Family reunion & anger

Yesterday I went to a family reunion. It is not fun having to explain why Josh isn't with me. Every one was very nice but I felt bad because everyone else felt bad for asking. For a couple people, the last time I saw them was at my wedding. One in particular came up and gave me a great big bear hug and asked how married life was. I wasn't quite sure how to respond so I just said "not good" and he responded with "how come" and then my response was "Got a divorce". Probably not the best way to answer his question but I was so tired of being asked about why he wasn't there and when we would be moving again. I felt like a complete failure. Everyone in the family has been married for a long time and people don't get divorces because when one makes wedding vows, it is for life, no matter what it should be worked on (unless abuse is involved). I guess that's where I get my belief in the sanctity of marriage which makes it even more difficult for me. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason but I still get sad knowing I couldn't "save" my marriage. I was on the verge of crying the whole day but it through with out crying until I got home.

Today, I want to knock down the next person who tells me to "just get over it because it's over and done with". Especially coming from a couple of men who are in their thirties and haven't even dated. Well, one has dated and his relationship lasted 3 months. Once you've had a husband/wife leave you without any warning and then not give you any chance to work on things and you are able to "just get over it". Then, come talk to me. Otherwise, don't tell me to start dating and definitely don't tell me to "just get over it". You are just making me like men in general even less. Don't tell me that I don't want to heal and that you can't understand why someone wouldn't want to start dating right away. Have you seen me? Would it be right to date someone when my heart isn't even it and when all I would be doing is comparing the person to Josh? Would it be fair to me to rush myself and put myself in the spot for a rebound relationship when those are known to by awful. I don't think so. Once you go to school and have your psychology degree, then you can explain to me why it's wrong that studies, counselors, pastors, say that the average amount of time to heal from a divorce is three years, that a rebound relationship has a 5 per cent chance of lasting, and why people say divorce can feel worse than a death of a spouse. Once you can truly and knowledgeably dispute those factors, then I will listen to you but as of now, it's just making me even more angry. After you've spent nine years with someone and have given them your heart and soul, planned the future, planned kids, have become a part of his/her family and then lost it all because you weren't a "good" wife or husband and you are able to "get over it", then you can tell me to get over it.

I'm really tired of people telling me to get over it. The divorce still isn't finalized. I still do miss Josh, I still do wish I could go back in time to change things. I still wish I could turn off the on/off switch for emotions. I know I can't do those things and I am trying to do better, it's just that with the events of the past couple weeks and the year anniversary of moving back, it makes me miss Josh even more and then it makes me angry knowing that he's with someone else.