Commitment?

Again, today has been day of crying. I keep thinking one of these days the crying will stop. The books I've read, though, say it takes 2-5 years. Maybe it will help once I'm done packing.

Today, I started packing cards. One of the cards I read was from our first anniversary. The card was from one of Josh's mentors and part of it reads "you are so fortunate to have one another to lean on. Even though we only met a few months ago and I have only been in your company as a couple for a short time, I can see that you two have a very close and special relationship. Always keep that magic in your marriage and know that together you are stronger than being on your own." This really got to me for a couple reasons. One, a complaint that Josh has had is that every other couple he saw seemed happier than us. I guess I never really showed him how happy I was just to be with him. Though, I thought I did. He also said that when he told people he left me, no one was surprised. This shocked me as everyone I told was very surprised. Friends had always thought of us as the "perfect couple". I'm guessing but I do not know, that the people that weren't shocked were probably his new MBA friends. When I did meet them, I was depressed and I was shy. Not a great combination. I just wish he would have given me the chance for them to get to know the real me and I wish he would give me a chance. A lot of the books that I have read regarding separation and divorce, there seem to be a lot bigger issues than the reasonings Josh doesn't want to work on things. It also seems that most of the people in the book were given some time to work on things. The wife or husband would tell his/her spouse that he/she was unhappy and then they would work on things. Instead, I get a spouse who one day decides not to come home and I never get a "real" chance to work on things.

People keep telling me,that when he's done with grad school, he'll most likely come to regret his decision, or that maybe after the summer, he'll change his mind. I would love to believe this. He truly is an amazing man, he was a wonderful husband (minus the fact that he didn't communicate with me). He's intelligent, kind, caring, ambitious, talented, etc. These are all reasons why I feel even more guilt. After everything he has said, I don't feel like I was a good wife. Everything I do, I put one hundred per cent into and I did put 100 per cent into our relationship, but I didn't show it well. During grad school, I wouldn't get home until 10:00 at night and he'd have dinner made for me or he would cut some salami and cheese. He really was a great husband. He was extremely romantic and always caring. I really wish I would have shown my feelings and excitement much more. Other people, keep saying "you'll find someone again". The problem is I don't want anyone else. I made this commitment to him and I believe that in the eyes of the church that we are one. It wouldn't be fair to anyone either, because in my mind I would be comparing everyone to him. Even if I would try- I don't think I could do it, I would be too afraid of getting hurt again and too afraid of accidentally hurting the other person.

Josh agreed to see a Pastor with me before I sign any papers. I spoke with the Pastor today and the Pastor said "you've barely been married long enough to have problems". I truly agree- marriage is about communication and working on things. In one of the books I read, it says that most divorces happen before 7 years of being married because people just give up and don't work on things anymore. Josh has told me that he's not in love with me anymore but I honestly believe that if he would give us the chance to at least date again, he would see the person he fell in love with before.

I know I'll be in later because this is therapeutic for me, it gets me to not cry for a little while but for now it's off to bellydancing class I go.