Anger, anger,and more anger

Patience has always been one of my traits that I have been proud of, it came in handy while teaching, while growing up in my crazy family, during my marriage, in the car sitting in traffic, waiting in lines at the grocery store. Being able to handle stress was another trait that I thought was a good one. My old boss use to tell me that she didn't understand how I didn't get stressed. She was 100 per cent positive that I didn't get stressed because I never showed it. Unfortunately, Josh was the only one I showed the stress too and it probably wore him down. The past 6 months I have been extremely stressed regarding paying bills (which I had never been stressed out before), hating my job, trying to find a new job, making decisions in general, stressed about doing the wrong thing so Josh wouldn't want to reconcile, stressed about my family etc. Today is the first day I've allowed myself not to be stressed but I think that is because I am finally to the point of true anger.

For the past 6 months, I have felt all of the emotions almost every single day:

1) guilt- believing the separation was all my fault
2) feeling of failure- i'm not a perfectionist but I like to do well at things and having my marriage completely fall apart and not being able to fix it has made feel like I'm a failure
3) complete sadness- crying everyday, wishing i could go back and change things
4) loneliness- yep, i am an introvert but i love to be around people but lately i've been feeling bad because i haven't felt "fun" enough.
5) jealousy- the past six months have brought a lot of this jealousy on- before this happened- i can say I was rarely jealous. About a month before Josh "suddenly" left- I was jealous of Jen because prior to this happening she would call a lot, Josh would always talk about her, she's a gorgeous,thin blond with nice sized chese whereas one of the areas I am most self conscience about is my extremely small chest. Josh had planned a trip to Wisconsin Dells with a group of friends that included her and mostly single people- but he forgot to tell me about it- when he finally mentioned it, I started crying because that's what I do and I told him I didn't want him to go and that I felt uncomfortable. Hmm, ironic, coincidence, or does it tell a story that about 2 weeks after our little tiff about the dells and Jen that he leaves and then spends all that time and money talking to her on the phone....when he should have been telling his wife how he felt. I've also been jealous of the fact that he now has so many friends and is able to go out and have fun while I can't seem to be sad.

So after today, I still have some of the feelings but I've become much more angry. I had e-mailed him a question on the Marital Termination Agreement regarding retirement , stocks and bonds and he responded by saying "I feel that you feel you are getting screwed financially, when the exact opposite is true". I know it shouldn't hurt but I am a sensitive person, I've offered to take more of the debt but he's always said he wants it because he doesn't want me to have to worry about it. Personally, I think it's so he doesn't have to feel guilty for being a jerk the past six months in addition to the fact that he'll be making five times what I make once he's graduated. Since, he didn't really respond to my question I called his lawyer's office and his attorney wasn't it. Later in the afternoon, I get a phone call at work and the office says that the attorney is no longer with that company and this person will be taking over. She kindly answers my questions and then tells me that once I sign the MTA, it will take 1-7 days for it to be finalized, most likely one. Josh has told me that it would take a few months. Now, I'm coming to realize the reason why he wants it done so quick is that he can continue dating this MBA girl without feeling guilty. I know I've made a list of what I was angry about before but this time I am truly truly angry and want him to know how upset and hurt I am.

1) Not giving me a chance- who "snaps" one night, never comes home, moves out and literally does not give a marriage a chance to be salvaged. After speaking with my new therapist, i think she has a point. Josh has told me that the night he left, he had looked across the bar with hundreds of people and couldn't picture me having fun there because of my introvertedness. I do go out, not all of the time and i don't get "wasted" but if given the chance I would have gone. My therapist's view is that when he was out, it was most likely with single people and realized there was a different life he wanted which didn't include marriage. I believe this to be true but instead of him saying this- he's told me over and over again of everything i did that hurt him.

2) Text messaging me to tell me he wasn't coming home again. How adult is that?

3) Shirking all responsibilities- on my tiny paycheck- I was left with a 1200 dollar rent payment, a Lexus car payment, all of the house bills which were very expensive, the phone bill, gym membership, life insurance, car insurance, etc. While I was taking care of the house that he chose (and we had agreed that this time I would choose the place to live since not once in our relationship did I get to choose) and I was taking care of my pets, he was going on vacations, in one semester he went to a friend's cabin (2 days after he left), Lutsen for a ski trip (I love to ski and not once did he ever ski with me), Cancun, Vegas, back to Cancun for spring break, then two days after he told me he wanted a divorce he went on a road trip- where he ended up in Aspen, Co. Our last real vacation was probably our honeymoon- once we moved to Connecticut, we used vacation to come back and visit family. I was sitting at home trying to make ends meet while he's enjoying this party, no responsibility attitude. He's still taking no responsibility- I still have all of the pets which he should really take Dora since it's actually his dog.

4) constantly telling my I'm dependent. Yes, I am sad- i believed in a marriage and it was completely torn apart and I'm mad that I was never given a chance to work on the marriage but that does not mean I am dependent- my family would completely disagree with him

5) Being lied to, he constantly told me it wasn't because some one else, he told me he didn't want to be with anyone and he's not meant to be a relationship yet the day after he meets with the Pastor and me, he's dating--- no I'm sorry that happened a long time before. It also made me mad that he said he wouldn't say who it was because he was afraid I would call her. I'm not that type of person. He also said that I would compare myself to her and my self-esteem is already low. Well, yes I've been torn into tiny little pieces repeatedly told how much I hurt him by my actions while he's been out galavanting with girls- of course I'm not feeling the most confident but he doesn't have to rub it in my face.

6) Extremely angry that I wasn't given a chance to rectify things. Almost every book I've read has said that most people discuss things and try to work on things and instead I get an impulsive jerk that just leaves and never looks back. This is what makes me the most mad. My therapist says she has worked with a number of divorce cases and in her 18 years of therapy- she has never had anyone be so quick to get out of a marriage and to act so impulsively.

7) I'm mad that he says he's hurt by the divorce too. If this was true- he wouldn't be dating- he would have listened to the pastor when he said we both need time to heal.

8) I'm worried about his drinking

9) I'm mad that he's been putting words in my mouth. He's said that I was never in the marriage, never wanted to do anything, afraid of the city, felt resentment towards him for moving to Connectict, etc. All things that I never felt and I'm angry that he thinks all of this and doesn't believe me.

10) I'm really angry that he believes that i never liked his family- his family was very important to me and I'm mad that he doesn't want us to keep in touch any more.

11) I'm mad that when we switched cars, I changed the oil (which he said he was going to do), filled up the gas tank, and washed the car and i get a car that is on complete E, needs the oil changed (because he didn't think I would have time), and the car had bird poop all over it.

12) I'm extremely angry that the day before I was suppose to have the carpet cleaned, he was suppose to come get his items at 7:30 and he never did and when he finally returned my call- all he said was "I got caught up"- yeah- what did you get caught up in sleeping with your new fling? So, I had to move all of his crap by myself- I got two hours of sleep that night thanks to him!!!

13) Saying that my family is crazy and he doesn't know how my dad puts up with my mom- yes my family is crazy but you don't bash your in-laws.

14) Telling me that I have no goals or ambitions. Yes, we do not have the same goals and ambitions- I want to help people and he wants to have power and money but that doesn't mean that I do not have goals or ambitions.

15) Telling me that myself and our old friends are no fun because they have settled down.

16) Telling me that our marriage was nothing more than a best friendship.



17) For lying to me throughout our marriage- he had constantly told me that our marriage was the strongest and best ever and he was so happy and lucky to be married to me but over the past 6 months- all he has done is tell me how unhappy he was with me. Does he remember- he was the one that proposed, he was the one that married me, he was the one that chose not to date anyone before me and now he is punishing me for the decisions he made!

So I guess I'm even more angry than I thought. I really think I am going to send the letter tomorrow morning- I didn't want to send it in hopes of reconciliation but that is obviously not going to happen. I've also decided that even though he says that he wants to be friends some day, I can not be friends with him. He has been dishonest with me and has treated me like crap for six months- I may not have a lot of friends but the ones I do have our lifetime friends and are hard to come by. He wants to create this new life that doesn't have anything to do with his old one and not only did he give up a good wife, he gave up a good friend. I know this is selfish and mean but i really hope that one day he wakes up and realizes how mean he has been and realizes that marriages do need to be worked on, and that we could have had a good, healthy marriage. He is not going to like the letter but I am going to send it to him because he needs to hear it, all I've done is repeatedly apologize and now it's time for him to hear how he is acted- though I doubt he even cares any more.