roller coaster of emotions

After seven months, one would think that it would start to hurt just a tiny bit less. The books I now read on coping/handling divorce don't really pertain me, it has to do with kids, trying to reconcile, talking about the difficult task of one person moving out after the decision to divorce has been made. Hmmm, I never got this- all I got was a frickin text message that says "I'm staying at _______". I still haven't sent the letter because as a friend explained to me, whatever I send now he can forward to the his lawyer. Which, previously I would have thought that he wouldn't do such a thing but after the e-mail I sent last week that just explained the small things I'm asking to be changed in the draft- I spoke with his lawyer and they explained to me that he forwarded my e-mail on to them since he wants to get it done as quick as possible. I still want to send the letter because I want him to know/realize how much pain he's caused. Who leaves there wife without ever saying anything, never gives her a chance to try and improve, goes on vacations to vegas, puerto vallarta, lutsen, up north, colorado and who knows where else. Who tells the wife over and over again that it's not because of someone else but during the first month after he leaves- calls a girl, who is not his wife, over 100 times and each conversation is for a 1/2 hour or longer, who claims it is not because of someone else yet he starts dating only a few weeks after filing the papers, lies to a pastor and the wife. Then after sending a nasty e-mail and a response from his wife saying "I'm sorry, all you h had to say was "this bother's me, can you do this differently". the man sends a reply that states he didn't make his e-mail to come on to strong, doesn't understand why I'm struggling with finances (maybe because I paid for all of the bills that we got together and based on your salary, paid for the taxes on the cat swap, etc. And then in that e-mail says "it isn't because of someone else, I went on a "date" long after I made my decision and who knows what will happen in the future".

I still don't understand- I met with my counselor last night and she has a couple theories- who knows- maybe one is true. Her first theory is that even though Josh claims that I was never in the marriage- he would be the one that was never in the marriage since he was able to come to such a quick decision and move on so quickly. She also thinks that he was never attached to myself, our dog, cats, and friends. I could see this because he has cut out pretty much his whole life.

My counselor also thinks that I'm being too nice in the divorce settlement. Well I can't afford a lawyer and even though Josh was the breadwinner in the family and will make in 3 months more than what I could make in 10 months. She thinks that I should try for spousal maintanence but the person who has been giving me advice says that it probably would be good. What I do plan to ask for is to take out waiving the spousal maintance. I don't know if I'll get it or if they will be willing to do something since this is not Central's ramp? Ah, I'm in the holiday inn ramp.

I have to get to bed- my mind is spinning and nervous about tomorrow.