roller coaster of emotions

After seven months, one would think that it would start to hurt just a tiny bit less. The books I now read on coping/handling divorce don't really pertain me, it has to do with kids, trying to reconcile, talking about the difficult task of one person moving out after the decision to divorce has been made. Hmmm, I never got this- all I got was a frickin text message that says "I'm staying at _______". I still haven't sent the letter because as a friend explained to me, whatever I send now he can forward to the his lawyer. Which, previously I would have thought that he wouldn't do such a thing but after the e-mail I sent last week that just explained the small things I'm asking to be changed in the draft- I spoke with his lawyer and they explained to me that he forwarded my e-mail on to them since he wants to get it done as quick as possible. I still want to send the letter because I want him to know/realize how much pain he's caused. Who leaves there wife without ever saying anything, never gives her a chance to try and improve, goes on vacations to vegas, puerto vallarta, lutsen, up north, colorado and who knows where else. Who tells the wife over and over again that it's not because of someone else but during the first month after he leaves- calls a girl, who is not his wife, over 100 times and each conversation is for a 1/2 hour or longer, who claims it is not because of someone else yet he starts dating only a few weeks after filing the papers, lies to a pastor and the wife. Then after sending a nasty e-mail and a response from his wife saying "I'm sorry, all you h had to say was "this bother's me, can you do this differently". the man sends a reply that states he didn't make his e-mail to come on to strong, doesn't understand why I'm struggling with finances (maybe because I paid for all of the bills that we got together and based on your salary, paid for the taxes on the cat swap, etc. And then in that e-mail says "it isn't because of someone else, I went on a "date" long after I made my decision and who knows what will happen in the future".

I still don't understand- I met with my counselor last night and she has a couple theories- who knows- maybe one is true. Her first theory is that even though Josh claims that I was never in the marriage- he would be the one that was never in the marriage since he was able to come to such a quick decision and move on so quickly. She also thinks that he was never attached to myself, our dog, cats, and friends. I could see this because he has cut out pretty much his whole life.

My counselor also thinks that I'm being too nice in the divorce settlement. Well I can't afford a lawyer and even though Josh was the breadwinner in the family and will make in 3 months more than what I could make in 10 months. She thinks that I should try for spousal maintanence but the person who has been giving me advice says that it probably would be good. What I do plan to ask for is to take out waiving the spousal maintance. I don't know if I'll get it or if they will be willing to do something since this is not Central's ramp? Ah, I'm in the holiday inn ramp.

I have to get to bed- my mind is spinning and nervous about tomorrow.

Roller Coaster of Emotions

Aaah, all I want is one day that something positive happens. I'm about ready to send a nasty e-mail to Josh. I won't though. I still want to send the letter that I wrote before just to let him know how much this hurts. I'm still struggling each day, I don't understand how a husband can walk out on a wife by using a text message, call a girl over one hundred times and still claim that it has nothing to do with another woman and that the person he "went on a "date" with" was not a premeditated plan but who knows what will happen in the future". I have my guesses. At times, I really do wish that I could be like Josh and just turn off a light switch and look at all of our memories and see that they were bad. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on which way you look at it, I can't think that way. I still believe that our memories were good ones. I still don't understand how one can go from telling his wife that they have the strongest marriage and he's so happy he married his best friend to everything the wife did was to hurt him and that she was never in the relationship in the first place. I just don't understand and probably never will. The reason why I'm thinking about it today is because some stuff happened that made me really really angry at Josh, more angry than I've ever been.

When Josh and I traded cars, Josh kept rubbing the front passenger side tire and looking at it quite strangely. I never thought anything of it until I got home and I was complaining because I had changed the oil, washed the car, vacuumed the car, filled up the gas tank etc, and I was left with a car that was completely on E, no oil change but Josh said "you should change the oil in a few weeks". Well, when I got him, my dad was telling me that Josh screwed me on the tires and that they were quite bad but they would be drivable for a few months. Well, fast forward to today when I'm on my way to church. Boom, a flat tire and not just a little flat tire, it's a blow out- completely ruined the tire flat tire. J I have to finish the story in the moring because I'm getting tired and I want this to make sense and a big adventure (not a fun one ) is yet to come in this story of the soap opera of Maryanne.

Divorce sucks

You go two steps forward and one step back. I was doing relatively well until last week and it seems that I just keep going on a downward spiral, further and further down. I never sent the letter but I did send Josh a list of a couple of the things that I wanted changed on the Marital Termination Agreement that included rewording changing my name, taking out a line on that the termination is due to both parties believing that there is no possible reconciliation, and putting my loans correctly on the stupid MTA. I never hired a lawyer, I consulted with one but that's it. I wasn't trying to be mean and I debated and debated sending it, I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Wow, was I quite wrong. Instead, I get a pretty nasty e-mail back from Josh that starts out with

"I will try to be civil in this e-mail". He goes on to accuse me of trying to get more when he's given me practically everything. I've offered to take more of the debt, I offered to take the Lexus. Then he goes on to say "Don't make this more difficult than it has to be" and goes on how he cooked dinner, supported me throughout grad school, cleaned, never blinked at my grad school bills. I worked a lot for a very little amount during grad school but I worked so I could contribute something to the income but that was taken as not being in the marriage. So now I'm back to square one, feeling like I was a lousy wife and pretty much a horrible human being. I would never want to hurt anyone and just knowing that I hurt him upsets me.

He also stated "I think that you think that I am a womanizing alcoholic now. This isn't about me wanting to party and you not being fun". He's told me time and time again that he wanted to have fun and that I wasn't fun. Yes, I've been concerned about how much he drinks and parties, especially since he was never like this before but I've never called him an alcoholic. I know he goes out a lot with all of his new MBA buddies and that they go the bars and clubs. As for being a womanizer, I don't know- I don't know what he's doing. I do know that he's dating already which hurts me even more. I just don't understand on how through all of this, I'm the one that is seen as the bad guy. I didn't just up and leave my wife with no notice, keep her in limbo for five months while off gallivanting to Lutsen, Vegas, Puerto Vallarta, Aspen, CO. How does someone not even give a person a chance? All he would have had to say is "Maryanne, this bothers me, could you do this differently" or "Maryanne, it feels as though when I get home from a business trip that you aren't even excited to see me, is this true and if it's not could you work on showing me?".

His last line was "You are a good person, I mean that, we just aren't good together". If I was such a good person in his eyes, how could he just walk out? I'm just so frustrated, I really want to send that letter I wrote because I think he needs to hear how much his actions really hurt but at the same time, I think if I did send it- it would just make him more upset than he already is at me. This whole thing sucks, he was my best friend as husband and wife should be and now I no longer have that. I really do miss talking to him and getting his opinion on things and the whole thing just stinks- especially knowing that I hurt him, quite unintentionally but does he realize how much he's hurt me? Does he realize what it's like to sit at home and receive a text message saying "I'm not coming home" and then the next day to be told that pretty much your marriage has been a sham. I've always been a pretty trusting person and I put a lot of trust into him and now it's gone, crashed, smashed into tiny itty bitty pieces and I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone in a relationship way again. I've been quite depressed, sad, lonely, etc. Over the past six months, I haven't watched any tv (not that it's a bad thing), I haven't listened to music in the car, I haven't listened to the radio, I've lost over 30 pounds. Granted, I did need to lose about 15 but 30 is way too much, I don't fit into any of my clothes anymore yet I don't have the money to buy new clothes.

There are so many days where I just want to close my eyes and wake up in three years and have completely forgotten about the past. I wish I could be like Josh and just put all the blame on the person and forget about the vows, forget that I loved that person and married that person for a reason but I can't, i'm not like that, I'm not wired that way.

To send or not to send

All weekend I've been crying non stop. I know one day it will change but often times I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in a year. Even through, my counseling classes, I never really understood the difficulty and stresses of a divorce, especially with mine. In lawyer speak "it's a relatively simple case, no children, no property, short-term. The marriage itself may be short term but our relationship was 8 1/2 years and we were friends for a year prior to dating.

For the past six months, I've apologized over and over again to him, telling him I was sorry for unintentionally hurting him but I've never told him how much he hurt me. i want him to know that just leaving your wife one day without giving her a chance is inappropriate, that acting single while still being married is inappropriate, that lying to the person that you looked in the eyes and made life long vows to, by shirking all responsibility by making her take all of the animas, paying bills that were based on his salary and now I'm struggling, how much all of that hurt. I want him to know that a marriage does need to be worked on, unlike his idealic view of marriage, and that people do go through trials and tribulations. I really think that he's going to have a big shocker in his next "true" relationship, if he thought I was hard to please.

I don't want to be mean but that deep seated anger is really coming out. I am more that hurt/devastated that Josh is dating already but as a good friend told me, "he was out of the relationship six months ago, he just forgot to tell you, so he's had time to heal". This statement was made after I said that I wish I could be like Josh and just have a heart of stone and pretend like nothing ever happened the past 8 1/2 years. During this statement, I remembered a conversation that Josh and I had when we were actually still talking and I thought he was still partly in the marriage. I had asked him he was dating because my counselors had said this is how this sort of stuff usually happens. His response was a quite animate "No, this isn't about someone else. Plus, I wouldn't want to be with a woman who would knowingly be with someone who is still married, that's just not right". Hmmm, but you can now date someone, even though you'll now date someone that knows you are technically still married. Oh, that's right, when I said that we're technically still husband and wife you laughed and said "only on paper". I don't know the girl that he's dating and I don't want to know, especially since he said that my already low self-esteem would just get lower if I knew who it was. Probably, a tall, chesty, extroverted, partier, blond. I don't know, I know that personally, I wouldn't want to date someone that just came out of a marriage. It just doesn't seem right. And I won't even say what all of the studies show about men who have someone waiting in the wing when they leave the marriage.

I'm quite frustrated with myself- I still love Josh, which sucks because I know part of me always will and I know that he only "still cares about" me. I don't understand how that just stops. I want to be able to just cut everything off and forget the past eight years- the reason I want to forget the past is because I had good memories and honestly thought we had a good marriage. For goodness sake, he's the one that use to say that we had the strongest marriage and he was so lucky to be married to his best friend-----until he started grad school. I don't even know this Josh anymore. The Josh I use to know would see people who were recently divorced or broken up with get into relationships right away and he would say "that's not right, how cruel can they be, how come they can't work it out.". Everything he use to say he despised is now what he is doing.

Anger, anger,and more anger

Patience has always been one of my traits that I have been proud of, it came in handy while teaching, while growing up in my crazy family, during my marriage, in the car sitting in traffic, waiting in lines at the grocery store. Being able to handle stress was another trait that I thought was a good one. My old boss use to tell me that she didn't understand how I didn't get stressed. She was 100 per cent positive that I didn't get stressed because I never showed it. Unfortunately, Josh was the only one I showed the stress too and it probably wore him down. The past 6 months I have been extremely stressed regarding paying bills (which I had never been stressed out before), hating my job, trying to find a new job, making decisions in general, stressed about doing the wrong thing so Josh wouldn't want to reconcile, stressed about my family etc. Today is the first day I've allowed myself not to be stressed but I think that is because I am finally to the point of true anger.

For the past 6 months, I have felt all of the emotions almost every single day:

1) guilt- believing the separation was all my fault
2) feeling of failure- i'm not a perfectionist but I like to do well at things and having my marriage completely fall apart and not being able to fix it has made feel like I'm a failure
3) complete sadness- crying everyday, wishing i could go back and change things
4) loneliness- yep, i am an introvert but i love to be around people but lately i've been feeling bad because i haven't felt "fun" enough.
5) jealousy- the past six months have brought a lot of this jealousy on- before this happened- i can say I was rarely jealous. About a month before Josh "suddenly" left- I was jealous of Jen because prior to this happening she would call a lot, Josh would always talk about her, she's a gorgeous,thin blond with nice sized chese whereas one of the areas I am most self conscience about is my extremely small chest. Josh had planned a trip to Wisconsin Dells with a group of friends that included her and mostly single people- but he forgot to tell me about it- when he finally mentioned it, I started crying because that's what I do and I told him I didn't want him to go and that I felt uncomfortable. Hmm, ironic, coincidence, or does it tell a story that about 2 weeks after our little tiff about the dells and Jen that he leaves and then spends all that time and money talking to her on the phone....when he should have been telling his wife how he felt. I've also been jealous of the fact that he now has so many friends and is able to go out and have fun while I can't seem to be sad.

So after today, I still have some of the feelings but I've become much more angry. I had e-mailed him a question on the Marital Termination Agreement regarding retirement , stocks and bonds and he responded by saying "I feel that you feel you are getting screwed financially, when the exact opposite is true". I know it shouldn't hurt but I am a sensitive person, I've offered to take more of the debt but he's always said he wants it because he doesn't want me to have to worry about it. Personally, I think it's so he doesn't have to feel guilty for being a jerk the past six months in addition to the fact that he'll be making five times what I make once he's graduated. Since, he didn't really respond to my question I called his lawyer's office and his attorney wasn't it. Later in the afternoon, I get a phone call at work and the office says that the attorney is no longer with that company and this person will be taking over. She kindly answers my questions and then tells me that once I sign the MTA, it will take 1-7 days for it to be finalized, most likely one. Josh has told me that it would take a few months. Now, I'm coming to realize the reason why he wants it done so quick is that he can continue dating this MBA girl without feeling guilty. I know I've made a list of what I was angry about before but this time I am truly truly angry and want him to know how upset and hurt I am.

1) Not giving me a chance- who "snaps" one night, never comes home, moves out and literally does not give a marriage a chance to be salvaged. After speaking with my new therapist, i think she has a point. Josh has told me that the night he left, he had looked across the bar with hundreds of people and couldn't picture me having fun there because of my introvertedness. I do go out, not all of the time and i don't get "wasted" but if given the chance I would have gone. My therapist's view is that when he was out, it was most likely with single people and realized there was a different life he wanted which didn't include marriage. I believe this to be true but instead of him saying this- he's told me over and over again of everything i did that hurt him.

2) Text messaging me to tell me he wasn't coming home again. How adult is that?

3) Shirking all responsibilities- on my tiny paycheck- I was left with a 1200 dollar rent payment, a Lexus car payment, all of the house bills which were very expensive, the phone bill, gym membership, life insurance, car insurance, etc. While I was taking care of the house that he chose (and we had agreed that this time I would choose the place to live since not once in our relationship did I get to choose) and I was taking care of my pets, he was going on vacations, in one semester he went to a friend's cabin (2 days after he left), Lutsen for a ski trip (I love to ski and not once did he ever ski with me), Cancun, Vegas, back to Cancun for spring break, then two days after he told me he wanted a divorce he went on a road trip- where he ended up in Aspen, Co. Our last real vacation was probably our honeymoon- once we moved to Connecticut, we used vacation to come back and visit family. I was sitting at home trying to make ends meet while he's enjoying this party, no responsibility attitude. He's still taking no responsibility- I still have all of the pets which he should really take Dora since it's actually his dog.

4) constantly telling my I'm dependent. Yes, I am sad- i believed in a marriage and it was completely torn apart and I'm mad that I was never given a chance to work on the marriage but that does not mean I am dependent- my family would completely disagree with him

5) Being lied to, he constantly told me it wasn't because some one else, he told me he didn't want to be with anyone and he's not meant to be a relationship yet the day after he meets with the Pastor and me, he's dating--- no I'm sorry that happened a long time before. It also made me mad that he said he wouldn't say who it was because he was afraid I would call her. I'm not that type of person. He also said that I would compare myself to her and my self-esteem is already low. Well, yes I've been torn into tiny little pieces repeatedly told how much I hurt him by my actions while he's been out galavanting with girls- of course I'm not feeling the most confident but he doesn't have to rub it in my face.

6) Extremely angry that I wasn't given a chance to rectify things. Almost every book I've read has said that most people discuss things and try to work on things and instead I get an impulsive jerk that just leaves and never looks back. This is what makes me the most mad. My therapist says she has worked with a number of divorce cases and in her 18 years of therapy- she has never had anyone be so quick to get out of a marriage and to act so impulsively.

7) I'm mad that he says he's hurt by the divorce too. If this was true- he wouldn't be dating- he would have listened to the pastor when he said we both need time to heal.

8) I'm worried about his drinking

9) I'm mad that he's been putting words in my mouth. He's said that I was never in the marriage, never wanted to do anything, afraid of the city, felt resentment towards him for moving to Connectict, etc. All things that I never felt and I'm angry that he thinks all of this and doesn't believe me.

10) I'm really angry that he believes that i never liked his family- his family was very important to me and I'm mad that he doesn't want us to keep in touch any more.

11) I'm mad that when we switched cars, I changed the oil (which he said he was going to do), filled up the gas tank, and washed the car and i get a car that is on complete E, needs the oil changed (because he didn't think I would have time), and the car had bird poop all over it.

12) I'm extremely angry that the day before I was suppose to have the carpet cleaned, he was suppose to come get his items at 7:30 and he never did and when he finally returned my call- all he said was "I got caught up"- yeah- what did you get caught up in sleeping with your new fling? So, I had to move all of his crap by myself- I got two hours of sleep that night thanks to him!!!

13) Saying that my family is crazy and he doesn't know how my dad puts up with my mom- yes my family is crazy but you don't bash your in-laws.

14) Telling me that I have no goals or ambitions. Yes, we do not have the same goals and ambitions- I want to help people and he wants to have power and money but that doesn't mean that I do not have goals or ambitions.

15) Telling me that myself and our old friends are no fun because they have settled down.

16) Telling me that our marriage was nothing more than a best friendship.



17) For lying to me throughout our marriage- he had constantly told me that our marriage was the strongest and best ever and he was so happy and lucky to be married to me but over the past 6 months- all he has done is tell me how unhappy he was with me. Does he remember- he was the one that proposed, he was the one that married me, he was the one that chose not to date anyone before me and now he is punishing me for the decisions he made!

So I guess I'm even more angry than I thought. I really think I am going to send the letter tomorrow morning- I didn't want to send it in hopes of reconciliation but that is obviously not going to happen. I've also decided that even though he says that he wants to be friends some day, I can not be friends with him. He has been dishonest with me and has treated me like crap for six months- I may not have a lot of friends but the ones I do have our lifetime friends and are hard to come by. He wants to create this new life that doesn't have anything to do with his old one and not only did he give up a good wife, he gave up a good friend. I know this is selfish and mean but i really hope that one day he wakes up and realizes how mean he has been and realizes that marriages do need to be worked on, and that we could have had a good, healthy marriage. He is not going to like the letter but I am going to send it to him because he needs to hear it, all I've done is repeatedly apologize and now it's time for him to hear how he is acted- though I doubt he even cares any more.

Lies, lies, and more lies part II

Part two of Sunday night.

So, my brother calls late Saturday night, early Sunday morning. He is as drunk as you can be and very irate and aggressive. While talking to Heather and I on the phone all he is doing is yelling and screaming. After quite a few attempts, I finally get him to call down while on the phone. This is after he's already called his wife multiple names (cunt, whore, studid, and much more. It is so frustrating to hear this and not being able to do anything. Heather does not deserve to be treated like this. My brother and two friends are at a softball tournament in the middle of nowhere with no place to stay. He's already spent 200 dollars on beer for him and his buddies and had no money left. I offered to get them a hotel room, if there are any spaces available. So, I go ahead and call the hotels in Pine City and I'm informed that all of the hotels within 50 miles are booked. Even though it's warm out, I still don't want my brother and his friends to sleep on the street(someone else had already taken my brother's car). So, heather and I being the people we are go and drive an hour and 1/2 to pick up these drunk...there's more to the story but I'm about to fall asleep.

Today, I met with a new counselor and I really think I will like her, she did make me realize something that I had been suspicious of the whole time and that my EAP counselor thought as well. Josh didn't just snap the day he left- he had been thinking about it and isn't offly strange that one week after we get in a fight regarding a party and this girl named Jen, is the night he leaves. Added to what I beieve is his crock of lies is the fact that the month after he left he had more than 100 phone calls to this girl, all for more than a 1/2 hour. He's denied ever dating, he's said to me before that it's not because he wants to be with another person, it's because of all of the things that hurt him. My new counselor and the Pastor want me to get angry and I think I've finally begun the process and tomorrow he'll receive a letter stating my feelings- even though he thinks I didn't keep my mouth shut. Well since, he believes that, part of me wants to send the letter- I want him to read it, i want him to know how bad he hurt me.

I need to write more later but my eyes are tired.

Lies, lies, and more lies

Well, this was definitely one of the more eventful weekends I've had in quite a while. In the past, I've always enjoyed being busy but the way this weekend turned out would not be what I call enjoyable.

FRIDAY

On Friday I was to meet a person for free dance lessons. I ended up being late (I hate being late!)because I had met with a lawyer and didn't allow enough time for traffic. When I realized I was going to be late, I tried to take a short cut. Silly me, I should know that my short cuts rarely work. My short cut wound up with me being quite lost and a half hour late for lessons. The lessons itself were quite awkward. Not for any particular reason except for the fact that I am me. The instructor kept talking about all of her wedding couples and the dances she teaches and how happy the couples are when they are floating on the dance floor. Somehow, I made it without crying until I was in the car by myself. Josh and I took dance lessons for our wedding and I quite enjoyed the lessons and dancing with him. It's times like this when I get even more sad because it reminds me of the happy times that I thought we had, now knowing that he believes we never had a happy moments.
After the lessons, we grabbed dinner at a cute little diner down the road. I've told the person I was with that I'm not interested in dating and that I'm in a rough spot right now. While at dinner, I just wanted to scream- stop talking! I'm hurt, I'm a bad person, I don't want a divorce, I feel like my life has done a complete 180 (well, that is true, isn't it).

After dinner, I ended up meeting with some friends that I hadn't seen since before Josh left. I was really happy about this. The friend that I saw was a friend that Josh didn't want me to talk to because they were friends first. During the past six months, I've really missed his friendship but was respecting Josh's wishes. Later in the evening, I found out that Josh doesn't even talk to him anymore. I have no idea what happened to Josh. He's changed quite a bit and I honestly don't think it's for the better. Anyone that can throw away good friendships from people he's known for years and years for "new" and more exciting friends does not know what the meaning of true friendship is. The people that he has "thrown away" are the most loving, kind, generous, fun (yes, even without alcohol, Josh) people. They are people that will stand by your side not matter what is happening and will support you. Instead of going to these people for help, he's tossed them out of the window and into the garbage. I'm mad at how he's treated me the past 6 months but I'm even more furious at how he's treated his old friends.

SATURDAY

Saturday was work as usual in the morning. I hate admitting this but since Josh left, I've been struggling with bills so I work extra any chance I get. This is another area where sometimes I feel selfish for being upset. Prior to Josh and I getting to engaged I didn't make very much but I was able to save a lot. Once Josh and I were married Josh took over doing the finances. I would ask about savings and he would always tell me not to worry. When we moved back here and I was debating negotiating my salary before accepting the job, Josh had told me not to because he would be making 6,000 dollars a month this summer so we'd be able to pay things off. Well, when you have rent, bills, car payment, and more that adds up to 2200 dollars a month and you don't take home that much money, it makes it hard to save and to just get by. Unfortunately, I can honestly say that I haven't gone "real" grocery shopping since before Josh left because I didn't have money for groceries. For lunch, I would have a reece's peanut butter cup or whatever I could find in the office at work. Once in awhile, if I could scrounge things up, I would go out to eat with a friend. Selfishly, I'm upset that I became accustomed to a certain lifestyle that now I can't enjoy. Living with my parents is helping me pay some bills and hopefully save something but at times I still feel like a complete loser and then I get upset at Josh knowing that he's out there making in one month what it would take me more than 3 months to make. I'm not quite sure where all of this comes from what I wanted to write about is coming up next.

For quite a while now, I've had the sneaking suspicion that Josh has been dating someone Especially, after this week when he was so adamant about me signing the papers. After one of his e-mails, I asked him why he was in such a hurry and his response was "It sucks, we're both hurt, I want to move on". So, I returned the e-mail asking him to clarify what he meant and if he was dating anyone. Of course, he doesn't answer this question. Well, today I found out I was correct, he has been lying. He even lied to the Pastor! How can you lie to the frickin Pastor???? I asked if he would tell me who it is and his response was "I don't understand why it's any of your business that I'm dating" (umm, if you're so smart- don't you recall that we are still legally married at this point of time and that you've already torn my heart into thousands of little pieces). He went on to explain that he's not going to tell me who because he's afraid I'll call her or that I'll compare myself to her and with my self-esteem being so low already, it would make it even worse. Who is he to say where my self-esteem is at the moment. Yes, I'm hurt, yes, I feel like the whole dissolution was partly my fault but I'm starting to get to the point where I'm angry at him because he never expressed any of these feelings.

In the conversation, I asked him that in his next relationship to please tell the person what he's feeling and he responded with "I'm not throwing rocks and stones at you, why are you throwing daggers". I was trying to be nice because i don't want anyone to go through what I'm going through now. In another part of the conversation I brought up the fact that I felt like I was being thrown away and that I never meant anything to him and how hurt I was with the fact that he could just up and leave one night and never look back. This time his response, in a very unfriendly tone was "there's the anger the Pastor talked about".

With all that he has done, I'm finally realizing that I do need to get angry. I've been blaming myself all this time and during the time that I've been blaming myself, he's been off in lala land on party trips to Vegas and Mexico, and then doing who knows what with who knows who on a road trip, I'm guessing he's probably having a lot of one night stands since the alcohol which he now seems to enjoy consuming so much gives him the confidence to get girls. I really don't know who he is anymore. Since he left, Josh has always said that I was never in the marriage. After josh told me he was dating, I e-mailed a friend of mine who is a Pastor telling him how I was feeling with this new information and his wise response, really made me open my eyes even more. He stated: "I think Josh is the one who was not in the marriage from the beginning, if he can move on so quickly without hardly looking back. I would be mad as well." Honestly, I think my pastor friend is right on the mark.

In the conversation, Josh also wanted to know why we couldn't end the conversation with smiles. Are you frickin kidding me? You've finally admitted to dating (after you lied to both myself and a Pastor), you threw away the person you use to call your best friend and wife, you've tossed her into the garbage truck and thrown her down a grimy and windy river, you've told me repeatedly of all of the things that I did to hurt you yet i didn't know those things hurt you and they are all items that could have been improved upon, but no, your never even given the chance. You've also told her that you've been unhappy for eight years. Hmmm, i think maybe those are just a few reasons why I'm still crying.

At the end of the conversation, he said that he wants me to know that he's hurt to. yes, i know all of the things that hurt you but I also know that the actual divorce isn't hurting you because if it was, you wouldn't be dating already. The research plus what the Pastor said was that each of us needs to take time to figure out who we are by ourself before going back to the dating world. Yet, I can tell that for him he thinks he's already had the time because he checked out of the marriage months and months and months ago- he just forgot to tell his loving wife that important piece of information and then kept stringing her along. Tonight, I'm being mean because I do hope that one day wakes up and realizes what a good thing he had that he gave up on. I hope that he sees that marriages are work and than maybe if given the chance, our marriage could have grown even stronger. I may not have been the traditional wife but I am a good person who did love him (I wish I could figure out how he went from I love you, to I love you but I'm not in love with you, to I still care about you". If I could make my feelings do that, I'd be able to stop crying just a little bit.

During this time, I have come to realize how lucky I am to have the friends that I have. I do need to find some type of divorce support group though, because if one has not gone through anything like this, it is hard for one to understand all of the emotions that come with a divorce. I'm really tired of hearing, it's not as bad as you think it is, get over it, he's a jerk. Yes, he's not been acting in a kind way towards me but the other things, I can't just let go of the feeling of failure knowing that when I stood up on the altar on my wedding day and said the words "until death do us part, I thee wed". I had imagined where we would live, kids, family, etc and then poof it's all gone in an instant. If you've never been there, you can empathize but it's really difficult to understand the emotions (at least that's what all of the books say as well). I need to find a support group for divorcees or something like that.

SUNDAY

Oooh, this one has to do with my brother and again, hmmm, what else? alcohol. There is a reason that when I was a child I made the conscious choice not to drink to heavy. I don't care if people think I'm a prude or in my husband's words (yes, Josh at this time- you still are my husband) "no fun".

Well, my sister-in-law wanted to go out and enjoy the Minneapolis scene. A little after 11:30 we head over to a friends house for a glass of wine. Well, my brother is up at a softball tournament as he is every weekend. My sister-in-law does not have a cell phone. I get a call from my brother asking for Heather so I give it to her and the next think you know is he's yelling at her calling her names, he's far proceeded drunk. He spent all of his money, he's with two friends that are just as drunk as he is and they have no place to go. They can't sleep in the car because one of the men on the team has taken my brother's car and drove it back down to the cities. After calling Heather more names (which she does not deserve to be treated like that) he hangs up. A little later, he calls again- in an even more drunk state. I decide that I'll see if we can find them a hotel and I'll put the room on my card. Seems like a good idea (of course, I'm nervous that they'd rack up a large bill".

My battery is going to dye so I'll finish the story tomorrow- stay tuned! Hint: it doesn't end up with them in a hotel room and does end up with me getting an hour of sleep....

Timing

Timing is a key entity of life. There are always many stories of people getting jobs or meeting people that become special to them by "being in the right place at the right time". I also hear a lot on how time heals. I know time heals but right now, I'm stuck in this state of disbelief, pain, and confusion. After finding out some information, I truly believe that Josh is dating someone. Since the day he has left, he's always denied that the separation/divorce is because he wants to be with someone else. He even told the Pastor that he wasn't dating. However, with everything that I found out about in addition to some other factors- it all points to him dating. Even though, I have said before that if this was the reason why, I would have an easier time thinking he was a jerk, it still hurts. I still don't understand why he wants the divorce so quickly. Just this week, I've had 2 e-mails that have pretty much asked why I haven't signed the papers yet and inquiring about the hold up. This to me indicate someone being on the other side.

Random thoughts on Divorce

Everyone keeps saying "get over it", "start dating other people", "you'll find someone better", "he's a jerk", he's a narcissist", "you're finally free, explore, have fun for the rest of us who are stuck", "take him for all he's worth", etc. The funny thing is, these are all from people that have never been in this situation. When talking to people who have actually been through a divorce, I hear "it sucks", "I would never want to put anyone through this pain", "it will get better with time, but you will need a lot of time", "it took me 3 years to finally forgive myself and realize it was not my fault", "these are rough times, it's worse than a spouse dying because you know he/she is still here", "take at least a year off before dating", "at least you don't have children, then you would be tied to him forever", "be prepared for him to remarry, and he will, sooner than you think and quicker than you are ready". It's quite odd to get the various perspectives on how a divorce should work. Even in a relatively simple divorce, there are still so many logistics and emotions involved. I would much rather work on my marriage but it's obvious that he's done. Actually, I'm pretty sure he's dating someone he either met through the MBA program or at a party he threw. I'm still very sad many of the days, I still feel guilty for not showing my feelings more and for having a hard time transitioning to Connecticut and then transitioning back to MN. Yet, even though I'm sad, I've become very angry. Earlier, I wrote down many of the "complaints" Josh had towards me for the past 8 year and here is the unending list of why I'm extreme anger and hurt.

I'm angry or upset regarding the following items:

1) Never telling me how he felt, I guessed he was depressed in Connecticut but when I asked,he would just laugh. I would talk to his mom and my boss to try to figure things out but he always denied it.
2) Josh never coming home that Friday night- the non-existant phone call, the text message, the phrase "it's the alcohol talking".
3) Never giving me a real chance, moving into an apartment without giving us a chance for living together
4) Discussing things we were going to try and then just snapping and never actually come back.
5) All of the words that have been told about how bad a wife I was. Yes, I wasn't the traditional wife but I came home every night and gave him 100% of my heart and soul.
6) The list could go on and on. I'm especially angry about how he's treated me the past 6 months. I also really want to know, if he was so unhappy, why did he propose and then marry me in the first place.

This past weekend- why I think he's dating someone even though he asked.
Oh, there are so many more reasons I'm frustrated.


1. I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings but I haven't decided if I should send it or not.

Mixed Emotions

Today is a day of a variety of emotions. In order to save money I moved back in with my parents for a little while. Even though I love my family, I'm starting to see where I got a lot of the things that Josh didn't like about me. I've been out and about all day and when I got home my mom was laying in her room. I had asked my dad if he had eaten dinner yet and he said no he was waiting for my mom to decide what she wanted. No problem, well my dad ended up eating chips for dinner and my mom is still in her room. She's on the 4th Steven King movie of the day and she doesn't want to miss any part of it. So, she's spent 8 hours watching tv without getting up. In my head, this is okay once in a while but this is a daily occurance with her.

My mom doesn't cook, she spends a lot of time watching tv in her room and she has social anxiety. It's almost nine and my little sister hasn't eaten yet either. I asked if anyone wanted me to make them supper and they just want chips. One of Josh's complaints was that I wasn't a traditional wife, I come from a very non-traditional family with extremely poor eating habits. There are no vegetables, fruit, juices, or milk in the fridge. Yet, there is a lot of pop in the fridge- actually, that's what they have for breakfast.

After being with Josh's family for 8 years, I miss the family dinners where everyone sits around the table every night, talk to one another, discuss what happened in a day, etc. I really miss these dinners and I'm mad that Josh told me that I was never into these dinners in the first place. I've never said anything to make him think that but since I didn't jump up and down with excitement, it meant I wasn't happy. I really miss his family and his mom. His mom knows me better than anyone in my family and actually understands me. Whenever I try to talk to anyone in my family, they have to somehow throw in that I'm college educated and remind me that I'm not "normal" in my family.

In regards to the dinner, I'm 30 and the only time my immediate family has ever done that was this past Thanksgiving when Josh and I hosted the dinner. It's a good/bad memory because 2 weeks later Josh unexpected left. I really do love my family but being here makes me realize why I was in such a hurry to get out the house in the first place.

Of course, I've also been thinking about Josh. He would be the one that I would call and talk to about this situation but I can't. It makes me so mad that he can just up and leave his wife and supposed best friend because he feels like it. Right now, I'm in the angry mode. I'm mad that he never told me how he felt because I had always thought that we had a pretty good relationship and he had said that as well. I still have the card from Valentine's day on our 3rd wedding anniversary that says he loved our evening conversations, he liked that I could drop everything after a long day and make a snowman, and that most of all he loved that he married his best friend. With everything that he is saying now- was he being truthful in the card or have the last 8 years been a complete lie. I feel like they've been a complete lie. He knew who I was when he first started dating me, he knew who I was when he proposed, he knew who I was when we moved to CT, he knew who I was when we moved back yet he says he's been miserable the past 8 years. Why would you stay with someone if you're that miserable? After unexpectedly leaving, why would you call another girl over 100 times and talk for hours on end regarding this situation but not talk to your wife- the one who should have known so she could have had a chance to work on things. Actually, I'm really upset with this right now. I don't understand just "snapping" and then leaving and not giving a marriage a real chance. What does commitment mean now in our society? Obviously, to Josh- it means absolutely nothing which angers me because when I stood up at the altar- I meant those words "For Better For Worse, For sicker, for poorer, til Death do us part". If he was so angry then- he should have never proposed and never married me in the first place.

I'm going to write more later, I have to take my sister to Subway as my mother is still watching her movie and she just told my sister that she needs to wait until the 4th part of the movie is done, grrr.