Probably shouldn't be writing right now as once again I'm a little down. I've actually been doing quite well and have rarely been sad the past few weeks. Although, I've been so busy that it would be quite hard to be sad. However, once again I've come in second place. I'm really tired of being where I work. Even though, I enjoy what I do, for the most part, I'm just tired of being forgotten about in one department, in trouble in another department, non-existent in the third department so I've been looking for other jobs. The last interview went really well and they called my references which they normally do for a couple of the finalists. I didn't really think much of it until I got an e-mail from the head of the committee last week saying the process was taking a little longer than expected but they had called my references. The e-mail stated "you are well-liked, competent, fun, innovative, professional, individual and we would love to have you". Still I was trying not to get my hopes up but thought this might be a possibility. When I got home today to check my e-mail, I had an e-mail from the head of the committee that stated that I was a strong # 2 candidate that they would like to have working in the school and the difference between my application and the final candidate is experience. I completely understand, I'm just really tired of getting these "we like you and wish we could hire two people". Honestly, I don't know much longer I can do this position. I just really want out and don't know quite how to get out with out moving far, far away.
After this weekend, I had also made the decision that I need to find a place to live asap. I'm very lucky to be able to live at home with no rent but the drive is tiring and I miss having my own space, being able to find my clothes, find books, take a bath, sit on the couch and read without loud noise. Now, that I got this rejection, I don't even know what to do any more. Do I just wait it out here in a job I hate, do I keep applying but only in the cities, do I apply for jobs all over, do I think about going back to school? I just don't know any more. All I want to do is to do something right, again. Looking at the past year, I've screwed up in my job (which I 've never done in the past), apparently screwed up quite a bit in the marriage, and if you asked my family right now, they would say I'm probably not the best live-in person.
Then, I was also out to dinner tonight and found out some very interesting information regarding some other stuff. It just made me re-think once again if I should trust my judgement of character.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Day by Day
This past week, I've been looking back at the past eight months and have come to the realization that even though the divorce was something that I didn't want, never would have expected, and would have done anything to reverse; it could actually be for the better. I do miss Josh quite a bit, I miss the conversations and he really was the only person that knew everything about me. I especially miss his family. Today, I went over to my sister-in-laws and there was a Snow White costume that Josh's mom had given my niece for Halloween and it made me think of her and miss our conversations and the trips to the casino. When Josh first told me he wanted the divorce, Judy had said that she would always consider me her daughter-in-law and would come visit me wherever I would go, especially if I moved to Connecticut but I haven't spoken with her since the end of April. His sister and I use to e-mail quite a bit and then in July she stopped. I understand because it would be hard to remain friends with someone that your son/brother really can't stand but I would hope that possibly some day we could all talk once again. I really did consider his family my family and I miss them. Joey's (his nephew) birthday was a few weeks ago and I wanted to send him a present but I wasn't sure how that would go over so I decided against it.
Today, I was pretty proud of myself. When I went to church, I didn't even shed a tear. I haven't cried, cried for the past month but church is usually where I do end up crying, mainly because I would start to feel guilty and then think about our wedding and the vows that we made. Now that I'm starting to think that maybe Josh was right and we weren't the best fit for each other, it's a little easier to go to church without balling. Of course, I still feel guilty for quite a few things but that is just who I am and is something I need to keep working on. As my counselor says, one day soon it will all start to come together!
I think this week, I might be having to make some tough decisions regarding work. Friday, I got in a little "trouble" at work from one of my departments and it just reinforced my want to get out this specific job. I think I have a decent shot at another one but it is less money (only 10 months/per year- would be nice to be back on a teaching calendar) and would be on the St. Paul campus. Or do I keep waiting for something that I know I will enjoy and that I can make a tad bit more money? Or do I keep this job that I can't stand and go back to school next year?? Decisions, decisions.
Oh, I got my third tattoo today! I think I like it but I am still in quite a bit of pain. It was kind of fun, telling a few people that have only known me for a few months that I got my third tattoo and each person said they would never guess I would have one. It's always fun to surprise people :) Once I get a camera, I'll post a pic.
Today, I was pretty proud of myself. When I went to church, I didn't even shed a tear. I haven't cried, cried for the past month but church is usually where I do end up crying, mainly because I would start to feel guilty and then think about our wedding and the vows that we made. Now that I'm starting to think that maybe Josh was right and we weren't the best fit for each other, it's a little easier to go to church without balling. Of course, I still feel guilty for quite a few things but that is just who I am and is something I need to keep working on. As my counselor says, one day soon it will all start to come together!
I think this week, I might be having to make some tough decisions regarding work. Friday, I got in a little "trouble" at work from one of my departments and it just reinforced my want to get out this specific job. I think I have a decent shot at another one but it is less money (only 10 months/per year- would be nice to be back on a teaching calendar) and would be on the St. Paul campus. Or do I keep waiting for something that I know I will enjoy and that I can make a tad bit more money? Or do I keep this job that I can't stand and go back to school next year?? Decisions, decisions.
Oh, I got my third tattoo today! I think I like it but I am still in quite a bit of pain. It was kind of fun, telling a few people that have only known me for a few months that I got my third tattoo and each person said they would never guess I would have one. It's always fun to surprise people :) Once I get a camera, I'll post a pic.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Myriad of thoughts in one day
Ever since receiving the actual divorce decree, I've been doing a lot better. I've felt more confident, I've been able to actually have some fun and enjoy myself. Of course, there are still times when I just want to start crying or literally do end up crying as when I went to the DMV to get my name changed on my license. This week might be tough too, since I still have to go to Social Security and all of those other fun places. Other times, like when I was sitting in church listening to the Pastor describe the various perspectives people bring to life. For some reason, I really starting to think about Josh and then yet again, I was crying my eyes out in church. I know that I still do miss him and it will take me a long time to completely heal. I can tell I'm already doing a lot better emotionally but there are still some things that I want to know, even though I know I will never know the answer. A few of the questions I have for him are :
1. What were some of the reasons for not telling me how you felt before "snapping"?
2. How can you just decide not to come home one night and you "text" message your wife that information?
3. Did our marriage actually mean anything to you or was it all a complete facade?
These aren't things that I will ever ask him but they are questions that are constantly running through my mind. To try and counteract these thoughts, I've tried to keep myself always entertained. For the past 3 weeks, there has only been one night where I was home before midnight (and I'm not a partier so it's not because I'm out at bars). I've just been really busy with meetup groups which I absolutely love and recommend to anyone trying to meet new people, attending my church group, seeing friends, applying for jobs, etc. I've been so busy which I like, but it's been busy to the point where I'm a little exhausted and haven't even thought about what I want to do with my life. I need to set aside a few days just to figure that out!
1. What were some of the reasons for not telling me how you felt before "snapping"?
2. How can you just decide not to come home one night and you "text" message your wife that information?
3. Did our marriage actually mean anything to you or was it all a complete facade?
These aren't things that I will ever ask him but they are questions that are constantly running through my mind. To try and counteract these thoughts, I've tried to keep myself always entertained. For the past 3 weeks, there has only been one night where I was home before midnight (and I'm not a partier so it's not because I'm out at bars). I've just been really busy with meetup groups which I absolutely love and recommend to anyone trying to meet new people, attending my church group, seeing friends, applying for jobs, etc. I've been so busy which I like, but it's been busy to the point where I'm a little exhausted and haven't even thought about what I want to do with my life. I need to set aside a few days just to figure that out!
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Bridge Collapse and feelings.....
On Wednesday, for some unknown reason I decided to turn around and go to a coffee shop instead of taking one of my typical routes home.
This is quite strange, as I do not drink coffee and rarely stop at a coffee shop. This happened just a little before 6, right near the bridge.
At 6:20, I came out of the coffee shop and had no idea why there were so many cars stopped and fire trucks, ambulances, etc flying past my car. I turn on the radio and hear about the 35W bridge collapse. There are so many stories of people deciding to go off of his/her typical routine and I was also one of them. What a strange world, we lead. After sitting in my car pretty much in shock, I decided to follow people down to "see" the damage. This isn't something I would normally do but I did. Everyone was in shock, people were rushing to try and find loved ones, calling to make sure loved ones were okay. It was a very different experience. Working at the university that is right next to the bridge, I thought about all of the students and staff that could have been on the bridge, my now ex-husband, friends, neighbors, family, etc and I was greatly panicked. For me, it just reiterated how short life can be and how everything can change in an instant and many other people were expressing the same feelings. I'm amazed at the stories I've heard about the people on or below the bridge and some surviving with just a couple bumps and bruises, people getting rescued, and people jumping in to help out. I can't imagine what the families of the victims must be feeling and my heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to all of them.
When, I was there I know Josh sometimes takes that road and sometimes at the bridge and was greatly concerned. I tried texting and calling him and the text message only said "just checking in to make sure you are okay, please text back". Considering the circumstance, nothing that I thought was too horrible. After a couple hours, I still hadn't heard anything back and a gentleman down at the river asked if everything was okay, I briefly told him that I didn't know if my ex-husband was on the bridge at the time and wasn't sure if he was okay. We ended up speaking for a long time and tried to help console and help others looking for their loved ones. Strange how life works, just from that short conversation we have now become friends. Still not hearing from him, I was getting quite concerned and text messaged the one friend who remained friends with both of us (though, Josh doesn't know that we remained friend and would not be happy, I just don't get it) to see if he had heard from Josh and he hadn't, he responded with "I haven't heard from him but I rarely do, anyway". Finally, after about 3 1/2 hours, my friend text me that Josh was okay and Josh did end up texting me with "yep,i'm okay". I'm very glad he was okay but the whole incident just me re-think life and re-think what type of person I want to be in life.
Everyone here is still pretty shook up. On Thursday, the department heads at work had to check in with all departments to make sure all staff were accounted for and all right. Being right next to the site, we've had the helicopters hovering above us and we've worked with some understandably very frightened freshman to be. The whole thing is completely surreal. Here, I've been complaining about my separation and divorce, the pain that I've felt throughout the past 8 months and it reminded me of how selfish I can be, there are so many things in this world that are much more important, there are starving children here in the states and all over the world, there are countries that are completely war torn, there are people still trying to recover from Hurricane Katrina and the list just goes on and on. I'm now taking a good look at myself to figure out what I can do to help make a positive difference in the world, even if it is something small. I'll still be writing on here because the divorce is painful and I do need to express my feelings and go through the divorce recovery process but I will also need to put energy into finding ways to make a positive impact in this crazy world.
I also wanted to thank all of my friends from all over the country that e-mailed, called, etc to check up on my family and me once they heard it on the news. I feel blessed to have the friends I have.
As the rescuers still work on recovering more cars and debris from the river, my heart goes out to everyone affected by this tragedy, I can't imagine how it must be for the families waiting to hear, the survivors who walked away with minor aches and pains, the survivors still in the hospital on the road to recovery, the construction workers, the rescue workers, the families still hoping and waiting to hear about the missing.
This is quite strange, as I do not drink coffee and rarely stop at a coffee shop. This happened just a little before 6, right near the bridge.
At 6:20, I came out of the coffee shop and had no idea why there were so many cars stopped and fire trucks, ambulances, etc flying past my car. I turn on the radio and hear about the 35W bridge collapse. There are so many stories of people deciding to go off of his/her typical routine and I was also one of them. What a strange world, we lead. After sitting in my car pretty much in shock, I decided to follow people down to "see" the damage. This isn't something I would normally do but I did. Everyone was in shock, people were rushing to try and find loved ones, calling to make sure loved ones were okay. It was a very different experience. Working at the university that is right next to the bridge, I thought about all of the students and staff that could have been on the bridge, my now ex-husband, friends, neighbors, family, etc and I was greatly panicked. For me, it just reiterated how short life can be and how everything can change in an instant and many other people were expressing the same feelings. I'm amazed at the stories I've heard about the people on or below the bridge and some surviving with just a couple bumps and bruises, people getting rescued, and people jumping in to help out. I can't imagine what the families of the victims must be feeling and my heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to all of them.
When, I was there I know Josh sometimes takes that road and sometimes at the bridge and was greatly concerned. I tried texting and calling him and the text message only said "just checking in to make sure you are okay, please text back". Considering the circumstance, nothing that I thought was too horrible. After a couple hours, I still hadn't heard anything back and a gentleman down at the river asked if everything was okay, I briefly told him that I didn't know if my ex-husband was on the bridge at the time and wasn't sure if he was okay. We ended up speaking for a long time and tried to help console and help others looking for their loved ones. Strange how life works, just from that short conversation we have now become friends. Still not hearing from him, I was getting quite concerned and text messaged the one friend who remained friends with both of us (though, Josh doesn't know that we remained friend and would not be happy, I just don't get it) to see if he had heard from Josh and he hadn't, he responded with "I haven't heard from him but I rarely do, anyway". Finally, after about 3 1/2 hours, my friend text me that Josh was okay and Josh did end up texting me with "yep,i'm okay". I'm very glad he was okay but the whole incident just me re-think life and re-think what type of person I want to be in life.
Everyone here is still pretty shook up. On Thursday, the department heads at work had to check in with all departments to make sure all staff were accounted for and all right. Being right next to the site, we've had the helicopters hovering above us and we've worked with some understandably very frightened freshman to be. The whole thing is completely surreal. Here, I've been complaining about my separation and divorce, the pain that I've felt throughout the past 8 months and it reminded me of how selfish I can be, there are so many things in this world that are much more important, there are starving children here in the states and all over the world, there are countries that are completely war torn, there are people still trying to recover from Hurricane Katrina and the list just goes on and on. I'm now taking a good look at myself to figure out what I can do to help make a positive difference in the world, even if it is something small. I'll still be writing on here because the divorce is painful and I do need to express my feelings and go through the divorce recovery process but I will also need to put energy into finding ways to make a positive impact in this crazy world.
I also wanted to thank all of my friends from all over the country that e-mailed, called, etc to check up on my family and me once they heard it on the news. I feel blessed to have the friends I have.
As the rescuers still work on recovering more cars and debris from the river, my heart goes out to everyone affected by this tragedy, I can't imagine how it must be for the families waiting to hear, the survivors who walked away with minor aches and pains, the survivors still in the hospital on the road to recovery, the construction workers, the rescue workers, the families still hoping and waiting to hear about the missing.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
It came today :(
Well, the divorce papers came today. After work I went shopping (on a very tight budget!) since none of my clothes fit anymore and I'm really tired of wearing super baggy clothes and my little sister's belt to help hold the pants up. When I did finally come home, just a little while ago, I saw a big envelope stamped "To: ..........." From: "District Court". It's the finalized copy of the divorce decree. I really don't want to cry right now so I decided to wait to open the envelope up until tomorrow. I know I'll be a nutcase reading them, especially since now I will have to actually go and change my name, every where. Credit cards, car insurance, life insurance, driver's license, social security card, bank information, gym membership, work, health insurance, cell phone company, church, and I know there is more but I can't even think of them right now. I do know that each time I go to change my name, it's going to hurt and I'll probably still cry for quite awhile.
In order to try and improve my thoughts once again, I'm starting a new book that I wish I would have started much earlier. It's called Rebuilding: When Relationships End and apparently a lot of divorce support groups have used this as their model so I'm hoping it's helpful. All the reviews I've read have been good so I'm hoping it helps a bit. Especially after reading that darn mid-life crisis at 30 book. I did like the 2nd half of the book better since there were little pieces about famous women, what they were doing at 30 and what there were doing now. I did find one chapter very enlightening and very true, an excerpt written by a journalist found on page 244
"The real rub in life is when the extraordinary becomes the ordinary,which it inevitably does, time and time again, especially in relationships. I'm not saying marriage is destined to be dull, but if you want the honest truth, here it is: Marriage can be hell. And the grass i snot greener on the other side. So ou may as well love the one you're with." Then later it goes on to say "Marriage wasn't designed to make you happy- you must do that for yourself. Happiness comes from the wellspring of your heart, not from another person, even if you have ht greatest husband on Earth, which I happen to think i have got. Today, i think that. ha1 Tomorrow, it may be a different story, and so goes the real marriage, heaven one day, hell the next".
This was the first person's story that I have agreed with in the entire book and it's something I wish Josh would have also realized. Josh told the counselor and me that marriage shouldn't need to be worked at, it's something that should just be. This frustrated me because I believe it is something that should be worked on and constantly worked on. Hopefully, some day he will learn this lesson.
Well, I have actually made it an entire day without crying. Maybe I can do it again tomorrow, especially while reading the finalized copy of the divorce papers. Still saddens me, to know a person 10 years, date for 5, married for 4 and then have it all dismissed on paper within a matter of weeks. Quite sad, in my mind.
In order to try and improve my thoughts once again, I'm starting a new book that I wish I would have started much earlier. It's called Rebuilding: When Relationships End and apparently a lot of divorce support groups have used this as their model so I'm hoping it's helpful. All the reviews I've read have been good so I'm hoping it helps a bit. Especially after reading that darn mid-life crisis at 30 book. I did like the 2nd half of the book better since there were little pieces about famous women, what they were doing at 30 and what there were doing now. I did find one chapter very enlightening and very true, an excerpt written by a journalist found on page 244
"The real rub in life is when the extraordinary becomes the ordinary,which it inevitably does, time and time again, especially in relationships. I'm not saying marriage is destined to be dull, but if you want the honest truth, here it is: Marriage can be hell. And the grass i snot greener on the other side. So ou may as well love the one you're with." Then later it goes on to say "Marriage wasn't designed to make you happy- you must do that for yourself. Happiness comes from the wellspring of your heart, not from another person, even if you have ht greatest husband on Earth, which I happen to think i have got. Today, i think that. ha1 Tomorrow, it may be a different story, and so goes the real marriage, heaven one day, hell the next".
This was the first person's story that I have agreed with in the entire book and it's something I wish Josh would have also realized. Josh told the counselor and me that marriage shouldn't need to be worked at, it's something that should just be. This frustrated me because I believe it is something that should be worked on and constantly worked on. Hopefully, some day he will learn this lesson.
Well, I have actually made it an entire day without crying. Maybe I can do it again tomorrow, especially while reading the finalized copy of the divorce papers. Still saddens me, to know a person 10 years, date for 5, married for 4 and then have it all dismissed on paper within a matter of weeks. Quite sad, in my mind.
Monday, July 30, 2007
when you think your'e doing well and then
you realize that the person that was suppose to be the one to be by your side and go through life's trials and tribulations erases you from your linkedin network. Seriously, it feels like a childish game. I was actually doing okay until I came to this realization. I had had a pretty decent weekend, only cried on my way to church and in church which is much better than my typical weekend. I went all of today without crying and then went to accept another linkedin invitation and noticed that my connections had gone down. Usually, this doesn't happen because most people don't unlink people. I don't know if he unlinked me because my profile still had part of his last name on it because I was waiting for all of the legal paperwork to come through before I changed everything, or if it's because he doesn't want people to know he use to be married, or if he was really upset with me and thinks I'm a crazy ex-wife lady after he received my letter. I don't know the reasonings and probably never will but it still didn't feel very good.
I just keep telling myself, one day, take one day at a time and one day, it will all feel much better.
I just keep telling myself, one day, take one day at a time and one day, it will all feel much better.
Friday, July 27, 2007
How does a divorce, even with out kids, mess one up so completely?
Today, I took the day off to apply for new jobs, the problem is I really have no idea what I want to do or what I want out of life. When I was teaching, I really did enjoy the actual teaching aspect, I just wasn't fond of the paycheck or not having my own classroom and not being seen as a "real" teacher by the students since I didn't have my own room and taught at two different schools. Before college, I absolutely loved my job as a receptionist at a real estate office. During college, I greatly enjoyed being a community advisor, working in the admissions office, being an Orientation Peer Advisor, staffing the front desk. etc. During graduate school, I enjoyed being a graduate assistant in the Counseling and Wellness Center supervising a group of 60+ students and 4 employees. Pretty much anything that kept me busy and had me interact with other people was great for me.
Now, in my job I have no co-workers, I have no actual work, and I'm bored throughout the entire day. I feel as though I haven't learned very much and that my brain is going haywire because I miss learning things. There were three constants in each type of work I enjoyed, one constant was the ability to be in charge and to always be learning, the other constant was to always be able to talk to Josh. Right now, I have neither of those constants and it's really mad me sad. I have no idea what I want to do. I know that I would like to make more money. Previously, money wasn't a big factor for me but Josh made a good amount and I did get use to that standard of living. I would like to be able to live like that again but I would also like to be able to do the things that we did together, together again. Knowing that won't ever happen crushes me and I just don't know how to get out of this state of feeling.
My goal today was to apply for some more jobs, instead I applied for one and took some more career interest surveys. I'm only 30 but yet I feel like I'm too old to be starting over and I've been having a lot of panic attacks regarding this.
I want to keep talking about the divorce because it does still hurt but I feel like I've talked about it too much too my friends and I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I just feel lost and incomplete inside. I know that some day I will be back there, I'm just not sure when and I really don't know how to speed up the healing process. Maybe when I figure out my next step for life, I'll start to feel better instead of like I just keep drifting into nowhere.
Now, in my job I have no co-workers, I have no actual work, and I'm bored throughout the entire day. I feel as though I haven't learned very much and that my brain is going haywire because I miss learning things. There were three constants in each type of work I enjoyed, one constant was the ability to be in charge and to always be learning, the other constant was to always be able to talk to Josh. Right now, I have neither of those constants and it's really mad me sad. I have no idea what I want to do. I know that I would like to make more money. Previously, money wasn't a big factor for me but Josh made a good amount and I did get use to that standard of living. I would like to be able to live like that again but I would also like to be able to do the things that we did together, together again. Knowing that won't ever happen crushes me and I just don't know how to get out of this state of feeling.
My goal today was to apply for some more jobs, instead I applied for one and took some more career interest surveys. I'm only 30 but yet I feel like I'm too old to be starting over and I've been having a lot of panic attacks regarding this.
I want to keep talking about the divorce because it does still hurt but I feel like I've talked about it too much too my friends and I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I just feel lost and incomplete inside. I know that some day I will be back there, I'm just not sure when and I really don't know how to speed up the healing process. Maybe when I figure out my next step for life, I'll start to feel better instead of like I just keep drifting into nowhere.
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