New people

Funny how life has ways to throw you into unexpected circumstances. Over the past few days, I've been attending quite a few activities through one of the groups where I am an active member. The activity I attended Thursday had around 80 people show up, I'm easily nervous and this made it quite overwhelming and of course, I wasn't able to talk with everyone. However, I did get a chance to get to know a couple other people a little better. We all ended up talking because we had recently gone through a divorce. It seems to be a theme in this group as people, like myself, are trying to start anew and need or want to make more friends. I'm lucky as I didn't have to do quite as much of a friend adjustment as others (just that most live far away :(). It's nice to be able to talk with these people and here various perspectives. These people don't know Josh and therefore and putting him down which is also a positive aspect. It's also nice to hear that I'm not the only one that still cries over something that won't or can't be fixed, that still wishes things could have worked out differently, over hopes and dreams that came crashing down. Hearing other's talk about their experiences helps me realize that I really am not alone and am not crazy for these feelings (a little nutty, maybe :).

These conversations came to me at the perfect time. This past week has not been a great one. Even more unexpected divorce items came up, money issues related to the divorce, old townhouse issues, and family issues. For once, when I received an e-mail from Josh stating some of the disappointing divorce items-I didn't cry. I received the e-mail at work so once I hit my car afterwards, I was a ball of tears yet again. Even though, someday I do want kids I am so grateful that we didn't have any. I couldn't imagine how challenging a divorce would be when children are involved and how much more emotionally difficult it would make the experience.

Even though, the past few days had quite a few highlights, today I am quite nervous. I'll be heading down to a wedding in a few minutes. This will be the first wedding I will have attended as a "single" person. The "single" part isn't what I'm afraid of, I'm more afraid of how I will react during the ceremony. I am so happy for the friend that is getting married, he's waited a long time and has found the "one" for him. Yet, I know that memories of my wedding will be popping into my head and most likely the feelings of failure will rise up again. I'm hoping I can keep my composure but we shall see. Also, I don't know anyone at the wedding- which could be a good thing, I guess. But, it always makes it interesting finding a place to sit for the dinner. I'm hoping they have assigned tables but I'm guessing they won't. I was raising some of my concerns to the people I met (and the ones that have known me for the past few months) and many were saying that I was strong for even going as it took them a while to be able to attend a wedding. I definitely wouldn't say I am strong, I'm going to show a friend support and celebrate his happiness. When I said I was nervous about going by myself, others would state "You are so lovable and sweet, you'll fit right in and make new friends". I don't quite agree with the loveable statement because I'm very shy which can come off as stand offish when first meeting people but I'll try my best. It may be hard while crying, though. I'm sure I'll write more after the wedding. Wish me luck!