Today is a day of a variety of emotions. In order to save money I moved back in with my parents for a little while. Even though I love my family, I'm starting to see where I got a lot of the things that Josh didn't like about me. I've been out and about all day and when I got home my mom was laying in her room. I had asked my dad if he had eaten dinner yet and he said no he was waiting for my mom to decide what she wanted. No problem, well my dad ended up eating chips for dinner and my mom is still in her room. She's on the 4th Steven King movie of the day and she doesn't want to miss any part of it. So, she's spent 8 hours watching tv without getting up. In my head, this is okay once in a while but this is a daily occurance with her.
My mom doesn't cook, she spends a lot of time watching tv in her room and she has social anxiety. It's almost nine and my little sister hasn't eaten yet either. I asked if anyone wanted me to make them supper and they just want chips. One of Josh's complaints was that I wasn't a traditional wife, I come from a very non-traditional family with extremely poor eating habits. There are no vegetables, fruit, juices, or milk in the fridge. Yet, there is a lot of pop in the fridge- actually, that's what they have for breakfast.
After being with Josh's family for 8 years, I miss the family dinners where everyone sits around the table every night, talk to one another, discuss what happened in a day, etc. I really miss these dinners and I'm mad that Josh told me that I was never into these dinners in the first place. I've never said anything to make him think that but since I didn't jump up and down with excitement, it meant I wasn't happy. I really miss his family and his mom. His mom knows me better than anyone in my family and actually understands me. Whenever I try to talk to anyone in my family, they have to somehow throw in that I'm college educated and remind me that I'm not "normal" in my family.
In regards to the dinner, I'm 30 and the only time my immediate family has ever done that was this past Thanksgiving when Josh and I hosted the dinner. It's a good/bad memory because 2 weeks later Josh unexpected left. I really do love my family but being here makes me realize why I was in such a hurry to get out the house in the first place.
Of course, I've also been thinking about Josh. He would be the one that I would call and talk to about this situation but I can't. It makes me so mad that he can just up and leave his wife and supposed best friend because he feels like it. Right now, I'm in the angry mode. I'm mad that he never told me how he felt because I had always thought that we had a pretty good relationship and he had said that as well. I still have the card from Valentine's day on our 3rd wedding anniversary that says he loved our evening conversations, he liked that I could drop everything after a long day and make a snowman, and that most of all he loved that he married his best friend. With everything that he is saying now- was he being truthful in the card or have the last 8 years been a complete lie. I feel like they've been a complete lie. He knew who I was when he first started dating me, he knew who I was when he proposed, he knew who I was when we moved to CT, he knew who I was when we moved back yet he says he's been miserable the past 8 years. Why would you stay with someone if you're that miserable? After unexpectedly leaving, why would you call another girl over 100 times and talk for hours on end regarding this situation but not talk to your wife- the one who should have known so she could have had a chance to work on things. Actually, I'm really upset with this right now. I don't understand just "snapping" and then leaving and not giving a marriage a real chance. What does commitment mean now in our society? Obviously, to Josh- it means absolutely nothing which angers me because when I stood up at the altar- I meant those words "For Better For Worse, For sicker, for poorer, til Death do us part". If he was so angry then- he should have never proposed and never married me in the first place.
I'm going to write more later, I have to take my sister to Subway as my mother is still watching her movie and she just told my sister that she needs to wait until the 4th part of the movie is done, grrr.
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