Patience

I've always prided myself on my patience but tonight it's wearing quite thin. The lease on the townhouse is up in three days and I have to go out of town for work on the last day. Tomorrow, the carpet cleaners come so I've been trying to get everything out of the house before the carpet cleaners come so then after they come, all I have left is the rest of the cleaning. Yet, there is a problem- this is where my patience is starting to wear quite thin. Josh still has quite a bit left in the townhouse. He came this afternoon to get some items and then said he would stop by this evening to pick up another load. He has two approximately two more loads. One load was in the living room and the other in the basement. As I've been packing, I've been putting his stuff into piles on each level. He said he was going to be back around 7:30/8:00. I've been busy trying to get the rest of my stuff out and cleaning. When Josh doesn't arrive by 9:00, I tell myself I'll give him to 9:30. At 9:30, I give him a call and there is no answer so I leave a message. At 10:30, he calls and says "sorry, got caught up". He repeats this four times. I don't know what he means by he got caught up- my guess is he probably went out bar hopping (since it was quite loud from where he was calling) so he forgot that he had to come back and get his stuff.

So, instead of him coming and getting his items. I've been bringing everything out to the garage setting it in an even bigger pile. Normally, this wouldn't bother me but since I still have quite a bit of my stuff left, lots of cleaning, and I start a new department at work tomorrow, it made me a litlte upset. It also made me a little upset because I felt like once again, I've been thrown to the wayside.

This morning, I started out crying and feeling guilty for being a bad wife. Then I was going through my scrapbooks deciding which ones I wanted to keep and which ones Josh could have. I've been trying to give him the ones with the majority of this family, even though he says he doesn't really want the pictures. While going through the scrapbooks, there are quite a few pictures of us. We're always smiling and looking like we were having a good time. This confuses me quite a bit as Josh has said that he always thought every other couple was happier than us. I was alwas happy to be with him, always excited when he came back from abroad, always enjoyed listening to him, and really enjoyed being his best friend and wife. Even though, I did always feel this way, I didn't show it very well. Even though, I am extremely sad about the divorce in general, I'm really upset with myself knnowing that many of my actions really hurt him. I've apologized and asked for a 2nd chance but he has said he doesn't want apologies and there is no 2nd chance. I just him to know and want him to truly believe that I am sorry that some of my actions hurt him.