Ever since receiving the actual divorce decree, I've been doing a lot better. I've felt more confident, I've been able to actually have some fun and enjoy myself. Of course, there are still times when I just want to start crying or literally do end up crying as when I went to the DMV to get my name changed on my license. This week might be tough too, since I still have to go to Social Security and all of those other fun places. Other times, like when I was sitting in church listening to the Pastor describe the various perspectives people bring to life. For some reason, I really starting to think about Josh and then yet again, I was crying my eyes out in church. I know that I still do miss him and it will take me a long time to completely heal. I can tell I'm already doing a lot better emotionally but there are still some things that I want to know, even though I know I will never know the answer. A few of the questions I have for him are :
1. What were some of the reasons for not telling me how you felt before "snapping"?
2. How can you just decide not to come home one night and you "text" message your wife that information?
3. Did our marriage actually mean anything to you or was it all a complete facade?
These aren't things that I will ever ask him but they are questions that are constantly running through my mind. To try and counteract these thoughts, I've tried to keep myself always entertained. For the past 3 weeks, there has only been one night where I was home before midnight (and I'm not a partier so it's not because I'm out at bars). I've just been really busy with meetup groups which I absolutely love and recommend to anyone trying to meet new people, attending my church group, seeing friends, applying for jobs, etc. I've been so busy which I like, but it's been busy to the point where I'm a little exhausted and haven't even thought about what I want to do with my life. I need to set aside a few days just to figure that out!
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