The book

Dang, this book has a lot of good ideas. Now, the challenge is making sure to follow through on some of the suggestions. My goal is to read the book through once and then complete the questions at the end of each chapter. I'm not going through the questions now as I need to concentrate on studying but lots of good advice has been given throughout the chapters. The chapters I read tonight were on Anger, Letting Go, and Self-Worth- all areas I need a lot of work on. Quite bit stuck with me tonight, one in particular talked about making sure not to "run away" and that many people going through a divorce decide to take a new job and move to a new community to get a way from it all and to lesson the chance of running into the ex. The authors say it's okay to do this if you are doing something for yourself in terms of advancement (career or mentally). I do want to get away, but more because I haven't liked my job since I started and I want to do something that I will enjoy while still making a difference. This weekend, I decided I'm not going to do any of my original plans and am going to work on studying for my quiz, sending applications out and to sit and really think about what it is I want to do, whether it be go back to school (if I was a millionaire, I would be a professional student), teach abroad (I've always wanted to live abroad), of find another type of job. I've been saying for months that I want to figure it out and I need to just stop keeping myself so busy and get to actually doing some work to figure it out.

While reading the book, I've realized that I'm still having a difficult time with it because I haven't expressed a lot of the anger that I felt. I've always been one to keep things inside me. I've been angry and have showed it through this blog but that's pretty much it. The authors of the book, and from others I've read as well, say that the more one keeps anger in the harder it is for he/she to get through a situation such as this and it then takes a longer time to actually heal. It's difficult because at times I think I've forgiven Josh for his actions, but I still quite a bit hurt and mad at myself for not being what I would call a better wife, in his eyes. I need to find a way to express some of this anger so I can move on to the "Letting Go" stage and truly get back to myself. I know it's a long journey and that the time frame is different for each person, but I do miss my old self and need to get that motivation of figuring out my life back.

Another exercise that I think I'm going to try sometime (probably whenever it is that I move into a new place), is implosive grieving which is recommended under the Letting Go section. In this activity, you bring photos, mementos, pictures, a collection of times that remind you of the past love relationship and put it in a box. Then, set aside some time to go through the items and grieve as heavily and hard as possible, as moving more rapidly(having a good friend around is probably a good idea so the person doesn't have to work through it alone). This intensive grieving process is suppose to "hopefully" help shorten the grieving time (and we all know this is something I could use!). So, once I do figure things out, I'll probably try this exercise. It would be nice to be able to finally look back on the marriage and not feel guilty, not feel sad, not feel like "what the heck just happened", not wonder if he's seeing anyone, not wonder if he completely hates me or just the previous relationship, etc. If this has been shown to help people heal faster, I'm all for it!

On another note, Josh still hasn't sent me the files from the computer that he was suppose to send in June. It's now September and since I am thinking of going to grad school, I really would like my files with my application essays, homework, etc. I asked him a few weeks ago after he contacted me about some other things and he said he burned everything onto CD and was going to send it. I'm trying to decide if I send him another e-mail asking if it's still possible to get the CD's and if so, when?

It's late again and I need to study. Accounting, here I come!