To send or not to send

All weekend I've been crying non stop. I know one day it will change but often times I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in a year. Even through, my counseling classes, I never really understood the difficulty and stresses of a divorce, especially with mine. In lawyer speak "it's a relatively simple case, no children, no property, short-term. The marriage itself may be short term but our relationship was 8 1/2 years and we were friends for a year prior to dating.

For the past six months, I've apologized over and over again to him, telling him I was sorry for unintentionally hurting him but I've never told him how much he hurt me. i want him to know that just leaving your wife one day without giving her a chance is inappropriate, that acting single while still being married is inappropriate, that lying to the person that you looked in the eyes and made life long vows to, by shirking all responsibility by making her take all of the animas, paying bills that were based on his salary and now I'm struggling, how much all of that hurt. I want him to know that a marriage does need to be worked on, unlike his idealic view of marriage, and that people do go through trials and tribulations. I really think that he's going to have a big shocker in his next "true" relationship, if he thought I was hard to please.

I don't want to be mean but that deep seated anger is really coming out. I am more that hurt/devastated that Josh is dating already but as a good friend told me, "he was out of the relationship six months ago, he just forgot to tell you, so he's had time to heal". This statement was made after I said that I wish I could be like Josh and just have a heart of stone and pretend like nothing ever happened the past 8 1/2 years. During this statement, I remembered a conversation that Josh and I had when we were actually still talking and I thought he was still partly in the marriage. I had asked him he was dating because my counselors had said this is how this sort of stuff usually happens. His response was a quite animate "No, this isn't about someone else. Plus, I wouldn't want to be with a woman who would knowingly be with someone who is still married, that's just not right". Hmmm, but you can now date someone, even though you'll now date someone that knows you are technically still married. Oh, that's right, when I said that we're technically still husband and wife you laughed and said "only on paper". I don't know the girl that he's dating and I don't want to know, especially since he said that my already low self-esteem would just get lower if I knew who it was. Probably, a tall, chesty, extroverted, partier, blond. I don't know, I know that personally, I wouldn't want to date someone that just came out of a marriage. It just doesn't seem right. And I won't even say what all of the studies show about men who have someone waiting in the wing when they leave the marriage.

I'm quite frustrated with myself- I still love Josh, which sucks because I know part of me always will and I know that he only "still cares about" me. I don't understand how that just stops. I want to be able to just cut everything off and forget the past eight years- the reason I want to forget the past is because I had good memories and honestly thought we had a good marriage. For goodness sake, he's the one that use to say that we had the strongest marriage and he was so lucky to be married to his best friend-----until he started grad school. I don't even know this Josh anymore. The Josh I use to know would see people who were recently divorced or broken up with get into relationships right away and he would say "that's not right, how cruel can they be, how come they can't work it out.". Everything he use to say he despised is now what he is doing.