Well, the divorce papers came today. After work I went shopping (on a very tight budget!) since none of my clothes fit anymore and I'm really tired of wearing super baggy clothes and my little sister's belt to help hold the pants up. When I did finally come home, just a little while ago, I saw a big envelope stamped "To: ..........." From: "District Court". It's the finalized copy of the divorce decree. I really don't want to cry right now so I decided to wait to open the envelope up until tomorrow. I know I'll be a nutcase reading them, especially since now I will have to actually go and change my name, every where. Credit cards, car insurance, life insurance, driver's license, social security card, bank information, gym membership, work, health insurance, cell phone company, church, and I know there is more but I can't even think of them right now. I do know that each time I go to change my name, it's going to hurt and I'll probably still cry for quite awhile.
In order to try and improve my thoughts once again, I'm starting a new book that I wish I would have started much earlier. It's called Rebuilding: When Relationships End and apparently a lot of divorce support groups have used this as their model so I'm hoping it's helpful. All the reviews I've read have been good so I'm hoping it helps a bit. Especially after reading that darn mid-life crisis at 30 book. I did like the 2nd half of the book better since there were little pieces about famous women, what they were doing at 30 and what there were doing now. I did find one chapter very enlightening and very true, an excerpt written by a journalist found on page 244
"The real rub in life is when the extraordinary becomes the ordinary,which it inevitably does, time and time again, especially in relationships. I'm not saying marriage is destined to be dull, but if you want the honest truth, here it is: Marriage can be hell. And the grass i snot greener on the other side. So ou may as well love the one you're with." Then later it goes on to say "Marriage wasn't designed to make you happy- you must do that for yourself. Happiness comes from the wellspring of your heart, not from another person, even if you have ht greatest husband on Earth, which I happen to think i have got. Today, i think that. ha1 Tomorrow, it may be a different story, and so goes the real marriage, heaven one day, hell the next".
This was the first person's story that I have agreed with in the entire book and it's something I wish Josh would have also realized. Josh told the counselor and me that marriage shouldn't need to be worked at, it's something that should just be. This frustrated me because I believe it is something that should be worked on and constantly worked on. Hopefully, some day he will learn this lesson.
Well, I have actually made it an entire day without crying. Maybe I can do it again tomorrow, especially while reading the finalized copy of the divorce papers. Still saddens me, to know a person 10 years, date for 5, married for 4 and then have it all dismissed on paper within a matter of weeks. Quite sad, in my mind.
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Hello again. Josh's comment made me so angry. A marriage shouldn't just 'be'. It is a partnership that needs to be worked on, learning from each other, maturing with the other's help, loving and supporting each other in the good AND bad times, talking things through when collisions occur, which they will. If that is Josh's attitude to all of his future relationships, I can't see any of them working out!
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