Surprise!

This weekend has been full of distractions. My goal was to sit and really try to figure life out. I look up to those people that know what his/her purpose in life is. I didn't get a chance to sit down and take a look at my life this weekend which I really need to start because if I do decide to go back to school, I need to sign up for the test, start the application process and get my information out there. People may think I am crazy, but I really do enjoy school. Too bad you can't get paid to be a professional student. A few weeks ago I took another career interest test, one that goes quite in depth and compares your answers with the 25th-75th percentile of people who truly enjoy his/her profession. My highest match was in law. This surprised me a bit because I don't really have the personality of a lawyer. Yet, I was talking with my counselor and he pointed out that most people when they think of a lawyer think of trial lawyers and there are so many other types of lawyers. My answers probably matched up so well in the non-profit arena. When I was younger, I did think about going to law school but decided against it because of the reasons stated above.

My list of possibilities now include: MBA, PhD (education, ESL), Teach Abroad or just keep doing what I am where I really am not happy. My mind keeps heading towards the MBA, probably for not the best reasons. I've always been involved in education and have made very little money. Before the marriage and the whole divorce, I never cared that I wouldn't make that much money. Now, that I still have some debt from the marriage and am trying to get back on my feet, I'm finding it very difficult to live on my salary. I thought I was being maybe a little pessimistic but in some talks with other people in my salary range at work, it was brought up that these people didn't understand how a single person could live on this salary. So, hence I've been thinking about the MBA because I would be able to utilize some of my other skills and would most likely be able to to make a little bit more money. On my current salary, I would not be able to own a house, get a newer car, go on random vacations, etc. Now, that it's just me these are things that I need to think about. This week is a little busy for me, but Thursday evening I plan on signing up for the classes, looking at schools and applying, most have November or December 1st deadlines for priority scholarship applications and I'd like to shoot for those. At the same time, I do wonder- am I too old to go back for my MBA without any business experience? I know there are a lot of career changers and such but I feel like I'm 30 and should have had things established by now. I went off on a different track for a while and now need to get back on the horse, and I guess I shouldn't worry about what other people would think- I just need to figure out what is best for me.

On the Josh front, I got a surprise e-mail from him yesterday. It's kind of ironic- for my church group we had to do an exercise where we talk to or write to someone who we've hurt (to ask for forgiveness), has hurt us (to forgive), and who to thank. Last week, I wrote a letter to Josh thanking him for what he taught me, asking for forgiveness for hurting him (unintentionally) and saying that even though I was (am) very hurt, shocked, and devastated by the whole experience that I did forgive him. I never sent it and planned on sending it on Friday (which I did). Yesterday, I got a n e-mail from Josh saying that he finally had a day free and was at his desk and realized he never sent out the DVD's with all of the files and pictures. He was going to send it this weekend and wanted to let me know there was a letter in there, too. He stated that his counselor said he should write it for him, and for me. In the e-mail he said that he still thinks about that night (when he decided not to come home and informed me through a text message) and that he was very sorry about how it happened, very sorry. Yet, he still believed that we are both in a better place (or will be) because of his choice.

It was a good e-mail, it's all I've really wanted lately, just an apology- he can't help how he felt but it's nice to know that he does realize there were better ways to handle his feelings. I'm nervous to get the letter as I know I will be a basket case again (yesterday, I cried all day after reading the our marriage). In his e-mail he asked me not to respond and I really wanted to respect his wishes, but I also wanted him to know that I had sent out the letter for my church group. I wanted him to know he didn't need to read it if he didn't want to but I wanted him to inform him the letter was coming (more for me, even though I know what he thinks should not matter anymore- I still wanted him to know it wasn't in response to his e-mail). The apology, though quick and just one sentence- it really meant a lot to me and maybe it will help me not feel as if the breakdown of the marriage was entirely my fault. I'm sure when I do get the letter, I will be on here rambling away, again.