside me. I've been angry and have showed it through this blog but that's pretty much it. The authors of the book, and from others I've read as well, say that the more one keeps anger in the harder it is for he/she to get through a situation such as this and it then takes a longer time to actually heal. It's difficult because at times I think I've forgiven Josh for his actions, but I still quite a bit hurt and mad at myself for not being what I would call a better wife, in his eyes. I need to find a way to express some of this anger so I can move on to the "Letting Go" stage and truly get back to myself. I know it's a long journey and that the time frame is different for each person, but I do miss my old self and need to get that motivation of figuring out my life back.

Another exercise that I think I'm going to try sometime (probably whenever it is that I move into a new place), is implosive grieving which is recommended under the Letting Go section. In this activity, you bring photos, mementos, pictures, a collection of times that remind you of the past love relationship and put it in a box. Then, set aside some time to go through the items and grieve as heavily and hard as possible, as moving more rapidly(having a good friend around is probably a good idea so the person doesn't have to work through it alone). This intensive grieving process is suppose to "hopefully" help shorten the grieving time (and we all know this is something I could use!). So, once I do figure things out, I'll probably try this exercise. It would be nice to be able to finally look back on the marriage and not feel guilty, not feel sad, not feel like "what the heck just happened", not wonder if he's seeing anyone, not wonder if he completely hates me or just the previous relationship, etc. If this has been shown to help people heal faster, I'm all for it!

On another note, Josh still hasn't sent me the files from the computer that he was suppose to send in June. It's now September and since I am thinking of going to grad school, I really would like my files with my application essays, homework, etc. I asked him a few weeks ago after he contacted me about some other things and he said he burned everything onto CD and was going to send it. I'm trying to decide if I send him another e-mail asking if it's still possible to get the CD's and if so, when?

It's late again and I need to study. Accounting, here I come!

Stop the tears

Please, please, please.

Tears, please go away. I'm tired of crying, after months and months of crying- how is there even any left to shed? Please stop me from hearing about Josh and hearing about his accomplishments and how well he is doing. Stop me from feeling guilty and reminiscing about things I would have liked to gone back and chance. Help me realize that things happen for a reason and that it is okay to be sad but it's also good to get back on the horse and try again. Instead of spouting the tears, help me figure out what exactly is the purpose of my left. Help me stop thinking about the ex when I should be studying, help me get an A in that course and figure out if I want to go back to school or at least what types of jobs to apply for. Help me to stop missing him and his family. Tears, tears, tears, help me get back to the real me.

Yet again, I cried the majority of the day and felt that the divorce was all my fault. I really need to figure out a way to get out of this phase.

Conflicting Feelings

Another day of ups and downs has passed in my life. Again, I thought I was doing well- I hadn't cried since the wedding on Saturday even though I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life (does one ever really know??). Sunday, I procrastinated when I should have been studying. Prior to a nice long walk with a good friend, I plopped down with a book, my dog, and a bag full of "divorce" items, on the grass overlooking a gorgeous lake on a beautiful late summer day and read for three hours. Three chapters of reading Rebuilding: When Relationships End (yes, I'm still reading it!) kept my mind rolling and learning about the divorce recovery process; while random people would come and say "hi" to my dog. Aloneness, Friendship, and Guilt were the chapters that gave me more of an insight of the long road ahead.

Most people complete the aloneness stage one of three ways: hiding and wallowing by oneself all the time, completely attaching the self to another person in a romantic way, or becoming insanely busy to distract oneself from the feelings. I've always been someone that had to be busy (which was another "cause" for the breakdown of the marriage) and for the past 4 1/2 months, it hasn't been any different. Every night of the week, I have something different planned. Monday nights I'll be starting back up at my second job, Tuesdays I have my church group, Wednesdays I have class, Thursdays (I usually have something planned), Friday a dinner, Saturday events, and Sunday church and a walk around the lake. It's not the healthiest way to resolve issues but it helps me clear my mind. I'm definitely not always distracted as I'm in the car a few hours a day and don't listen to much music lately, so I get plenty of thinking time (probably a bit too much). For the time being, I think I'm starting to come to turns and be okay with being "alone" even though I still greatly miss Josh and still cry quite a bit.

The friendship chapter discussed the importance of maintaining friends and building new friendships; especially the latter as many times friendships are lost during a divorce for a variety of reasons (people don't want to take sides, some married couples see divorce as a contagious disease, others don't know how to handle it (especially when they've only known you as a couple)). The chapter stated how important it is not to rush into a romantic relationship and to concentrate on building valuable friendships(so, to my parents, who think I'm nuts for not dating- see there's a very viable reason for me not pursuing dates). Another piece that I found interesting is how one of the most critical components of "surviving" a divorce is to have at least one "life line" friend of the same sex and one "life line" friend of the opposite sex. These "life line" friends are friends you can call any time and be as open and honest about your feelings as possible. I'm very luck in this regard as I do have to say, though I don't have a lot or close by, I do have the best friends any one could ask for.

Guilt, the third chapter I read, went into detail on the different feelings a "dumper" and a "dumpee" would have throughout various stages of the rebuilding process. Typically, a dumper feels more guilt because he/she is the one leaving the marriage whereas a dumpee feels rejection and will do anything to try and make things work. As a dumpee, I did feel as though I would try and do anything to make things work but I also felt a lot of guilt. All of the guilt developed for 2 specific reasons 1) that is who I am and I always feel guilty for things that are even out of control and 2) the long list of my actions that Josh said hurt him (I'm still having a hard time with this). I really wouldn't ever want to hurt anyone, let alone him.

Another reason this chapter struck a chord with me is because it also talked about the stages of depression and how even when one feels he/she is much better, these feelings start to surface and the crying, guilt, feelings of rejection, loneliness start all over (although not quite as intense as before). After this past week, the reading of the chapter came at the perfect time because I was feeling crazy for having all of these feelings reappear and being a basketcase once more. The chapter suggested writing a goodybye letter to everything you are saying goodbye to with the dissolution of the marriage. There was an example in the book and I cried the entire time while reading the woman's letter. I really do think writing the goodbye letter will help and it's a goal of mine for the weekend. This chapter also helped me come to terms with knowing it's okay to still feel this way and that even though 9 months feels like a long time, in actuality I'm not that far behind of where I should be.

The conflicting feelings I have come from the church group I attended tonight. W are starting 40 days of Better Together where we concentrate on the meaning of love; giving to the community and loving one another (not just in the romantic sense). On my drive home, I made a mental list of everyone I wanted to thank and thought about how if this separation/divorce wouldn't have happened I wouldn't have made many of the friends I now have or wouldn't have tried the activities I've become involved in, although quite ironic I have Josh to thank. Yet, once I walked in the door and opened my mail the tears flowed again. For the past month I've been trying to get my name changed back to my maiden name and I sent in everything I was suppose to and I get the papers returned saying they can't accept it because it's not an original. Ummm, I sent in the original I received, it's the only one I have- how am I going to get a new S.S. card if they won't accept the documentation??? It bugged me because I can't change my name on my work accounts until I have a new SS card and even though I really did love my last name (here again, Josh would disagree), I want to cry every time I see the second part of my last name. In this sense, I get angry, because I'm not the one who wanted the divorce so why am I the one who has to change the last name, close all the accounts, take care of the pets, re-organize and plan my future differently, and miss his family terribly?

On a side note, some interesting things which I won't ramble on tonight I about, have happened. A friend of mine, stated that I should write my own soap opera because the things that happen in my life are usually only seen on tv. It reminded me of college, when a majority of my friends would tell me the same thing. Oh well, at least it keeps life interesting.

It's late and I procrastinated on studying again, I think I'll really be paying for it. I studied a bit but probably not as much as I should have but hopefully I can still get an "a".

Not entirely bad

Well, even with all of the nerves, I still made it to the wedding. The wedding itself was absolutely beautiful and just looking at the bride and groom, you could tell how much they truly cared for one another. I tried my hardest not to cry during the ceremony, but that didn't work so well. I was a complete basketcase (I was prepared with my pack of Kleenex). The tears would not stop coming down my face. I thought back to the morning of the wedding, the jitters, seeing each other for the first time, walking down the aisle, the vows, many people afterwards stating they really enjoyed the ceremony because you could tell it wasn't for a show but that we both really cared for one another (although Josh would say I never truly cared for him), the wedding reception with people singing theme songs, all of the people there to celebrate the joining of two people, the dancing, and the fun. All of these memories hit me in the face while sitting in the pew watching the bride and groom and listening to the Pastor.

For me, listening to the vows was probably the most difficult part as I remembered stating our vows "through sickness in health, til death do us part". The vows did mean something to me- although obviously not to him. Another line in the couple's vows that I really liked was the vow to always be "honest with one another". If Josh would have been honest with me throughout our entire relationship, we may not have ended up in this position.

The reception, which was what I was most afraid of because I didn't think I would know anyone, was actually a lot of fun! Friends from high school and middle school were there and we were able to catch up on old times and hear about new adventures- always a good time! And, I didn't even cry once :) (well until I was back in my car that is). Again, it was great to see the bride and groom together and I wish them a lifetime of happiness.

New people

Funny how life has ways to throw you into unexpected circumstances. Over the past few days, I've been attending quite a few activities through one of the groups where I am an active member. The activity I attended Thursday had around 80 people show up, I'm easily nervous and this made it quite overwhelming and of course, I wasn't able to talk with everyone. However, I did get a chance to get to know a couple other people a little better. We all ended up talking because we had recently gone through a divorce. It seems to be a theme in this group as people, like myself, are trying to start anew and need or want to make more friends. I'm lucky as I didn't have to do quite as much of a friend adjustment as others (just that most live far away :(). It's nice to be able to talk with these people and here various perspectives. These people don't know Josh and therefore and putting him down which is also a positive aspect. It's also nice to hear that I'm not the only one that still cries over something that won't or can't be fixed, that still wishes things could have worked out differently, over hopes and dreams that came crashing down. Hearing other's talk about their experiences helps me realize that I really am not alone and am not crazy for these feelings (a little nutty, maybe :).

These conversations came to me at the perfect time. This past week has not been a great one. Even more unexpected divorce items came up, money issues related to the divorce, old townhouse issues, and family issues. For once, when I received an e-mail from Josh stating some of the disappointing divorce items-I didn't cry. I received the e-mail at work so once I hit my car afterwards, I was a ball of tears yet again. Even though, someday I do want kids I am so grateful that we didn't have any. I couldn't imagine how challenging a divorce would be when children are involved and how much more emotionally difficult it would make the experience.

Even though, the past few days had quite a few highlights, today I am quite nervous. I'll be heading down to a wedding in a few minutes. This will be the first wedding I will have attended as a "single" person. The "single" part isn't what I'm afraid of, I'm more afraid of how I will react during the ceremony. I am so happy for the friend that is getting married, he's waited a long time and has found the "one" for him. Yet, I know that memories of my wedding will be popping into my head and most likely the feelings of failure will rise up again. I'm hoping I can keep my composure but we shall see. Also, I don't know anyone at the wedding- which could be a good thing, I guess. But, it always makes it interesting finding a place to sit for the dinner. I'm hoping they have assigned tables but I'm guessing they won't. I was raising some of my concerns to the people I met (and the ones that have known me for the past few months) and many were saying that I was strong for even going as it took them a while to be able to attend a wedding. I definitely wouldn't say I am strong, I'm going to show a friend support and celebrate his happiness. When I said I was nervous about going by myself, others would state "You are so lovable and sweet, you'll fit right in and make new friends". I don't quite agree with the loveable statement because I'm very shy which can come off as stand offish when first meeting people but I'll try my best. It may be hard while crying, though. I'm sure I'll write more after the wedding. Wish me luck!

"Take the good, you take the bad"

"You take the good,
You take the bad,
You take them both and there you have the facts of life.
The facts of life.

There's a time you gotta go and show
You're growin' now,
You know about the facts of life.
The facts of life.

When the world never seems,
To be living up to your dreams.
And suddenly you're finding out,
The facts of life are all about you.
All about you.
You-u-u-u,
A-ll about you.
It takes a lot to get em right,
But you're learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of life."

Do you remember this show? It was one of my favorites, and probably still is my fav tv show. Lessons upon lessons learned that at one time could be related to real life. Looking back, doesn't it seem as if life was much simpler during that period of time? Smurfs, Care Bears, Growing Pains, Rainbow Brite, GI Joe, Mr. T and after school specials are random things that I miss. Especially now that I have listened to the music my much younger sister is akin to listen to and sing. Growing up then seems to have been much easier than with all of the choices that teenagers are faced with now. These may seem to all be rambling but in my head, they do have a point and all come together somehow, though I'm not really sure how to explain the connections.

It's true that I am now 30, but I still feel like I have quite the growing pains. This past week, has been quite rough and I keep telling myself it will get better- just not quite sure when or how. Once again, I cried my entire way to work (which took my one hour 7 minutes in the car plus my twenty minute walk). For some reason unbeknown st to me, the feelings of guilt have arised yet again. As I'm walking to work, over the bridge I'm reminded about a day Josh and I had spent exploring campus- it was really hot out and I was a bit cranky and asked to go home because I was hot, hungry, sweaty and thirsty. Plenty of days like that came up and I do wish I could go back and fix those to not have been so cranky and to have been more spontaneous and fun. Additionally, the course I'm taking reminds me of him and his pursuits and again I want to go back in time to be able to better show him that I did support his dreams and did know his dreams and goals. I'd also like to turn back the clock to when we moved to Connecticut and back here and to have not been as depressed as I was in order to show him "the old me" or as in his words "the one I fell in love with". It doesn't matter as for as far as my knowledge, he has a girlfriend and has moved on with his life so I really should no longer care. Yet, that isn't quite how my heart and brain work.

Speaking of the brain, I am definitely getting challenged in the undergraduate course I am taking. I figured after grad school, an undergrad course would be simple. Man, was I wrong. The class itself isn't hard or that much work to partake in, it's just that I'mhaving a difficult time remembering the equiations and making sure tha tI have debits and credits right. For the next few days, I think I'll be dreaming about debits, credits, t- accounts, and journal entries. The first of six quizzes is next Wednesday and I really want an A so tomorrow night I will hav eot block out sometime to study. Saturday, I won't be able to since I will be attending a wedding. I'm a little nervous and I'm wondering if this wedding is possibly one of the many reasons I've been unusually sad. This will be first wedding I will attend as a "single" person and I am sure many memories will come back, many from our own wedding and weddings that we have been to; it also doesn't help that the wedding is in a close town of the school where I completed my undergrad (where most of the time was spent with Josh). It will be a very challenging experience as I don't know anyone going but I'm hoping it will also make me stronger.

Anyone in the medical field want to explain to me why I just recieved a bill from an appointment I had two years ago with a doctor in Connecticut? Another surprise that doesn't help ease the pain at all. Even though, I think we should all be done very soon!

All right, I think I've rambled enough today.

The year from Hell turns into the day from Hell

I try not to swear, I try not to drink too much, I try to be kind and open to every one I meet, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and today I just want to go crawl into a closet with some wine, swear a bit and hide until December. Today started off normal, I thought it would be a little better than yesterday but boy was I wrong. Mid-morning I get a call from my life insurance saying they had just talked with "joshua" and wanted to talk to me regarding my policy and the divorce. Out of the blue, but I thought I handled it okay. Then, I got a call from my own landlord finding out that Josh never sent in the check he told me that he sent. Last week, I got an e-mail from Josh stating that he had forgotten to send the check but that he was sending it right away so if I got a call from the landlord, not to return it. I thought that meant Josh would have sent it last week. Instead, I get a call from the landlord saying "I need to speak with you right away regarding going to court". Wtf, great just what I need. So, Josh rarely answers e-mails to me right away so I decide to send a text message saying "Sorry to bother you, but the landlord left a message about court, did you send the check in and if you did, when?" Of course, I still haven't gotten a reply. I don't want to call the landlord back until I have a frickin clue of what is going on. Then, I get a note from a student who doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions and is trying to place the blame on me. Fun, fun. Yesterday, I was pulled over and didn't have my proof of insurance with me. When I got home today, I ransacked my car and the house and can not find the envelope that has the card. I need to send it in tomorrow so I am now quite frustrated. At work, I sent a co-worker a letter to edit for me and my lone co-worker sent it back and put my hyphenated name back in it. Again, wtf? I'm already sad about the whole divorce, wish it never would have happened, wish I could go back in time and fix things but I can't. All I want, is for these stupid little reminders to stop coming up because I already do it enough to myself as when I ran to the moa today get my ex-sister-in-law a b-day present and passed Lane Bryant and then remembered the story of Josh trying to go in and get advice of what type of clothes to buy my for a Christmas present. They asked him to describe my size and they end up laughing at him because he's in the wrong store. Silly things like that pop up in my head and I need to work on not letting it bother me but so many other things had already popped up that it just seemed to fit with the pattern of the day.

Enough complaining for now, I'm going to go see if I can find that darn insurance card and a nuevo trabajo

Weekend

Wow, this past weekend I got nothing I wanted accomplished finished. Five goals were on my list for the weekend: find jobs to apply to, apply for jobs, look for a place to live, set up showings, and have fun. One out of the five were completed: having fun! Over the weekend, I ate at a new restaurant with lots of new friends (which sometimes I wish Josh could see as he thought I was to shy and not outgoing), went to two new bars, polka'd, grape stomped, toured a winery, watched an excellent community theater production, met up with a friend after church. Sunday wasn't too good though, cried all the way through church, in church and after church. Was pulled over for speeding which I actually try not to do but after this summer one would never guess I usually don't speed, went to b-day party for my cousin where I just found out it was his birthday, went on a nice long walk with two dogs and a friend, and then tried to contemplate the purpose of life. So many things to ponder and pursue.

Finally!

Silly me, I finally figured out how to post an image! This is a pic of my latest tattoo. Each tattoo I have represents something significant in life and this one (like many other people who have one similar) signifies a change. Originally, I wanted a caterpillar turning into a butterfly but that was kind of hard to get. Oh, and it was suppose to be much smaller. Though, I am quite happy with the result. It's also quite fun surprising people as most would not guess that I have 3 tattoos (let alone 1!)When I went to get this particular one, the tattoo artist also stated "you must love roses!". I responded with "um, not really". She then pointed out that each one of my tattoos has at least one rose on it. Very interesting, I remember when I got my first tattoo, the point was to represent peace and love so I got dove carrying a rose on it's wing. I do like roses but my favorite is a carnation: simple, last long, and a variation of colors.

Other than that, not a lot new. It has been extremely busy with 1/2 of my job. It would be perfect (and much needed) if they would move me from 50 per cent to 100 per cent in that specific office. I left so much work on my desk tonight (and I was even there until 9:00 at night!). I've never been one to leave work for the next day, which actually won't be until Monday because I'm in the other department tomorrow but I figured I was exhausted and it would be best to wait rather than not do a good job.

On my walk to work (after an hour and 10 minute commute today!), I just started thinking random thoughts about life and started balling. I was doing so well with not crying but I figure each day will bring something new and there will always be reminders of the marriage and his family so I just have to start getting use to it and buck up.

Oh yah, and a note to self: watch weather forecast or at least bring an umbrella to work so you don't end up like a wet rat if a freak storm shows up.

Dr. Doo Little is back. All of the animals are trying to type a bit.

Observations from Dr. Doo Little

A Doberman, Italian Greyhound Mix, 2 large cats and a person = not very much room on a futon and hard to sleep!

14 year old sister = trying to figure out what in the world emo means

27 year old brother on a softball team = giving my number out to people i don't know

Class with undergrads = many students trying to text on the sly (which is quite annoying to those nerdy ones like myself who would like to actually pay attention during class)

Big Dog + Little Dog = little dog trying to show who's boss while laying on my feet!
yikes, now on my arms (makes it difficult to type!)
Accounting professor = William H Macy

Job = need a new one

Phone = missing friends

E-mail from Josh = missing Josh yet also reminiscing about how he left which then makes me quite upset.

un mensaje a una persona = no mensaje de una persona = alguna persona fue correcto y creo que tiene una novia

Favorite morning talk show = not my favorite any more (okay, not really- it still is my favorite talk show) This morning when I turned the radio on, they were talking about a book which delves further into our divorce rates and they were discussing the theories on why of the 50 percent of marriages that end in divorce, over 80 percent are filed by the woman. Studies have showed varying results, yet even though the discussion was good, it made me feel lousy once again since I'm in the small percentile who were "left" and that I couldn't keep my marriage alive. Those of you that know me, know I would have done anything to make it work. Looking back, it's probably for the best, but there are still days like today when I'm listening to that program or sitting in a class where they are talking about CSOM where it makes me miss Josh or wish that we could have had a "cleaner" separating of the ways.

students back on campus = half my job being fun

sensitive person = crying re trabajo

phone call to friend in california, connecticut and arizona = miss friends dearly

no return phone call from an old friend = very, very worried person

early morning, late night = tired person

good mood, bad mood, good mood, bad mood

Isn't it funny how sometimes just the smallest little thing can set you off. I've always considered myself pretty even tempered but today the tiniest thing got me irate and it is something that shouldn't have. My plan for the evening was to sit back, peruse the ads for an apartment (which I found a super cute one but I need to call to see if it is taken already), job hunt (which I never even got around to), and read a good book (since after tomorrow I won't have time to pleasure read). A little after 7:30 my mom came to tell me that her and my dad were going to my brother's softball games and it would be nice if I came. After debating in my head for a while, I told her that I would come but just for the first game and that I would drive my self and bring Dora. The game went fine and my brother did great as usual. Once at the game my mom asked if her and the other dog could ride with me and I said of course. Well, it turns out they hadn't eaten yet (surprise, surprise) so we drove all around town trying to find fast food her and my sister. We also didn't leave until 9:15.... I know it is something that shouldn't bother me at all, but a couple things ticked me off. One, my mom is trying to lose weight and eating after 9:00 isn't quite that healthy, two my little sister should have a decent meal before 10:00 at night (which is when we got home, three I was tired and cranky and just wanted to be in my bed working on job applications (selfish, yes I know).

Cross your fingers that I can find an apartment soon, even with my above complaint, I really do love my family but I really do miss being able to go home, curl up on the couch, read a good book, without any loud music and with having more than a half of a room to do this in. Plus, my animals would like it because they wouldn't be confined to a half of room anymore. That is probably the worse thing about being here; I really feel sorry for the animals.

Other than that, today I realized why I work in higher ed. It was the first day of school and it is so fun to see all of the students bright eyed and bushy tailed or super nervous or flirting with his/her new classmates. It is much like a social experiment and is amazing to watch. Oh, and this morning I was working walk-in hours and a person came in who looked very familiar and said "profe williams?, it's my chu cho" It was one of my star students from my first year of teaching! It was so great to see him all grown up.

Tomorrow, I start my first accounting class. Lots of people have made fun of me saying you have two bachelor's and a master's, why in the world are you taking a class? When I respond "for fun", then they look at me like I'm even more insane yet I figure it's a good skill to have, it's free (I just have to pay for books and student fees) so why not gain some knowledge in this field, and who knows maybe I'll like it and I'll know my next career goal.

Cross the fingers about the apartment!

Trying to figure out how to post the newest tattoo up.

Weather

It's a beautiful day today and I'm guessing that I will probably procrastinate once again on the items I really shouldn't be procrastinating on such as finding a place to live and figuring out what I really want to do with my life. My job is not what I would like it to be and I really didn't see myself being here for a whole year; that year is now creeping up on me. Though, it is my fault because I didn't try as hard as I should have over the summer because I was making sure that I had some fun. Now, I am regretting that little piece. Oh well, that is what life is about, right?

Last night I went to a singles pool party which was a lot of fun. Although, I did get asked 6 times, why a girl like me is single. Honestly, I don't really understand the question. Lots of single people have various reasons for being single. I don't know how to respond to the question but it was nice meeting new people and being able to swim at least once this summer.

This weekend has also been hard in a way. Labor Day weekend Josh and I would pack Dora up and head out to Waupaca to visit his family. This is a weekend I always looked forward to, even though he would disagree and say because I wasn't bouncing up and down that that meant I wasn't having any fun. Some people may think I am crazy but I really do miss his family; I never really got the chance to say bye to his grandparents who I absolutely adored, his sister stopped e-mailing me out of the blue, and his mom stopped talking to me. It gets better every day but there are still some days where it is just really hard, especially when I hear people talk about marriages and the future. Then, I think back to the night where I got the text message. It still doesn't seem right and I still wonder if there are ever any times where he regrets how he handled things; not necessarily the separation or the divorce but the actual way he acted. I guess it's one thing I will never know.

It is a beautiful day out and I'm going to go try to enjoy it a little bit and then come back and get myself to work on cleaning my room, apartment hunting, and job hunting.