Un-truths?

Today has been a day of ups and downs. For work, I started training for the department I will be in for the summer. I'm very excited- it will be busy (which I love) and I'll have co-workers- woo-hoo!!!! It will be intense the first few weeks as the learning curve is quite high but I love to learn and once I'm actually out of the townhouse, I'll have more time to concentrate on the learning. I do have to play catch up in my other department though- I was only out of the office for training for one day so far and I made the mistake of checking my e-mail at 10:30 at night- lots of study abroad petitions. I'll be going in quite early tomorrow to catch up. After the extremely slow school year, it is definitely nice to be busy once again :)

I've also realized how truly blessed I am. Even though I've been quite sad and depressed, I have wonderful friends who have stuck by my side and listened to me complain and doubt myself for the past six months. I truly couldn't ask for better friends. I've also met a lot of new people who couldn't be more kind and generous. My family has also been surprisingly helpful. I was quite stressed with trying to get everything finished with the move, especially after last night when Josh didn't come get his items. I try not to ask for help but I had to this weekend. Today, my mom, dad, and sister-in-law came over while I was at work. My mom and sister-in-law cleaned everything that I hadn't been able to get to and my dad moved the rest of the items that I hadn't been able to move to storage yet. So, now all I have left is a little more cleaning, moving my clothes, moving cleaning supplies, and moving whatever Josh decides not to take. It will be a late night tomorrow but then I won't have to worry about it for quite a while.

The down of today was meeting with Josh and the Pastor. As we hadn't actually talked to the Pastor since we were married over four years ago, it was a little awkward but I wanted to try to get some type of understanding of why Josh doesn't want to work on things. The Pastor asked if we had done marriage counseling and Josh said yes- for 6 weeks. This angered me quite a bit but I didn't speak up- though I should have. In actuality, we only saw a counselor for 4 weeks. The deal was that after the 4th session, the counselor thought it would be best if we each saw our own counselor and then after our meeting with our own counselor, we would come back to see her. We didn't set up an appointment at that time because Josh was unsure of his schedule. Well, I set up my appointment and he was suppose to set up his the next day. However, he never set it up and we didn't go back. I asked him numerous times after that if we could start seeing the marriage counselor again and he would always say "I don't know what the marriage counselor would help us with, we can do the same thing just talking". So, it angered me that 1) he would give the Pastor misinformation and 2) that we never did get the chance to continue marriage counseling. Part of me wants to tell Josh how I'm feeling in this regard but the other part of me is saying, it's not worth opening another can of worms.

Yeah! Another 1/2 hour of no crying!

Patience

I've always prided myself on my patience but tonight it's wearing quite thin. The lease on the townhouse is up in three days and I have to go out of town for work on the last day. Tomorrow, the carpet cleaners come so I've been trying to get everything out of the house before the carpet cleaners come so then after they come, all I have left is the rest of the cleaning. Yet, there is a problem- this is where my patience is starting to wear quite thin. Josh still has quite a bit left in the townhouse. He came this afternoon to get some items and then said he would stop by this evening to pick up another load. He has two approximately two more loads. One load was in the living room and the other in the basement. As I've been packing, I've been putting his stuff into piles on each level. He said he was going to be back around 7:30/8:00. I've been busy trying to get the rest of my stuff out and cleaning. When Josh doesn't arrive by 9:00, I tell myself I'll give him to 9:30. At 9:30, I give him a call and there is no answer so I leave a message. At 10:30, he calls and says "sorry, got caught up". He repeats this four times. I don't know what he means by he got caught up- my guess is he probably went out bar hopping (since it was quite loud from where he was calling) so he forgot that he had to come back and get his stuff.

So, instead of him coming and getting his items. I've been bringing everything out to the garage setting it in an even bigger pile. Normally, this wouldn't bother me but since I still have quite a bit of my stuff left, lots of cleaning, and I start a new department at work tomorrow, it made me a litlte upset. It also made me a little upset because I felt like once again, I've been thrown to the wayside.

This morning, I started out crying and feeling guilty for being a bad wife. Then I was going through my scrapbooks deciding which ones I wanted to keep and which ones Josh could have. I've been trying to give him the ones with the majority of this family, even though he says he doesn't really want the pictures. While going through the scrapbooks, there are quite a few pictures of us. We're always smiling and looking like we were having a good time. This confuses me quite a bit as Josh has said that he always thought every other couple was happier than us. I was alwas happy to be with him, always excited when he came back from abroad, always enjoyed listening to him, and really enjoyed being his best friend and wife. Even though, I did always feel this way, I didn't show it very well. Even though, I am extremely sad about the divorce in general, I'm really upset with myself knnowing that many of my actions really hurt him. I've apologized and asked for a 2nd chance but he has said he doesn't want apologies and there is no 2nd chance. I just him to know and want him to truly believe that I am sorry that some of my actions hurt him.

Ugh!

It's a holiday weekend and most people are up North at their cabins. Me, I'm sitting here procrastinating once again. Josh was coming over to get his stuff while I was at work with Sylvan. When I came home, he was still at the house. His first words to me were "are you okay". He then went on to tell me that I've lost too much weight and that he's not worth crying over. Aren't I the one to judge who or who isn't worth crying over? He said he still worries and he's concerned. I told him there is no reason to be concerned and he said "I still care about you.". That hurt, last week it was "I still love you but I'm not "in love with you". Now this week, it's "I still care about you"?? It's hard to see him because I just want to talk to him and give him a big hug. Then, my messed up head starts wondering if he's dating anyone or doing things with girls. Especially now since alchohol seems to play a big factor in his life. I still wish that some day he'd wake up and see that I am a good person and a loving person who just wasn't able to express it very well.

I've been talking a lot to old friends and every single one has said I'm one of the nicest people they know and that someday he'll regret this decision. I'd really like for this to be true but I still feel so much guilt. Plus, isn't it the saying "nice guys always finish last". Maybe if I can learn to be mean and not care, I'll start getting ahead. Nah, I just can't do that- I am who I am.

I left all the pictures out for Josh to take a look at and decide what he wanted to take. No surprise, he didn't take any. Sometimes, I really wonder why he's in such a rush to get rid of me. I've made a lot of scrapbooks since we were married and was hoping that he would take some, but he won't. He said I worked too hard on the books. Josh was a big part of my life for 8 years and the memories are in my head, I don't need a constant reminder of what a horrible wife/girlfriend I was. It's like he just wants to discard the last 8 years like nothing ever happened. He put all of our wedding pictures and wedding items in a box to store at his parents and said that neither one of us should have to look at these. Sometimes, I want to know if this is hurting him at all, does he ever wonder if he's making the right decision or is he still so upset with me that he'll always think of me as a horrible wife who was "just a best friend".

I'm also really ticked. Josh's birthday was last week and I bought him a present, nothing big- just something for work. He told me he didn't want to offend me and that the thought was nice but he couldn't take it because if he took it than I would think he would want to work on things. Yes, I would like him to want to work on the marriage but that's not why I got him the present. So, yes I am offended and I'm quite hurt. I wonder if he even realizes how much he's hurting me right now.

I really want to go dancing tonight but have no one to go with. Any takers? I should pack but I want to be out and about.

Frustration

A little less than a year ago, we were in the process of packing up our house in CT and taking our onward journey back to the midwest. We were both filled with excitement to come back and start the next chapter of our lives. Never in a million years would I have predicted this is where we would be today.

Today I'm filled with frustration, I think it's the whole packing thing and moving back in with my parents. I really don't want to move back in with my parents but I need to save money- I'm hoping to only be there a few months. Josh sees moving back in with my parents as a sign of dependency. I don't know why I let his thoughts bother me so much.

The whole name change thing is on my mind today. For the summer, I switch departments at work. Today, I had training and my new supervisor was introducing me to everyone as Maryanne Williams-Hackbarth. Yep, that is my name, I hyphenated it instead of completely changing it. I really don't want to change my name back as I've stated in earlier blogs. Now, I know how much not changing my name really hurt Josh, however, before we got married we had conversations upon conversations regarding this . A friend made me see a little more perspective today. Men, even though times have changed, don't realize how difficult it is for a woman to change her name. For 26 years, I was Maryanne Williams. Even though my family is dysfunctional and crazy, I didn't want to give up that part of my life but I also wanted to take on his name to show him and other people that I made a commitment to him. I thought it was a good compromise which he had agreed to at the time. So for the past 4 years, I have now been known as Maryanne Williams-Hackbarth and yet again, I am the one that has to change my name. Even though it is not something I want to do.

Also, today I've been thinking a lot about marriage, alcohol and the name change. Part of me thinks part of the reason of Josh leaving is due to his newfound like of alcohol since that was what he was doing the evening he left and it was something he had never done before. This really irks me because I would have loved to go out, dancing, etc. I'm not a big drinker but that doesn't mean I can't go out and have fun. I don't drink a lot for a couple reasons. My grandmother is an alcoholic and when I was a kid and saw how alcohol affected her life and how cruel she got when she was drinking, I made a conscious decision to not ever have alcohol affect me my life. Since alcoholism is genetic, I've made it a priority to be very careful. Also, when I was younger my parents were on a bowling league and every Saturday and Sunday, they would have their friends over and many of their friends were big drinkers. Two in specific were very violent after they drank and I saw too many fights and people getting hurt. I remember one evening, watching through my bedroom door, a big fight that developed where one person pushed another person down the stairs and an even nastier fight happened. These are all reasons I am so careful around alcohol, I don't think it makes me a not fun person. Just a little more responsible. I never tell anyone not to drink, just to drink responsibly.

Another huge aspect on my mind is what do I want to do with my life. I've been reading Po Bronson's book What Should I do With my Life, and many other books and I'm still trying to figure out the answer. Do we ever really know the true answer to that question?

I suppose I should really stop procrastinating and start packing. Maybe tonight I will make it through packing without crying.

Anger, Guilty, memories, what else?

In one of our first counseling sessions, Josh said "I wish she would just get angry.". This statement has stuck with me over the past five months. I'm not an angry person, I'm pretty laid back and happy go lucky. I try not to let too much bother me. Even though the past five months has bothered me quite a bit. Today, was one of the first days I actually felt a little anger. I'm packing again today and as I was packing, I decided to look through the scrapbooks I had made. One of Josh's complaints is that I was never happy and am hard to please. Well, almost every picture we have is of us smiling and having fun. It makes me upset that he's said that I wasn't ever in the marriage when these pictures would show otherwise. I know that I wasn't the best wife the past two years but I have tried my best. I also know that a big part of it has to deal with his MBA program. He's made quite a few new friends, is well-liked and well respected and I didn't quite understand the importance of networking. Now that I've done quite a bit of research, I understand how important the networking is.

So, I'm still in the midst of packing and am now to wedding items, wedding gifts, wedding cards, wedding pictures, wedding gown, etc. What is the protocol on wedding items? We still have a lot that stuff now.

Other things on my mind this week: finding a a way to live abroad, finding a great job, the whole name changing thing, guilt and regrets of things I could have done better.

hmmm

I really did not want to pack tonight so I procrastinated quite a bit. It's my only night this week that I don't have anything so I should have gotten a lot more done than I actually did. In part of procrastinating, I went out to eat by myself (never done that before). I brought along the book Eat, Pray, Love. So far it seems pretty good- still hard to keep my mind of the divorce though.

When I finally did start to pack, things went a little worse emotionally yet again. I have a box of all the cards and letters that I have ever been given. For some reason, I decided to go through it and there were many letters and cards from my husband that proclaimed his love and what he liked about me. Many of them expressed how happy he was that he married his best friend. I've always cherished these notes and cards as he was a very romantic person and I gave him cards and left little notes for him as well but I don't know if he even remembers me giving him the notes/cards. Whenever he would go on a trip for his work, I would leave a note in his backpack or suitcase saying how I was counting down the days he came back yet he's told me that he never thought I was in the marriage. I'm still feeling guilty, trying to figure out where things went wrong.

Then, as I was packing, I found an orientation reception program for his MBA program. In the program there are quotes from previous MBA students and it talks about the importance of networking and getting to know your classmates as these will be your life long friends. Part of me wishes he would have shared this information with me before because I honestly didn't understand the importance of networking until now and maybe if I would have understood before, I would have been a little better during the first semester. Part of me is also jealous of these new life-long friends. I loved my grad program but it was small and not quite as intense and full of life as this one. I'm also a bit jealous because my husband was my best friend and I was his and now that is no longer true. At times, like when I briefly spoke with him today, it feels like I'm a nuissance and he just wants to get rid of me as fast as possible so he can get on with his new life. I usually am not a jealous person so I don't know why it bothers me so much. Well, actually, I do, it's because I miss being his best friend, I miss him talking to me, I miss listening to him and I miss him listening to me. He really did know me better than anyone else. I just wish I would be given the chance to go back and chage things or since that can't actually happen, that I would be given a 2nd chance at our marriage. One of hte cards that I read today was from my 22nd birthday. We've been together for over 8 years and I'm really devastated with what is happening. Sometimes, I wonder if he feels any pain at all with the divorce, I know he's hurt by my previous actions that I would have corrected had I known but I wonder if he ever thinks about changing his mind.

Lots of rambling today. I'm going to stop progrstinating and pack some more.

Commitment?

Again, today has been day of crying. I keep thinking one of these days the crying will stop. The books I've read, though, say it takes 2-5 years. Maybe it will help once I'm done packing.

Today, I started packing cards. One of the cards I read was from our first anniversary. The card was from one of Josh's mentors and part of it reads "you are so fortunate to have one another to lean on. Even though we only met a few months ago and I have only been in your company as a couple for a short time, I can see that you two have a very close and special relationship. Always keep that magic in your marriage and know that together you are stronger than being on your own." This really got to me for a couple reasons. One, a complaint that Josh has had is that every other couple he saw seemed happier than us. I guess I never really showed him how happy I was just to be with him. Though, I thought I did. He also said that when he told people he left me, no one was surprised. This shocked me as everyone I told was very surprised. Friends had always thought of us as the "perfect couple". I'm guessing but I do not know, that the people that weren't shocked were probably his new MBA friends. When I did meet them, I was depressed and I was shy. Not a great combination. I just wish he would have given me the chance for them to get to know the real me and I wish he would give me a chance. A lot of the books that I have read regarding separation and divorce, there seem to be a lot bigger issues than the reasonings Josh doesn't want to work on things. It also seems that most of the people in the book were given some time to work on things. The wife or husband would tell his/her spouse that he/she was unhappy and then they would work on things. Instead, I get a spouse who one day decides not to come home and I never get a "real" chance to work on things.

People keep telling me,that when he's done with grad school, he'll most likely come to regret his decision, or that maybe after the summer, he'll change his mind. I would love to believe this. He truly is an amazing man, he was a wonderful husband (minus the fact that he didn't communicate with me). He's intelligent, kind, caring, ambitious, talented, etc. These are all reasons why I feel even more guilt. After everything he has said, I don't feel like I was a good wife. Everything I do, I put one hundred per cent into and I did put 100 per cent into our relationship, but I didn't show it well. During grad school, I wouldn't get home until 10:00 at night and he'd have dinner made for me or he would cut some salami and cheese. He really was a great husband. He was extremely romantic and always caring. I really wish I would have shown my feelings and excitement much more. Other people, keep saying "you'll find someone again". The problem is I don't want anyone else. I made this commitment to him and I believe that in the eyes of the church that we are one. It wouldn't be fair to anyone either, because in my mind I would be comparing everyone to him. Even if I would try- I don't think I could do it, I would be too afraid of getting hurt again and too afraid of accidentally hurting the other person.

Josh agreed to see a Pastor with me before I sign any papers. I spoke with the Pastor today and the Pastor said "you've barely been married long enough to have problems". I truly agree- marriage is about communication and working on things. In one of the books I read, it says that most divorces happen before 7 years of being married because people just give up and don't work on things anymore. Josh has told me that he's not in love with me anymore but I honestly believe that if he would give us the chance to at least date again, he would see the person he fell in love with before.

I know I'll be in later because this is therapeutic for me, it gets me to not cry for a little while but for now it's off to bellydancing class I go.

More Guilt

"For Better, For Worse, through sickness, through health, til death do us part. I thee wed" What do these vows mean to the people that want out? Did they mean them when the words were actually spoken and pronounced in front of God and hundreds of people? This is a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. When I said those, vows, I really meant them. Apparently, these vows mean nothing to my husband. I've been hurt by everything that has been said and done but to me- this is what hurts the most. We professed our love to each other in front of God and made a union to become one as soul mates. He and I use to talk about what would happen after one of us would die and how in God's eyes we were intertwined as one. Now, it seems that it meant nothing to my husband. I've asked him to see a Pastor before I sign any divorce papers and he has agreed but he's made it quite known that he doesn't want to work on things because "the day he started grad school and met other extroverts is the day he stopped being "in" love with me" and he realized that there is probably a better match for him than me".

Ouch. I know I wasn't the most fun to be around, I admit that I had a really hard time adjusting once again, but if he would have said something before he actually decided to move out, I would have started working on things a lot sooner. Today, I'm feeling guilty for many reasons. One, I started reading the book "The Divorce Remedy". In the book it explains that the best way to get back a wife or husband that has left is to be happy every time you see him/her, not cry, not profess your love, not talk about happy memories, etc. By doing these things you just end up seeming more desperate and it pushes the person even farther away. Well, once again, I did the incorrect things. I was lucky, my husband would meet with me every few weeks to talk. But, each time we got together I was sad, I cried, I asked about the future, I did all of the "do nots". So yet again, I feel like I screwed things up. Maybe, if I would have read the book sooner, like the day he left, he would have seen "me" and been reminded of who he fell in love with.



Here's part of the list of what I've been told for his reasonings for not wanting to work on things and everything that I did that hurt him. I feel guilty for each one of these. Though, I've been told by many people that I should not feel guilty because how can you fix something when you have no idea it's broken. I honestly didn't know anything until after he left. He had bottled all of these feelings up for so long that one night he just snapped and it was during the marriage sessions and meeting on our own that I found out about these feelings. I'm still struggling with the idea that one can just give up on marriage and not give the person who had no idea what was happening a 2nd chance.



The list:



1. I didn't completely change my name:
I hyphenated my name because I didn't want to give my last name up but I also wanted to show the world who I married. My husband says that he never really thought that were the "Hackbarth's" since I didn't completley change my name. I always thought of us as the Hackbarth's even though my name was hyphenated. Now, he's making me change my name once again. Why do women have to be the ones to change their name and then when the husband leaves, they have to change it again. I don't want to change my name back. I made a union with my husband and don't want to give that up.

2. I never soldered my ring

3. I let him clean and cook so he felt like he was more in the relationship than I was.

I have to defend myself here. I did let him cook, whenever I would start something- he would say "let me do it", I would so "no, I can do it" and then he would say "I want to do it". According to these conversations, I thought that he really wanted to do these things. After he left, I find out he believes I was never in the relationship and that I'm dependent on him. If he ever would have said anything, I would have worked a lot harder to learn how to be a better cook. Whenever, I would clean- he would make fun of me because I would do what I called a "deep cleaning". Again, if he would have ever said anything- I would have worked on it before he moved out.

4. He felt that I was never in the relationship or truly loved him because I didn't jump up and down with excitement whenever he returned home from work trips.

It is true that I wasn't jumping up and down with excitement outwardly, but inwardly I couldn't wait to see him again, I would always put on clothes that I thought looked good/sexy. I never knew that this is how he felt until he left. Again, how was I suppose to fix something without knowing.

5. He felt that I was never truly happy just to be with him. This is for a variety of reasons, I had a hard time transitioning to CT, once I started grad school- I felt better, when we moved back to MN, I had a hard time once again. I had a hard time when we moved back because it took me a lot longer to get a job than I expected and then when I did, it was nothing like I thought it would be. I need to be busy and I need to be around people- this job had neither. I got sad and depressed and let it affect my life with him. He mentioned this in the argument the week before he left and I really started to work on this aspect but I never got the real chance to show him it was not true.

6. He said I'm a hard person to please. Again, this isn't true but looking at it from his perspective, I can see it. I don't show emotions well, whether it be excitement, joy, etc. Although, I was truly happy to be with him- he didn't see it and because he didn't see it, he felt I was never really into him and I just wanted to be with someone. Again this really hurt, I have a card from when we first started dating that says "I'm glad we picked each other" which I always thought was so true. If he really thought I just wanted to be with someone, I had plenty of people to pick from but I really loved him and wanted to be with him. He is the nicest, most genuine, thoughtful, caring, talented guy I know.

7. I never liked being with his family. Again, this is not true- yet I guess I didn't show it well. To me, I always considered myself closer to his family than my own. His mom understood my philosophy on education and reallly knew me, more than my own family ever could. His sister was always kind and nice and helpful. I loved going on family trips, I loved just going over for dinner. The week after he left, he told me part of the reason he hadn't seen his family a lot since we moved back to MN was because of me. He felt that I never wanted to go over there. I loved going over there. I'm sad about everything within the divorce, I'm sad that I'm losing my husband and best friend, and I'm sad that I'm losing my 2nd family.

8. Our marriage was never a marriage in the first place- it was just a best friendship. This really hurt because there were some things that I didn't do well or at all because of my past. This is the area that I will probably never be able to forgive myself.

9. I don't have goals or ambitions. Again, this one really hurt. My goals may not be the same as his, I don't want to climb up the corporate ladder, I don't understand business but my goal is to help people. I'm in the education field and I want to help those who want to go to college but don't know how to get to that point. The ambition really hurt, when I was really bored with my job and upset, I called a place where I use to coordinate volunteers and asked to volunteer, I applied for a 2nd job teaching because I wanted to help people and be more involved yet I don't have ambition.

10. I'm not spontaneous. This is true, but had I known before- I could have worked on this.

11. France

12. When we were first married, whenever he asked me to do something, I would ask if friends could come along. To him, it meant that I didn't want to be with him. Looking back, I see it was my insecurity because I thought the more he spent time with just me, the less he would like me.

13. I'm an introvert. I can't argue with this- but it is something that he knew since the day he met me. I've been working hard on this ever since he left- in hopes of showing that I can work on it. I joined a church group- the very first night, the figured out I was an introvert- not hard to tell when you don't talk much. I joined a shy person's group, I joined these things called meetups, I started belly dancing, I've tried just talking to people in stores, etc.

14. I'm no fun. My husband has changed a lot. He never went out partying before and apparently he does it a lot now, he's joined a band, he went to Vegas and Mexico for his spring break, this past week, just jumped in a car for a road trip with his newfound friends. I'm not a partier but I do like to go out. Last week, I went out dancing for the first time since my bachelorette party. My husband, fiance at the time, picked me and my friends up and he was really upset that I drank. I rarely drink and when I do, I have two at the most. I have been drunk twice in my life, once was at my bachelorette party. I've never seen my husband drunk but I do know that he's been drunk quite a bit since he left me. I had a lot of fun when I went out dancing but all I could do was wish that my husband was there so he could see me and see that I could have fun.

15. I'm dependent. He really thinks that now, that I've been sad- he thinks my happiness is dependent on him. I guess in a way that is true but it's because I miss him and want stay married and show him that I do love him and that I can change the things that he was upset about.

16. We're young, we need to live life. I'm 30 and he's 28. I don't feel young.

17. I was never in the marriage because I didn't talk about the future.
I thought we did talk about the future, we talked about living abroad after his MBA program, we talked about having kids while abroad, we talked about where our kids would go to school once we returned back to MN, we talked about our 5 year anniversary and how we would go to Hawaii for a vacation. We talked about many things but he seems to have erased this from his memory.

The other day, when we went through splitting up our items, I was a mess and crying. He told me that he didn't understand why I was so upset. I told thim that a lot of my hopes and dreams for the future had come crashing down and he said that I never talked about the future and he still doesn't believe that I was ever in the marriage or truly loved him.


I'm sad- as usual. I've been sad for 5 months. I don't know how to get happy. I just keep imagining him with girls and being all flirty and crazy and then I get sad and jealous which really stinks because typically I am a pretty happy go lucky person who is rarely jealous. I guess a divorce/separation can really do things to your mind and heart. Every book I've read says that for the people not wanting the divorce, it takes 2-5 years to get over. Josh told me in one of our counseling sessions that he is the happiest he's ever been because he doesn't have to worry about me any longer.

Honestly, I'm glad that he's happy. I'm sad that I can't be the one to make him happy. I wish he would realize that I always was in the relationship, always did love him, was always happy just being with him. I also wish that he would change his mind and want to work on our marriage instead of going forth with the divorce. I miss talking to him. He knew me more than anyone else in the world yet he believes that I never made an effort to get to know him. I could tell you about his hopes, dreams, goals, ambitions, likes, dislikes, insecurities, accomplishments. When we were in CT, my mom had come out for Thanksgiving and her and I went shopping at the grovery story. My mom wanted apple pie so that's what I bought. Now, 3 years later, Josh told me because I didn't buy Pumpkin pie that meant I didn't know him. I want to prove to him that I did know him and do know him, but how do I that when he wants nothing to do with me?

I guess my counselor was right, this is therapeutic. I think it's the first hour I haven't cried all day. I still feel guilty and still would do anything to work on my marriage but at least now I have an hour where I wasn't crying.

The past 5 months

This blog is about my my journey the past five months. It's a journal of my thoughts and feelings through a very difficult separation and now a divorce. As I am the one who would do anything to work on the marriage, I've been having a very difficult time and a friend recommended that maybe I start an on-line journal of my innermost thoughts. It is now May and since December, I haven't had one day without crying. Yesterday, I was served the divorce papers and have been an even more emotional wreck. So tonight, I'll be writing all of my feelings that have been bottled up for the past five months. It'll be long so if you do decide to read this for some reason, please bear with the length.

A Friday night in December 2006, my husband with no previous mention, decided not to come home. This was a painful night but I did not expect what happened next. Back story, the week before we had gotten into a pretty big fight- in my eyes- it was one of the first fights we had. Later- I find out in his eyes we had been fighting for four months straight. The fight came about because we had gone to a holiday party for his MBA program and I was a bit uncomfortable. I'm an introvert and get very nervous around large groups of people. The past few years, I had also worked in substance abuse prevention. At the first place, there wasn't a lot of food and I hadn't had too much to eat that day and there were free drinks. I'm not a big drinker and I had a bit too much too drink. After a while, the large group of students and significant others went down the road to another bar. Apparantly, I wasn't smiling at all and it seemed as though I wasn't having a good time. My husband had asked me to dance and I said no. There were two reasons for me saying no: we've been together 8 1/2 years and not once have I ever been able to get him to dance so I was tryingn to be nice and I had too much to drink and wasn't feeling very well. My husband became very irate and ordered a taxi home. A couple of his friends came with us in the cab and we dropped them off. We were all talking about a party she would be having the next week. I was very excited about this because I really did want to get to know my husband's new friends. I could tell that for some reason, my husband was quite upset- I ended up crying the entire way home.

The following evening, I started my first night of tutoring and was really excited to come home and tell my husband about it. When I left tutoring, I had a message on my phone that he would be going out that evening. I had called him back to see if I could come with and he said no. At the time, I was a little upset because in our 8 1/2 years together, we never went out like this. In CT, I could barely get him to have a drink while at a Karoake bar. He came home a little after midnight and I couldn't sleep very well because he smelled like oranges (why he smelled like oranges, I have no idea) and he was snoring which he never did. Because of those 2 things, I ended up sleeping in the other room which is now something I greatly regret. That same night a friend of mine who use to live in MN had called because she wanted to know the laws on divorce in MN and she didn't want her husband to see. So, being a good friend, I looked up the information on our home computer. Never thinking anything of it. The following day, my husband had off from classes. During the day, I usually got a couple phone calls or e-mails from him while I was at work. I'm not a fan of my job and those phone calls or e-mails were the highlights of my day. That day, I didn't get any so I decided to e-mail him and his e-mails back were very short. On my home from work, I called him as usual and he asked if I was planning on coming home. I said of course, after I check on our friends cat. He then told me that when he turned the computer on he saw the page on divorce. I explained to him what had happened and he said good, that explains things. He had checked my phone records and I was talking to the person who I had looked up the information for. When I get home, the house was spotless- he had called his sister to see if he could come live there for awhile and he wanted to leave a clean house.

At that time, we talked about what was going on between us. Again- back story- before his MBA program- my husband never ever went out to the bars or clubbing or anything like that, he barely drank yet I always thought we were having fun. He told me that I really hurt him at the holiday party and his one friend (a girl who I was jealous of because he was always talking about her- this is yet another story, it's the first time I had ever been jealous) thought I hated her because I wasn't talking to her. I don't remember her talking to me but I have a really hard time hearing things at a bar/club. He also said that he had worked his a** off for five years and wanted to have some fun. He told me that he was upset with himself that he was so uptight in college and that he now liked to go out. He also told me that he really wanted his friends to get to know the real me because they had only seen the depressed me. ( Sidenote- at this time I had started a new job and was very unhappy- I am an introvert but I like to be around people- and in this position I work completely by myself. Unfortunately, I let my unhappiness with my work leak into my personal life. ) I told him that I really don't mind if he goes out, I just want to know what time he'll be home. I also asked him if I could come out with him as well and if he could set up a bowling night or something like that so his friends could get to know the real me. At the time, he said that if he would have known that I didn't mind going out- we could have had a lot more fun in NYC. This hurt me quite a bit because I always had fun just because I was with him. After the conversation, we both said things that we would work on. I was really forward to his friends holiday party and getting to know his friends a little bit better.

Fast forward 3 days. It is now Friday and we had made plans to go to the casino with a friend. Previously, I had asked my husband if he would be going out to celebrate as it was the last day of his classes and case competition. Originally, he had said no. I talked to him very briefly during that day and he said that he was really tired and would be coming home. I asked him if he wanted me to not go to the casino with our friend and if I should just come home. He told me no, he would just go home and sleep. I went with my friend to the casino for awhile and asked him if we could leave early because I wanted to spend sometime with my husband. On the way home, I received a message from my husband saying that the class decided to go out and celebrate and that he knew I wanted to know when he would be home and that he would call me at 11:30. I have no problem with this yet 11:30 comes and no call, 12:00 comes and no call. By this time, I'm getting a little worried because it's the first time he's actually gone out. I try calling his phone and it's off, I keep trying and then I get hung up on a few times. Finally, around 1:30, someone answers his phone and it's a girl. I ask for my husband and the girl tells me that my husband isn't there. I call again and the person that answers the phone says that someone just turned the phone in and they don't know whose it is. About 10 minutes later, I get a text message saying "I'm staying at this person's house". I'm really worried at this point as he has never done this before. I call his phone and still no answer. So, I use what I know and look up the phone number of the friend that he said we would be staying at his house. His friend answers his phone and tells me that my husband is not with him but gives me the phone number of a girl my husband is with. I call and the girl answers, tells my husband who it is and then I'm hung up on. I call again and finally get a hold of my husband. I ask him if he wants me to pick him up and all he says is "no, I'm a horrible person". I ask if he did something with a girl and he says "no, that's the alcohol talking, but I'm a horrible, horrible person". It's now about 3:00 in the morning and I have to work at my 2nd job at 10:00. I have no idea what he meant by he's a horrible person. I keep calling, I text him saying I apologize if I did anything wrong. At six a.m., I get a text message that says "we need to talk, I'll stop by the house after my sisters". I try calling him again but no answer. I'm a wreck at this point so I call my mom and my mom tells me to call his sister so I did. I was balling at this point and the only thing I told his sister was that I was worried about my husband and he never came home. She became worried as well because my husband had never acted this way. She then told me about a time that her husband did this when they were first married and her father went out looking for her husband and brought him home when he found him. I asked her not to tell his mother because I didn't want to get her involved as well.

It's finally time to go to work and all i want to do is call in sick. It's only my 2nd day there and I've never called in sick to any job. I tried to teach to the best of my ability but it was quite hard. After I left my job, I had a message on the phone from my husband that said "I guess I have some apologies to make, I'll be at the house at 2:30 and we need to talk".

When he comes home, he tells me that he needs time to think and he's not sure what happened- he just snapped and didn't want to come home. He's going to spend some time at his parents for a few days. He was suppose to go on a trip in a few days that I had said that I had asked him not to go on because this girl that I was jealous of was going. In prior conversations, we had agreed that he would go but he would just go up for the day and then come back down at night. He told me wasn't going. He grabs a few things and leaves. I'm a mess, I don't know what happened. Later that day, his mother calls me and apologizes that I have to go through this and says something to the tune that I could have expected it because every time he talked to her, he would tell her that I was always upset with him. This couldn't be farther than the truth, there were two times I was upset. One was when he made the plans to go on the trip without asking me, another one was him going on a pub crawl (in retrospect, I shouldn't have been upset, but I was). Since that day, I have lost 31 pounds and I am small to begin with, have blamed myself quite a bit and have been very unhealthy. I tried to go to work that Monday but had to take my first sick day ever because I couldn't stop crying. I can't remember why, but for some reason I called his mother and she told me that my husband went on the trip. I said, oh he told me he was going to the casino. She said, no he went on the trip up north, I then told her the reason I didn't want him to go and she understood. When you are married, you just don't go on a trip with a bunch of single guys and girls. She ended up calling my husband and he called and told me it was just the guys.

He was up North for a few days and when he came home we went to see a marriage counselor. At this marriage counselor, I found out a bunch of things that had been piling up inside of my husband for 8 years. At tht time we saw this marriage counselor, we had been married for 3 1/2 years and we had dated for 4 1/2 years before that. I found out every thing I had ever done wrong in the marriage and I still feel a little of guilt. He started out by saying it all started in college when he went to France. Again another back story is needed. I come from a family with not a lot of money. In college, I was a community advisor, worked the admissions office, information booth in the student center and many other things to pay for school. I took out student loans to give money to my parents so they could pay bills. I really wanted to study abroad since I was a Spanish and Elementary Ed major but I didn't believe I could afford it. I'm a first generation college student and did know about scholarships and I didn't think I could take out any more money to study abroad so I didn't. I am two years older than my husband. At that time, I had to turn in my preferences for student teaching and I wanted to student teach in the cities but my boyfriend wanted me to be close to him so I decided to put preferences near the school we were attending instead. Well, about a month before my student teaching, my boyfriend informs me and his family that he has decided to study abroad in France that semester. I should have been really happy for him but I was upset. Not at him, but at the fact that I decided to stay down there for him and I was upset that he could study abroad when he had never once thought about it. He use to get so mad when people couldn't speak English here and he would say some cruel things. So, in my own crazy mind, I was a little upset. We spent a lot of money on phone calls and had quite a few arguments.

During our counseling session, I find out how much the time in France hurt him and how he had no fun because of me. I also find out that he decided not to have fun his senior of college since he didn't think I had fun since he was in France. I did have fun my senior year of college, it was difficult because I was student teaching and I did miss him but I had fun in my own way. Another thing about us, is he is a complete extrovert and I am an introvert. Our counselor started comparing us to Peter Pan and Wendy and then said some pretty nasty things to my husband so we decided to try a different counselor.

The next counselor is where I found out what a lousy wife I was and I haven't been able to stop feeling guilty. If you knew me, you would know that I would never want to hurt anyone or anything and I feel awful that I unintentionally hurt my husband. During these four sessions, yes we only went to four- not my choice, I found out many things that had I known earlier, I would have worked on them much sooner and maybe we wouldn't be at this point. I found out that my husband believed that I was never in the marriage and never truly loved him which is not true at all. I found out that I devastated him the day he proposed. I had the most romantic proposal that anyone could ever ask for. It's a long story but the quick version is that he had coarsed a friend to get me to take some time off of work to visit a friend. This was in February and I was a teacher and it was my first year teaching in the district. I am a workaholic and a close perfectionist so it was really difficult for me to even take the days off. The day we were suppose to leave (Valentine's Day), I was suprised with 2 tickets to Paris. I was really excited because we were planning a trip to France for the summer, he then told me to look at the dates and I noticed the dates were the 14th-the following Wednesday. Uh oh, I had only taken Thursday and Friday off and parent teacher conferences were the following Tuesday and Wednesday. Now, if you don't know teaching- you really can't just take days off- especially in your first year of teaching in a district- and you really can't miss classes. I let him know that I really wanted to go but I would have to come back early and that I would pay for the difference in flight. He kept asking if anything would change my mind and I kept saying no. He then said, I'll be right back. He came back out and said "not even this", he got down on his knees and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes but I also said "I still need to be back early". I never knew this hurt him- 5 years later, I find out I devastated him. I really would never want to hurt anyone- especially him because I always have loved him and always will. We had a wonderful time our trip, I paid for tickets to come back early and we started planning our wedding. I thought all was well.

At this counseling session, I find out another reason he thinks I was never in love with him or in the marriage is because I hyphenated my last name instead of completely changing it. To me my last name is part of my identity and I was combing mine and his. Ironically, the week before he left, I had gone to find out how to completely change my name because he had finally told me how much it hurt him so I wanted to give that to him for Christmas. Again, not completely changing my last name was not intended to hurt him. Another reason, he said I wasn't into the marriage was because I never soldered my engagement ring and wedding ring together. The reason I never soldered them together is because I didn't want to take them off. I never took the rings off. So, now- I'm sitting in this counseling session finding out all of these things that I wish I would have known a lot sooner.

In another session, I find out that he believes that just being with him was not enough for me. Again, this couldn't be further from the truth. What happened here is that I had applied to grad schools and he was going to be able to telecommute. I was accepted into a great program at Arizona State University. Well, instead- he gets a great opportunity to be a sales person for the company he was with. He had to go through an intense training and then we would be placed somewhere in the U.S. However, we were promised that he could choose west of the Mississippi or east of the Mississippi. I said I would go anywhere but the East Coast. Again, ironically we end up getting placed in Connecticut. I was really upset by this. But, we make the move. Connecticut isn't exactly the most friendly place in the world and I had a very difficult time adjusting to Connecticut. I was upset that I postponed a year of grad school because I was starting to feel old, I was upset that i couldn't find a job. I didn't start to feel good about CT until I started grad school. Because of this, my husband thought that he was never enough for me.

All of these things plus more that I will write about later are reasons I have been feeling guilty. I love my husband with all of my heart, always have, and always will. It pains me to know that I hurt him so much while we were married. I received the divorce papers yesterday and we spoke a little bit today because I told him I didn't want to change my name back and he said "why is it important to you now" and I informed him that it always was important to me which is why I hyphenated it in the first place. But for some strange reason, he doesn't quite believe me. I hope and pray that some day, he'll see that I always did love him. Even though I do have the papers now, I still hope and pray that somehow we could work on our marriage instead but he has told me numerous times that he doesn't want to be in a marriage that needs to be worked on- in his words "a marriage should just be". I don't agree and I have been working on many of his other complaints for the past five months in hopes of getting back to gether but I may never have the chance to show him.

It's getting late and I need to try to sleep, at least i've been able to stop crying for an hour.