Frustration

A little less than a year ago, we were in the process of packing up our house in CT and taking our onward journey back to the midwest. We were both filled with excitement to come back and start the next chapter of our lives. Never in a million years would I have predicted this is where we would be today.

Today I'm filled with frustration, I think it's the whole packing thing and moving back in with my parents. I really don't want to move back in with my parents but I need to save money- I'm hoping to only be there a few months. Josh sees moving back in with my parents as a sign of dependency. I don't know why I let his thoughts bother me so much.

The whole name change thing is on my mind today. For the summer, I switch departments at work. Today, I had training and my new supervisor was introducing me to everyone as Maryanne Williams-Hackbarth. Yep, that is my name, I hyphenated it instead of completely changing it. I really don't want to change my name back as I've stated in earlier blogs. Now, I know how much not changing my name really hurt Josh, however, before we got married we had conversations upon conversations regarding this . A friend made me see a little more perspective today. Men, even though times have changed, don't realize how difficult it is for a woman to change her name. For 26 years, I was Maryanne Williams. Even though my family is dysfunctional and crazy, I didn't want to give up that part of my life but I also wanted to take on his name to show him and other people that I made a commitment to him. I thought it was a good compromise which he had agreed to at the time. So for the past 4 years, I have now been known as Maryanne Williams-Hackbarth and yet again, I am the one that has to change my name. Even though it is not something I want to do.

Also, today I've been thinking a lot about marriage, alcohol and the name change. Part of me thinks part of the reason of Josh leaving is due to his newfound like of alcohol since that was what he was doing the evening he left and it was something he had never done before. This really irks me because I would have loved to go out, dancing, etc. I'm not a big drinker but that doesn't mean I can't go out and have fun. I don't drink a lot for a couple reasons. My grandmother is an alcoholic and when I was a kid and saw how alcohol affected her life and how cruel she got when she was drinking, I made a conscious decision to not ever have alcohol affect me my life. Since alcoholism is genetic, I've made it a priority to be very careful. Also, when I was younger my parents were on a bowling league and every Saturday and Sunday, they would have their friends over and many of their friends were big drinkers. Two in specific were very violent after they drank and I saw too many fights and people getting hurt. I remember one evening, watching through my bedroom door, a big fight that developed where one person pushed another person down the stairs and an even nastier fight happened. These are all reasons I am so careful around alcohol, I don't think it makes me a not fun person. Just a little more responsible. I never tell anyone not to drink, just to drink responsibly.

Another huge aspect on my mind is what do I want to do with my life. I've been reading Po Bronson's book What Should I do With my Life, and many other books and I'm still trying to figure out the answer. Do we ever really know the true answer to that question?

I suppose I should really stop procrastinating and start packing. Maybe tonight I will make it through packing without crying.