Second, always second

Probably shouldn't be writing right now as once again I'm a little down. I've actually been doing quite well and have rarely been sad the past few weeks. Although, I've been so busy that it would be quite hard to be sad. However, once again I've come in second place. I'm really tired of being where I work. Even though, I enjoy what I do, for the most part, I'm just tired of being forgotten about in one department, in trouble in another department, non-existent in the third department so I've been looking for other jobs. The last interview went really well and they called my references which they normally do for a couple of the finalists. I didn't really think much of it until I got an e-mail from the head of the committee last week saying the process was taking a little longer than expected but they had called my references. The e-mail stated "you are well-liked, competent, fun, innovative, professional, individual and we would love to have you". Still I was trying not to get my hopes up but thought this might be a possibility. When I got home today to check my e-mail, I had an e-mail from the head of the committee that stated that I was a strong # 2 candidate that they would like to have working in the school and the difference between my application and the final candidate is experience. I completely understand, I'm just really tired of getting these "we like you and wish we could hire two people". Honestly, I don't know much longer I can do this position. I just really want out and don't know quite how to get out with out moving far, far away.

After this weekend, I had also made the decision that I need to find a place to live asap. I'm very lucky to be able to live at home with no rent but the drive is tiring and I miss having my own space, being able to find my clothes, find books, take a bath, sit on the couch and read without loud noise. Now, that I got this rejection, I don't even know what to do any more. Do I just wait it out here in a job I hate, do I keep applying but only in the cities, do I apply for jobs all over, do I think about going back to school? I just don't know any more. All I want to do is to do something right, again. Looking at the past year, I've screwed up in my job (which I 've never done in the past), apparently screwed up quite a bit in the marriage, and if you asked my family right now, they would say I'm probably not the best live-in person.

Then, I was also out to dinner tonight and found out some very interesting information regarding some other stuff. It just made me re-think once again if I should trust my judgement of character.