Ugh!

It's a holiday weekend and most people are up North at their cabins. Me, I'm sitting here procrastinating once again. Josh was coming over to get his stuff while I was at work with Sylvan. When I came home, he was still at the house. His first words to me were "are you okay". He then went on to tell me that I've lost too much weight and that he's not worth crying over. Aren't I the one to judge who or who isn't worth crying over? He said he still worries and he's concerned. I told him there is no reason to be concerned and he said "I still care about you.". That hurt, last week it was "I still love you but I'm not "in love with you". Now this week, it's "I still care about you"?? It's hard to see him because I just want to talk to him and give him a big hug. Then, my messed up head starts wondering if he's dating anyone or doing things with girls. Especially now since alchohol seems to play a big factor in his life. I still wish that some day he'd wake up and see that I am a good person and a loving person who just wasn't able to express it very well.

I've been talking a lot to old friends and every single one has said I'm one of the nicest people they know and that someday he'll regret this decision. I'd really like for this to be true but I still feel so much guilt. Plus, isn't it the saying "nice guys always finish last". Maybe if I can learn to be mean and not care, I'll start getting ahead. Nah, I just can't do that- I am who I am.

I left all the pictures out for Josh to take a look at and decide what he wanted to take. No surprise, he didn't take any. Sometimes, I really wonder why he's in such a rush to get rid of me. I've made a lot of scrapbooks since we were married and was hoping that he would take some, but he won't. He said I worked too hard on the books. Josh was a big part of my life for 8 years and the memories are in my head, I don't need a constant reminder of what a horrible wife/girlfriend I was. It's like he just wants to discard the last 8 years like nothing ever happened. He put all of our wedding pictures and wedding items in a box to store at his parents and said that neither one of us should have to look at these. Sometimes, I want to know if this is hurting him at all, does he ever wonder if he's making the right decision or is he still so upset with me that he'll always think of me as a horrible wife who was "just a best friend".

I'm also really ticked. Josh's birthday was last week and I bought him a present, nothing big- just something for work. He told me he didn't want to offend me and that the thought was nice but he couldn't take it because if he took it than I would think he would want to work on things. Yes, I would like him to want to work on the marriage but that's not why I got him the present. So, yes I am offended and I'm quite hurt. I wonder if he even realizes how much he's hurting me right now.

I really want to go dancing tonight but have no one to go with. Any takers? I should pack but I want to be out and about.