No more tears please!

I thought I had done pretty well this weekend. I had only cried for a little amount of time this weekend, that is until this morning. For some unknown reason, every Sunday when I am on my way to church I spend the entire car ride crying and thinking about Josh. I feel guilty for the things that he said I did to hurt him, then I get mad for feeling guilty since I had no idea what I was doing was hurting him, then I get mad for how this all happened. It's the same every Sunday. On Saturday evening I was actually looking forward to church because it was the annual church picnic at the bandshell. Every summer, the churches from around the lake community host a Sunday at the the bandshell at one of the lakes. It is nice because every Sunday people can bike, walk, jog, bring their dogs and worship at the lake. This is the only time I've gone since the church I attend was leading it and I really like the sermons. After today, I've been thinking maybe it would be good to go to the other services as well so then I could save some gas money by bringing Dora and not having to drive 35 minutes back to get her and then to come back into the city to walk around the lakes. The reason I was excited to go to church today was because I thought since it would be outside and a different environment and not in the church where we got married that for once I would not cry on my way to church and in the service. On my way to church, I was a complete basketcase. Once I arrived and walked to the bandshell I was able to wipe away the tears. Well, until later in the afternoon.

A friend of mine had invited me to see Shakespeare in the Park this afternoon on the roof of one of the Pubs downtown. I was really excited to go because it was free and I had heard the play was suppose to be hilarious. It's the compeat works of Shakespeare the abridged version. The three actors perform all 37 plays in 97 minutes. My friend told me she was bringing another friend. Cool, I get nervous around new people but I do enjoy meeting new people. Well, as we were talking it comes out that the other girl is an intern at my friends work. She was talking about her classmates so I asked where she was going and what she was studying. Turns out she is one of Josh's classmates and was on the Brand Enterprise team he was on 2nd semester. Also, turned out that her and I had met at a charity auction the school put on. It was quite awkward though to hear about how great Josh is, how he's the life of the party, and such a great addition to CSOM. I tried to play it cool but I don't think it worked very well. I was hearing about all of these events where I would have loved to be able to attend, I was hearing about other things that would have been nice to hear from Josh. While talking to her, I really started to miss Josh. I do wonder if he ever does think about me in a positive way and I hope he does but with all of his anger towards me I just don't know if does. I miss him because he was truly my best friend and he said I was his and now he doesn't even talk to me. I still don't understand the whole situation and probably never will.
So I tried to be as cordial as possible and tried to put on the happy face once again, until.....

I drive home to pick up my dad because were were suppose to go out together as he has been hounding me for not being at home and not asking him to go with me when I go out. So tonight, we had made plans to go to this cool motor lounge that I thought he would enjoy. It was getting close to the time he was to be home and I get a phone call from my sister who happened to be in the truck with my father and now we are no longer going. I'm fine with this because now I am also worried about my sister because of what happened. My dad had to drive a little over an hour to pick my sister up at her house since her and her fiance only have one vehicle. Well, it turns out that my suspicions of some things regarding my sister's relationship were unfortunately true. Now I know my suspicions are true, i am very worried about my sister and I don't quite know how to help. I also really wanted to call Josh because these are the things I would talk to him about and he would be candid and now I can't even talk to him because we no longer have even a friendship. I guess this is what hurts the most is how he use to talk about how happy he was to be married to his best friend and than he could just dispose of me as if I was nothing. At times, I do wonder if he ever thinks of me in a positive light but I'm guessing probably not since he has so much pent up anger towards me. I don't know maybe one day I'll see this was all for the best, who knows what lies ahead. Hopefully this has and will make me stronger and hopefully one day I won't hurt anymore. Just have to keep going day by day, I guess.