Lies, lies, and more lies

Well, this was definitely one of the more eventful weekends I've had in quite a while. In the past, I've always enjoyed being busy but the way this weekend turned out would not be what I call enjoyable.

FRIDAY

On Friday I was to meet a person for free dance lessons. I ended up being late (I hate being late!)because I had met with a lawyer and didn't allow enough time for traffic. When I realized I was going to be late, I tried to take a short cut. Silly me, I should know that my short cuts rarely work. My short cut wound up with me being quite lost and a half hour late for lessons. The lessons itself were quite awkward. Not for any particular reason except for the fact that I am me. The instructor kept talking about all of her wedding couples and the dances she teaches and how happy the couples are when they are floating on the dance floor. Somehow, I made it without crying until I was in the car by myself. Josh and I took dance lessons for our wedding and I quite enjoyed the lessons and dancing with him. It's times like this when I get even more sad because it reminds me of the happy times that I thought we had, now knowing that he believes we never had a happy moments.
After the lessons, we grabbed dinner at a cute little diner down the road. I've told the person I was with that I'm not interested in dating and that I'm in a rough spot right now. While at dinner, I just wanted to scream- stop talking! I'm hurt, I'm a bad person, I don't want a divorce, I feel like my life has done a complete 180 (well, that is true, isn't it).

After dinner, I ended up meeting with some friends that I hadn't seen since before Josh left. I was really happy about this. The friend that I saw was a friend that Josh didn't want me to talk to because they were friends first. During the past six months, I've really missed his friendship but was respecting Josh's wishes. Later in the evening, I found out that Josh doesn't even talk to him anymore. I have no idea what happened to Josh. He's changed quite a bit and I honestly don't think it's for the better. Anyone that can throw away good friendships from people he's known for years and years for "new" and more exciting friends does not know what the meaning of true friendship is. The people that he has "thrown away" are the most loving, kind, generous, fun (yes, even without alcohol, Josh) people. They are people that will stand by your side not matter what is happening and will support you. Instead of going to these people for help, he's tossed them out of the window and into the garbage. I'm mad at how he's treated me the past 6 months but I'm even more furious at how he's treated his old friends.

SATURDAY

Saturday was work as usual in the morning. I hate admitting this but since Josh left, I've been struggling with bills so I work extra any chance I get. This is another area where sometimes I feel selfish for being upset. Prior to Josh and I getting to engaged I didn't make very much but I was able to save a lot. Once Josh and I were married Josh took over doing the finances. I would ask about savings and he would always tell me not to worry. When we moved back here and I was debating negotiating my salary before accepting the job, Josh had told me not to because he would be making 6,000 dollars a month this summer so we'd be able to pay things off. Well, when you have rent, bills, car payment, and more that adds up to 2200 dollars a month and you don't take home that much money, it makes it hard to save and to just get by. Unfortunately, I can honestly say that I haven't gone "real" grocery shopping since before Josh left because I didn't have money for groceries. For lunch, I would have a reece's peanut butter cup or whatever I could find in the office at work. Once in awhile, if I could scrounge things up, I would go out to eat with a friend. Selfishly, I'm upset that I became accustomed to a certain lifestyle that now I can't enjoy. Living with my parents is helping me pay some bills and hopefully save something but at times I still feel like a complete loser and then I get upset at Josh knowing that he's out there making in one month what it would take me more than 3 months to make. I'm not quite sure where all of this comes from what I wanted to write about is coming up next.

For quite a while now, I've had the sneaking suspicion that Josh has been dating someone Especially, after this week when he was so adamant about me signing the papers. After one of his e-mails, I asked him why he was in such a hurry and his response was "It sucks, we're both hurt, I want to move on". So, I returned the e-mail asking him to clarify what he meant and if he was dating anyone. Of course, he doesn't answer this question. Well, today I found out I was correct, he has been lying. He even lied to the Pastor! How can you lie to the frickin Pastor???? I asked if he would tell me who it is and his response was "I don't understand why it's any of your business that I'm dating" (umm, if you're so smart- don't you recall that we are still legally married at this point of time and that you've already torn my heart into thousands of little pieces). He went on to explain that he's not going to tell me who because he's afraid I'll call her or that I'll compare myself to her and with my self-esteem being so low already, it would make it even worse. Who is he to say where my self-esteem is at the moment. Yes, I'm hurt, yes, I feel like the whole dissolution was partly my fault but I'm starting to get to the point where I'm angry at him because he never expressed any of these feelings.

In the conversation, I asked him that in his next relationship to please tell the person what he's feeling and he responded with "I'm not throwing rocks and stones at you, why are you throwing daggers". I was trying to be nice because i don't want anyone to go through what I'm going through now. In another part of the conversation I brought up the fact that I felt like I was being thrown away and that I never meant anything to him and how hurt I was with the fact that he could just up and leave one night and never look back. This time his response, in a very unfriendly tone was "there's the anger the Pastor talked about".

With all that he has done, I'm finally realizing that I do need to get angry. I've been blaming myself all this time and during the time that I've been blaming myself, he's been off in lala land on party trips to Vegas and Mexico, and then doing who knows what with who knows who on a road trip, I'm guessing he's probably having a lot of one night stands since the alcohol which he now seems to enjoy consuming so much gives him the confidence to get girls. I really don't know who he is anymore. Since he left, Josh has always said that I was never in the marriage. After josh told me he was dating, I e-mailed a friend of mine who is a Pastor telling him how I was feeling with this new information and his wise response, really made me open my eyes even more. He stated: "I think Josh is the one who was not in the marriage from the beginning, if he can move on so quickly without hardly looking back. I would be mad as well." Honestly, I think my pastor friend is right on the mark.

In the conversation, Josh also wanted to know why we couldn't end the conversation with smiles. Are you frickin kidding me? You've finally admitted to dating (after you lied to both myself and a Pastor), you threw away the person you use to call your best friend and wife, you've tossed her into the garbage truck and thrown her down a grimy and windy river, you've told me repeatedly of all of the things that I did to hurt you yet i didn't know those things hurt you and they are all items that could have been improved upon, but no, your never even given the chance. You've also told her that you've been unhappy for eight years. Hmmm, i think maybe those are just a few reasons why I'm still crying.

At the end of the conversation, he said that he wants me to know that he's hurt to. yes, i know all of the things that hurt you but I also know that the actual divorce isn't hurting you because if it was, you wouldn't be dating already. The research plus what the Pastor said was that each of us needs to take time to figure out who we are by ourself before going back to the dating world. Yet, I can tell that for him he thinks he's already had the time because he checked out of the marriage months and months and months ago- he just forgot to tell his loving wife that important piece of information and then kept stringing her along. Tonight, I'm being mean because I do hope that one day wakes up and realizes what a good thing he had that he gave up on. I hope that he sees that marriages are work and than maybe if given the chance, our marriage could have grown even stronger. I may not have been the traditional wife but I am a good person who did love him (I wish I could figure out how he went from I love you, to I love you but I'm not in love with you, to I still care about you". If I could make my feelings do that, I'd be able to stop crying just a little bit.

During this time, I have come to realize how lucky I am to have the friends that I have. I do need to find some type of divorce support group though, because if one has not gone through anything like this, it is hard for one to understand all of the emotions that come with a divorce. I'm really tired of hearing, it's not as bad as you think it is, get over it, he's a jerk. Yes, he's not been acting in a kind way towards me but the other things, I can't just let go of the feeling of failure knowing that when I stood up on the altar on my wedding day and said the words "until death do us part, I thee wed". I had imagined where we would live, kids, family, etc and then poof it's all gone in an instant. If you've never been there, you can empathize but it's really difficult to understand the emotions (at least that's what all of the books say as well). I need to find a support group for divorcees or something like that.

SUNDAY

Oooh, this one has to do with my brother and again, hmmm, what else? alcohol. There is a reason that when I was a child I made the conscious choice not to drink to heavy. I don't care if people think I'm a prude or in my husband's words (yes, Josh at this time- you still are my husband) "no fun".

Well, my sister-in-law wanted to go out and enjoy the Minneapolis scene. A little after 11:30 we head over to a friends house for a glass of wine. Well, my brother is up at a softball tournament as he is every weekend. My sister-in-law does not have a cell phone. I get a call from my brother asking for Heather so I give it to her and the next think you know is he's yelling at her calling her names, he's far proceeded drunk. He spent all of his money, he's with two friends that are just as drunk as he is and they have no place to go. They can't sleep in the car because one of the men on the team has taken my brother's car and drove it back down to the cities. After calling Heather more names (which she does not deserve to be treated like that) he hangs up. A little later, he calls again- in an even more drunk state. I decide that I'll see if we can find them a hotel and I'll put the room on my card. Seems like a good idea (of course, I'm nervous that they'd rack up a large bill".

My battery is going to dye so I'll finish the story tomorrow- stay tuned! Hint: it doesn't end up with them in a hotel room and does end up with me getting an hour of sleep....