Does the damage really ever go away?

So, this stupid divorce is still affecting me after a really long time. For those of you that have gone through this before, does it get better? Every time I think I'm better and getting back to my true self, I seem to fall right back down. My job is getting busier again, which is a good thing. I have a good set of friends (granted there has been way too much drama that reminds me of high school as of late). I'm now dating a wonderful guy.

But in the dating world, I'm so afraid of making more mistakes that I end up making more mistakes. Often times, I'm too quiet, sometimes I say things when I'm not suppose to, sometimes I'm afraid to say things. He's learned that when there is a topic that is difficult that he needs to ask me three or four times to get my honest opinion. I'm usually too afraid to express my thoughts because everything always comes back to me. Last night, I was too quiet while watching a sporting event, I tried to talk at first but then didn't think he wanted to so I clammed up.

Tonight, our dance class was going for an outing but he couldn't go due to an injury, so I told him that I was debating going to the outing by myself. Unfortunately, he thought I was insinuating that I wanted him to ask me to go and felt that wasn't quite right. I guess I can see how he thought that, but he's said that he wants to hear my thoughts and talk more so I thought I would tell him I was debating on going but didn't want to go by myself. But apparently, it insinuated something else. Maybe I just need to be more quiet or figure out how to not like the guy :)

Coffee shop is closing.

Fondue disaster

So, the boy and I are taking a salsa class together on Wednesday evenings. I haven't asked him to do anything all week since he needs his time. Tuesday evening, I get a text from him saying "dinner and movie at your place after salsa". I'm so excited, I say yes! Since my oven is not working, I get up early in the morning, head to the grocery store and pick up items for fondue, grab a nice bottle of wine, pick up the apartment, all for a romantic evening. After class, he heads over, I start to pick put everything together, but the oil on the stove, cut the meat, get out the mushrooms and carrots. We're talking, having a good time, I get distracted by animals, realize the oil is smoking. Not thinking, I take the oil of the stove, bring to the fondue set, smoking more. Think it will stop smoking in a little while.

Nope, smoke starts to go everywhere. My cats start hacking, he's hacking, I can't see, Dora (my dog) is wining. This is bad. We try to open windows, only to find out that they have been painted shut. He starts to hammer at a window, hits to hard and breaks the window! He runs out of the apartment because he can't take it anymore, I'm trying to open other windows, check on my animals, and get rid of the smoke. He comes back in and says grab Dora, we're leaving. He saran wraps all of my meat, puts it into the fridge as I am putting my cats under the bed (there's a little space that the smoke isn't going.

We leave and go outside, trying to figure out what to do. Suddenly, I start crying. All I wanted was a nice romantic evening and once again, it didn't happen. As I was telling him this, he says it's okay because he wasn't feeling romantic anyway :( Words were said that were meant to be funny, but rubbed me the wrong was as it reminded me of the same things Josh said when he left. Trying to be funny, he says he can't wait to tell his mom about this and that she doesn't have to worry about getting fat if he stays with me because he can't eat half my meals. He was trying to make a joke, but it just struck the wrong chord. Then the boy proceeded to ask me if I;ve always been like this or just since the divorce. Things have never really gone as planned but I'm always able to laugh. He agrees and says that at least we were making a memory. Still, I'm crying and all I really wanted was a hug. Nope, no hug.

We take Dora and head to a restaurant, eat, come back. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to sleep and he heads home. Dora and I go to the apartment and it's still smokey. Not wanting the food to go to waste, I make stir fry for my lunch and dinner for the following day. As I'm making the stir-fry, it's still smokey, I can't see well, and I end up burning my thumb. Soon, I finish the stir-fry, go to the room to try and sleep but the smoke is still quite think. Off Dora, the cats and I go. We stay in my car for a couple of hours and when I can't really stay awake any longer, I head back to the apartment. Still a little smokey but not quite as bad.

At the time, I was really upset that once again my plans did not go the way I expected. Now, looking back I can laugh at it and just chalk it up to another unexpected story to tell. Maybe one of these days, it will go right :)

Maybe the title should be Life of a klutz :)

Well, once again it's been a while since I have written in here. It's a little difficult to write now since I don't have access to the internet in my apartment. There are so many times, I would just love to blog to get feelings and thoughts out, but there seems to be limited time or something comes up.

As usual, my life has been full of dropping things, breaking things, hurting things (unintentionally). A friend of mine recently told me that I should have a camera follow me throughout the day and it would make a pretty good comedy.

Lets start with two weeks ago. In my apartment, I have myself, my two cats, and my dog. One of my cats usually likes to hide yet ever since I've moved in, it seems that she has been quite comfortable with her surroundings. One Friday night, I walked to a dinner and was planning to go home and go watch a movie with the boy. Friends tried and tried to get me to go out, and I refused (I'm a pushover and they were close to getting me to go). I walk home, and as I'm getting to the house I live in, I hear kitty crying. I look and look, thinking maybe it's stuck in a tree or under a car or in the trash or hungry or something. After 10 minutes of looking, I can't find it so I give up. Its dark out, which is why I gave up.

I head into the house and still hear the kitty crying. As I walk up towards my apartment, I'm thinking. "Oh, a neighbor must have gotten a cat and it is not very happy".

The crying seems to be getting louder and louder. I walk into my apartment and realize it's my cat!

I figure she must be stuck in a closet, so I'm going through opening all of my closets. No Nutmeg to be found.

Finally, I realize her cry is coming from the couch. She's in the couch, I start to freak out because I have a small loveseat that reclines and I realize that I shut her in there. I open up the recliners and thought she would just skid out as she would in a closet. Nope, she's still crying and the crying gets louder and louder. I'm under the couch and she's stuck!

She's fighting to get out, yelps loudly, claws flying, and then boom. It's all quiet and she's just laying there. Tears fall from my face as I truly believed I just killed my cat :(. I'm petting her saying "wake up, wake up, wake up". Finally, she moves again. I can't get her out myself so I call my friends who are still at the dinner, hopefully. I get a hold of one friend, in a small voice, I say "my cat is stuck, can someone come help". A few minutes later, 3 people are my apartment! All of them come up and the two guys fuss around a little bit. After a little while, they figure out how to get her out. Once she is free, she runs as fast as she can into the bedroom.

My poor cat, hobbled for a few a days and is still ignoring me. Took her to the vet and she is all well, just a few bruises.

That night, I couldn't fall asleep because everytime I closed my eyes I would see my poor cat laying stuck under the couch.

Thanks to my good friends, my kitty cat was saved :(