hmmm

I really did not want to pack tonight so I procrastinated quite a bit. It's my only night this week that I don't have anything so I should have gotten a lot more done than I actually did. In part of procrastinating, I went out to eat by myself (never done that before). I brought along the book Eat, Pray, Love. So far it seems pretty good- still hard to keep my mind of the divorce though.

When I finally did start to pack, things went a little worse emotionally yet again. I have a box of all the cards and letters that I have ever been given. For some reason, I decided to go through it and there were many letters and cards from my husband that proclaimed his love and what he liked about me. Many of them expressed how happy he was that he married his best friend. I've always cherished these notes and cards as he was a very romantic person and I gave him cards and left little notes for him as well but I don't know if he even remembers me giving him the notes/cards. Whenever he would go on a trip for his work, I would leave a note in his backpack or suitcase saying how I was counting down the days he came back yet he's told me that he never thought I was in the marriage. I'm still feeling guilty, trying to figure out where things went wrong.

Then, as I was packing, I found an orientation reception program for his MBA program. In the program there are quotes from previous MBA students and it talks about the importance of networking and getting to know your classmates as these will be your life long friends. Part of me wishes he would have shared this information with me before because I honestly didn't understand the importance of networking until now and maybe if I would have understood before, I would have been a little better during the first semester. Part of me is also jealous of these new life-long friends. I loved my grad program but it was small and not quite as intense and full of life as this one. I'm also a bit jealous because my husband was my best friend and I was his and now that is no longer true. At times, like when I briefly spoke with him today, it feels like I'm a nuissance and he just wants to get rid of me as fast as possible so he can get on with his new life. I usually am not a jealous person so I don't know why it bothers me so much. Well, actually, I do, it's because I miss being his best friend, I miss him talking to me, I miss listening to him and I miss him listening to me. He really did know me better than anyone else. I just wish I would be given the chance to go back and chage things or since that can't actually happen, that I would be given a 2nd chance at our marriage. One of hte cards that I read today was from my 22nd birthday. We've been together for over 8 years and I'm really devastated with what is happening. Sometimes, I wonder if he feels any pain at all with the divorce, I know he's hurt by my previous actions that I would have corrected had I known but I wonder if he ever thinks about changing his mind.

Lots of rambling today. I'm going to stop progrstinating and pack some more.