Since December I've had the opportunity to really do some soul searching but I really haven't figured anything out yet. Today, I picked up the book Mid-life Crisis at 30. Two successful woman in their early thirties came about a time where they both began wondering if it is possible to have it all. I chose to pick this book up because I've been contemplating the age old question "What do I want to do with my life?" and because unfortunately I was having a hard time with the divorce again today.
The book interviews 200 college educated women between the ages of 25 and 37. The only drawback for me is that most of these women had successful careers and were now wondering if it is possible to have a successful career and a family at the same time. Some had walked away from weddings, others had been working so much that they put there personal life behind them. For me, none of these really resonate, I don't have a successful career and right now I'm not even near thinking about a family any more as mine has dissipated. I have my Master's in Counseling but I really don't have a clue what I want to do. All I know is that I don't want to do what I'm doing now and I also know my current job was an instrument in the breakdown of my marriage as I was extremely depressed after starting the position due to the isolation and lack of social involvement.
When thinking about careers I know I want to be successful but success can be defined in a variety of ways. My definition of success has changed over the years, at first it was being able to influence children in a positive way. I never cared about money because I was pretty frugal. After living with Josh the past four years and picking up some of his spending habits, I do need to start thinking more about money because I have a lot of bills to pay and would like to be able to go on vacations, have stocks, have a retirement plan etc. Now my definition of success includes being able to be a leader and a role model (not done in my current job), having social interaction, taking home a decent income, and advising/influencing others. I've thought a lot about how to make a career switch but I don't want to be seen as a job hopper. At the same time, why stay somewhere that one is completely unhappy? I've thought about going back to school for my MBA (I'd like to learn a little about business, one of my previous thoughts was to be a director of a learning center but I don't quite have the business background), law school, or my PhD for education. All quite different which means I should definitely stay away from that for now. I've thought about trying to switch over to HR in a corporation but without the business background, I don't know if that is possible. Then I also start thinking about teaching again. When I was student teaching, both of my supervisors told me that they hoped I would never get burned out because I was one of the "gifted" teachers meaning that they thought I was meant to be a teacher. I put in a lot of time preparing lessons, etc but not nearly as much time as the other student teachers, I had a good re pore with the students and staff. When I was teaching, my principals told me the same thing. When I told my principals that I was leaving and moving also told me that they hoped I would never leave the profession. Maybe that's a sign I should go back. But, I haven't kept in contact with them so I have no idea how I would get a teaching reference. I know have options and that's the scary thing for me. What I ideally would love is to be a professional student where I could get involved with all of the organizations and be a leader within the student community. However, one needs a career so that probably wouldn't be good and I just graduated with my Master's a little over a year ago.
Another reason I would like to go back to school is to be able to decide something on my own and have my own accomplishment. Before Josh and I moved to Connecticut, I had been accepted to another school that I was pretty excited about moving to and then Josh had this great opportunity so I put my stuff on hold. Josh is the one that found the school in Connecticut (after we had been there for a while) to try and help get me out of my depression and out of my "I hate Connecticut" stage. I did enjoy my grad school but it wasn't the typical grad school experience and that also led to the breakdown of my marriage because Josh felt that school was my number one priority, he just never told me how he felt until after he left. He really was my number one priority but looking back I can see how he felt that way, I had 2 jobs, an internship, and classes at night. I was rarely home but I was trying to contribute something to our family income. The e-mail that I recently got from him still tears me a part inside when I think about what it says "I seriously tried to be a good husband, I cooked and cleaned, I supported you financially, I never blinked at the grad school bills, I was patient with your family"...etc. It makes me feel like I was a horrible wife but our deal was that while I was in grad school he would do the cooking and cleaning (I did the "major" cleaning) and then when he was in grad school I would do the cooking and cleaning. However, every time I would start to cook, Josh would stop me and say "let me do it", I would say "no, I can do it" and then he would say "No, I want to do it". So instead of arguing, I would let him do it. This was another piece of our "irretrievable breakdown of marriage" as he saw it as I was not contributing to the marriage. It really sucks to know that all of these things that he said made him so unhappy were all things that I could have easily worked on had he given me a chance by telling me what he was feeling instead of "snapping" one night and then telling me these things in counseling sessions after he had already moved out.
The reason I've had a hard time with the divorce today is because there always seems to be something little that reminds me of him and then I start thinking about how unhappy he said he was and how happy he is now and then I wonder if he'll end up marrying the girl he's now with. The reason I say that is because when we moved back to Minnesota, our neighbor had just graduated from the same program and he talked about how so many people end up getting married from the program because it is so intense and social (I don't think it caused a lot of divorces, though). I remember briefly thinking for just a moment, "I hope Josh doesn't find anyone else". I only thought that for a moment because I knew Josh and I knew he wouldn't do that. Apparently, I guess I didn't know him well enough. The small thing that made me start thinking about him more today was that I lost my storage keys and it's been so hot and humid here I wanted to check on the paintings that we had bought in Newport to see if they were damaged. Now losing things is not uncommon for me and Josh was always there to help calm me down and he would be able to find it in an instant. I still haven't found my keys. Another thing that reminded me of him was that I went suit shopping. He always had a good eye for clothes and could help me pick out articles of clothing that looked good on me.
The last thing that made me think about him was church. I go to church every Sunday and it is the church where we got married. Typically, I don't have quite as hard of time as I did today but I spent the entire service crying. There was a baptismal service which made me think of his niece and nephew who I miss dearly which then made me think of his mom and sister who I deeply miss our conversations. I miss speaking with his mom and talking about careers because she really understood me unlike my family. Her birthday is this month and I’m trying to decide if it would be all right to send her a birthday card and a thank you note because she really was a good mother-in-law, I’ve heard quite a few horror stories and though she was a little invasive, she always cared. When Josh first left, she could have easily just forgotten about me and pretended that I was never in the family. Instead, she would call and check up on me, take me to the casino, talk with me about my options and was really kind. I want to send her a thank you not for being a good mother-in-law but that might be a little awkward for her.
Also, while at church I just kept thinking of our wedding day. People would say that we both seemed very much in love yet Josh has said that he has felt that we were never as happy as other couples (meaning that I was hard to please). Now, at times I wonder if that was code for "he was unhappy". Even though, he'll just keep saying that I am hard to please. Anyone that knows me knows that is far from the truth, I'm pretty easy to please and very easily entertained. I just don’t know what to think anymore. All I know is that somehow I need to start healing but I don’t quite know how. I don’t know if finding a new job will start to help, if moving out of the state would help or if that would just make me lonely. I just need to find a way to stop thinking about him and his new life that he has now developed.
Suggestions welcome, as long as it has nothing to do with dating because I’m tired of people saying that’s how to get on with life. I’m still heart broken and in no shape to be dating, it wouldn’t be fair to another person to “pretend”. Also, input on whether or not it is appropriate to send the birthday card and thank you letter to his mom welcome.
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