Well, the divorce papers came today. After work I went shopping (on a very tight budget!) since none of my clothes fit anymore and I'm really tired of wearing super baggy clothes and my little sister's belt to help hold the pants up. When I did finally come home, just a little while ago, I saw a big envelope stamped "To: ..........." From: "District Court". It's the finalized copy of the divorce decree. I really don't want to cry right now so I decided to wait to open the envelope up until tomorrow. I know I'll be a nutcase reading them, especially since now I will have to actually go and change my name, every where. Credit cards, car insurance, life insurance, driver's license, social security card, bank information, gym membership, work, health insurance, cell phone company, church, and I know there is more but I can't even think of them right now. I do know that each time I go to change my name, it's going to hurt and I'll probably still cry for quite awhile.
In order to try and improve my thoughts once again, I'm starting a new book that I wish I would have started much earlier. It's called Rebuilding: When Relationships End and apparently a lot of divorce support groups have used this as their model so I'm hoping it's helpful. All the reviews I've read have been good so I'm hoping it helps a bit. Especially after reading that darn mid-life crisis at 30 book. I did like the 2nd half of the book better since there were little pieces about famous women, what they were doing at 30 and what there were doing now. I did find one chapter very enlightening and very true, an excerpt written by a journalist found on page 244
"The real rub in life is when the extraordinary becomes the ordinary,which it inevitably does, time and time again, especially in relationships. I'm not saying marriage is destined to be dull, but if you want the honest truth, here it is: Marriage can be hell. And the grass i snot greener on the other side. So ou may as well love the one you're with." Then later it goes on to say "Marriage wasn't designed to make you happy- you must do that for yourself. Happiness comes from the wellspring of your heart, not from another person, even if you have ht greatest husband on Earth, which I happen to think i have got. Today, i think that. ha1 Tomorrow, it may be a different story, and so goes the real marriage, heaven one day, hell the next".
This was the first person's story that I have agreed with in the entire book and it's something I wish Josh would have also realized. Josh told the counselor and me that marriage shouldn't need to be worked at, it's something that should just be. This frustrated me because I believe it is something that should be worked on and constantly worked on. Hopefully, some day he will learn this lesson.
Well, I have actually made it an entire day without crying. Maybe I can do it again tomorrow, especially while reading the finalized copy of the divorce papers. Still saddens me, to know a person 10 years, date for 5, married for 4 and then have it all dismissed on paper within a matter of weeks. Quite sad, in my mind.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
when you think your'e doing well and then
you realize that the person that was suppose to be the one to be by your side and go through life's trials and tribulations erases you from your linkedin network. Seriously, it feels like a childish game. I was actually doing okay until I came to this realization. I had had a pretty decent weekend, only cried on my way to church and in church which is much better than my typical weekend. I went all of today without crying and then went to accept another linkedin invitation and noticed that my connections had gone down. Usually, this doesn't happen because most people don't unlink people. I don't know if he unlinked me because my profile still had part of his last name on it because I was waiting for all of the legal paperwork to come through before I changed everything, or if it's because he doesn't want people to know he use to be married, or if he was really upset with me and thinks I'm a crazy ex-wife lady after he received my letter. I don't know the reasonings and probably never will but it still didn't feel very good.
I just keep telling myself, one day, take one day at a time and one day, it will all feel much better.
I just keep telling myself, one day, take one day at a time and one day, it will all feel much better.
Friday, July 27, 2007
How does a divorce, even with out kids, mess one up so completely?
Today, I took the day off to apply for new jobs, the problem is I really have no idea what I want to do or what I want out of life. When I was teaching, I really did enjoy the actual teaching aspect, I just wasn't fond of the paycheck or not having my own classroom and not being seen as a "real" teacher by the students since I didn't have my own room and taught at two different schools. Before college, I absolutely loved my job as a receptionist at a real estate office. During college, I greatly enjoyed being a community advisor, working in the admissions office, being an Orientation Peer Advisor, staffing the front desk. etc. During graduate school, I enjoyed being a graduate assistant in the Counseling and Wellness Center supervising a group of 60+ students and 4 employees. Pretty much anything that kept me busy and had me interact with other people was great for me.
Now, in my job I have no co-workers, I have no actual work, and I'm bored throughout the entire day. I feel as though I haven't learned very much and that my brain is going haywire because I miss learning things. There were three constants in each type of work I enjoyed, one constant was the ability to be in charge and to always be learning, the other constant was to always be able to talk to Josh. Right now, I have neither of those constants and it's really mad me sad. I have no idea what I want to do. I know that I would like to make more money. Previously, money wasn't a big factor for me but Josh made a good amount and I did get use to that standard of living. I would like to be able to live like that again but I would also like to be able to do the things that we did together, together again. Knowing that won't ever happen crushes me and I just don't know how to get out of this state of feeling.
My goal today was to apply for some more jobs, instead I applied for one and took some more career interest surveys. I'm only 30 but yet I feel like I'm too old to be starting over and I've been having a lot of panic attacks regarding this.
I want to keep talking about the divorce because it does still hurt but I feel like I've talked about it too much too my friends and I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I just feel lost and incomplete inside. I know that some day I will be back there, I'm just not sure when and I really don't know how to speed up the healing process. Maybe when I figure out my next step for life, I'll start to feel better instead of like I just keep drifting into nowhere.
Now, in my job I have no co-workers, I have no actual work, and I'm bored throughout the entire day. I feel as though I haven't learned very much and that my brain is going haywire because I miss learning things. There were three constants in each type of work I enjoyed, one constant was the ability to be in charge and to always be learning, the other constant was to always be able to talk to Josh. Right now, I have neither of those constants and it's really mad me sad. I have no idea what I want to do. I know that I would like to make more money. Previously, money wasn't a big factor for me but Josh made a good amount and I did get use to that standard of living. I would like to be able to live like that again but I would also like to be able to do the things that we did together, together again. Knowing that won't ever happen crushes me and I just don't know how to get out of this state of feeling.
My goal today was to apply for some more jobs, instead I applied for one and took some more career interest surveys. I'm only 30 but yet I feel like I'm too old to be starting over and I've been having a lot of panic attacks regarding this.
I want to keep talking about the divorce because it does still hurt but I feel like I've talked about it too much too my friends and I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I just feel lost and incomplete inside. I know that some day I will be back there, I'm just not sure when and I really don't know how to speed up the healing process. Maybe when I figure out my next step for life, I'll start to feel better instead of like I just keep drifting into nowhere.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
It really is an emotional roller coaster
Today I was reading an article that was passed on to me regarding Emotional Rescue for divorces and it states:
"Even if it was relatively brief, your marriage was an important part of your life. So ending it is going to be painful.........Aside from the death of a spouse or child, the end of a relationship is the most stressful and emotionally painful of life's experiences. Divorce affects every single facet of your life from finances to material possessions to accommodations. But during the initial stages all of these take a backseat to the emotional losses of love, security and the myth of "happily ever after".
"Many people who have gone through divorce say it's like an emotional roller-coaster ride: one day, you feel depressed and guilty, the next, angry and vengeful; and the next hopeful and calm. Sometimes you experience al these emotions in a single day. Little things can trigger surprisingly intense emotions: hearing a song on the radio, finding an envelope of holiday pictures, mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs."
For me, all of this rings true and it was kind of nice to read to help me realize that just because Josh has already moved on and is dating doesn't mean that I'm crazy for still being sad, hurt, angry and guilty. It also came at a good time because once I was out the door from work and in my car the fountain of tears sprouted once again. This week has been quite the roller coaster of emotions but I've mainly been sad and the guilt has started to reappear. Today, I spent most of the evening crying because I was looking for some keys and needed to clean my room anyway and then I found some of the letters I wrote to Josh since he left, found some of the cards he had given me throughout our marriage, prior to leaving, and received some mail addressed to Mr. Mrs.
I was also upset because I'm still trying to split up some of our bills and it frustrates me that he makes over three times what I make and that I'm struggling with the bills and I really do miss talking to Josh. I really want to move out of my parents house, I miss my own space, I miss having more than one room, I hate that my cats aren't allowed out of the room but I don't know where I'm actually going to be (hopefully I'll find a new job) and if I do go back to school next year, I want to be able to save up some money. Which brings me to trying to figure out what I want to do.
Today I researched Human Resources careers. I think I would like that type of career and I think it would be a great way to utilize my teaching and my counseling skills. I started looking at grad programs for Human Resources and some are just Master of Science and others are MBA programs so tomorrow my goal is to sign up for a GMAT class. I figure even if I don't go back for my MBA now, I enjoy taking classes and I miss learning so this would be a good way for me to focus on something and hopefully get my mind of Josh and maybe help me figure out what I want to do with my life. Somedays I feel old at thirty and other days I feel young. I do at least have the fact that I look much younger than my age going for me. Today, I was at the Dr's office and he asked what I was majoring in, the other week I got carded going to the MOA where you only need to be 16. I use to get upset with all of this but now I figure I'm thirty and it's a blessing to look young. Plus, if I do go back to school, possibly for my MBA noone will know how old I am :)
Goal for tomorrow: register for class, apply for new jobs, try to smile a little more, find storage keys to check on paintings, write thank you letters.
"Even if it was relatively brief, your marriage was an important part of your life. So ending it is going to be painful.........Aside from the death of a spouse or child, the end of a relationship is the most stressful and emotionally painful of life's experiences. Divorce affects every single facet of your life from finances to material possessions to accommodations. But during the initial stages all of these take a backseat to the emotional losses of love, security and the myth of "happily ever after".
"Many people who have gone through divorce say it's like an emotional roller-coaster ride: one day, you feel depressed and guilty, the next, angry and vengeful; and the next hopeful and calm. Sometimes you experience al these emotions in a single day. Little things can trigger surprisingly intense emotions: hearing a song on the radio, finding an envelope of holiday pictures, mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs."
For me, all of this rings true and it was kind of nice to read to help me realize that just because Josh has already moved on and is dating doesn't mean that I'm crazy for still being sad, hurt, angry and guilty. It also came at a good time because once I was out the door from work and in my car the fountain of tears sprouted once again. This week has been quite the roller coaster of emotions but I've mainly been sad and the guilt has started to reappear. Today, I spent most of the evening crying because I was looking for some keys and needed to clean my room anyway and then I found some of the letters I wrote to Josh since he left, found some of the cards he had given me throughout our marriage, prior to leaving, and received some mail addressed to Mr. Mrs.
I was also upset because I'm still trying to split up some of our bills and it frustrates me that he makes over three times what I make and that I'm struggling with the bills and I really do miss talking to Josh. I really want to move out of my parents house, I miss my own space, I miss having more than one room, I hate that my cats aren't allowed out of the room but I don't know where I'm actually going to be (hopefully I'll find a new job) and if I do go back to school next year, I want to be able to save up some money. Which brings me to trying to figure out what I want to do.
Today I researched Human Resources careers. I think I would like that type of career and I think it would be a great way to utilize my teaching and my counseling skills. I started looking at grad programs for Human Resources and some are just Master of Science and others are MBA programs so tomorrow my goal is to sign up for a GMAT class. I figure even if I don't go back for my MBA now, I enjoy taking classes and I miss learning so this would be a good way for me to focus on something and hopefully get my mind of Josh and maybe help me figure out what I want to do with my life. Somedays I feel old at thirty and other days I feel young. I do at least have the fact that I look much younger than my age going for me. Today, I was at the Dr's office and he asked what I was majoring in, the other week I got carded going to the MOA where you only need to be 16. I use to get upset with all of this but now I figure I'm thirty and it's a blessing to look young. Plus, if I do go back to school, possibly for my MBA noone will know how old I am :)
Goal for tomorrow: register for class, apply for new jobs, try to smile a little more, find storage keys to check on paintings, write thank you letters.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
One day without crying- yippee!
I'm still sad and upset but I finally went a day with out crying. I took the day off of work and spent part of it at the dog park and the other part reading. The past two days have been really difficult, it all has been difficult. Monday night I was angry at the people who were telling me to get over it and probably was a little more mean than I should have been but I have since apologized. Yesterday evening I spent the entire night hiding in my room. Typically, I enjoy being around people but after receiving an e-mail from Josh that in actuality wasn't mean at all but for some reason I read too many things into the e-mail and pretty much freaked out. My dad was having his softball buddies over for a large party and I couldn't stop crying because all of my guilt came back so I decided to hide in my room for the rest of the evening. It was nice because I talked to a couple good friends and was able to finish some reading but I still felt quite guilty by the time I finally went to sleep. One of the friends I was talking with said something that made me really start to think about how I live my life. I haven't seen this friend in over a year but I talk with her quite often and she said "Maryanne, when I met you two years ago, you were so quiet but you had this positive spark that just shot from around you. Then,I got to know you better and you are one of the most positive people I have ever known, you try to find the best in everyone and I never heard you say a negative thing about anyone, you were never stressed out and never let the little things bother you but now I talk to you and I can tell you have lost that spark, how do we get that back?". This line really struck a chord with me because I haven't been the true me for quite a while and I'm trying to figure out how to get it back. Part of me thinks that it will come once I'm in a positive work environment instead of the environment I'm in now, part of me thinks it will come when I'm finally able to heal. I don't know how long it will take to heal but I know with how emotional and sensitive I am, it will be a long time. But, the conversation made me put trying to figure out what I want with my life into high gear.
Yesterday, I also received an e-mail from Josh that made me feel all of that guilt all over again. I really did try to be a good wife and had he told me any of his thoughts and feelings before he left, I would have tried to improve. Today, in a random conversation a person I was talking to described what she thought would be a "crappy wife". Her three statements of what a crappy wife entailed are 3 of the long list of reasons that Josh thought I was never in the marriage. It's this stuff that makes me feel bad, even though I know that he has been able to move on, that he is already in a relationship, that he is having a good time and is the "happiest" he has ever been makes me feel horrible. I never wanted to hurt him and knowing I did tears me up inside and I'm not quite sure how to stop feeling that way.
I'm also reading the book Mid-life Crisis at 30. The book makes me go back to feeling like I wasn't a good life and doesn't make me feel all that great as they define success as making money in the corporate world. I'm a former teacher, have a Master's degree in a human services field and work in education. If I stay in education, I will never make a lot of money but that has also never been a priority of mine. I have done a lot of thinking about switching careers because I do need to make a little more than I make now if I want to be back on my own again and not at my parents (the sooner the better!) and I want to work in an environment where my skills are utilized, where I talk/see my boss more than once every few months, where there is opportunity to meet other people, to present ideas, to use my creativity, etc. If I could be a professional student the rest of my life, I would be elated but I can't actually do that for a job so I've been trying to set up some informational interviews to try and figure out my next step. As my soon to be ex-mother-in-law told me, my self-confidence has always been linked to my job and how successful I've been and I've been in a job where I have been depressed because of the lack of work and the solitariness of the job and know I need to find a switch, I'm just not quite sure what that means. Do I go back to school for an MBA so I can be at the management level, do I take a couple classes in Human Resources Development to tie in with my counseling degree and start looking at Organizational Leadership, do I take a year off and teach abroad while I try and figure out life, do I just stay where I'm at and take classes for fun, do I apply to random things and see what comes of it? I don't know but I do need to figure out something as I'm definitely not looking forward to tomorrow but I do have to think positively, at least I do have a job.
Who knows how long it will take for me to heal from Josh, I did send the letter, I don't know if I should have, it wasn't mean but it did let him know some of the anger I have but also a lot of the things that I wish I could have had the chance to work on. Who knows how long it will take for me to figure out my next step in regards to career, but maybe I'll have some type of epiphany or at least realize that there really isn't a right or wrong decision and that it's okay to make mistakes. Hmmm, I need to figure out a way to get to that point.
Yesterday, I also received an e-mail from Josh that made me feel all of that guilt all over again. I really did try to be a good wife and had he told me any of his thoughts and feelings before he left, I would have tried to improve. Today, in a random conversation a person I was talking to described what she thought would be a "crappy wife". Her three statements of what a crappy wife entailed are 3 of the long list of reasons that Josh thought I was never in the marriage. It's this stuff that makes me feel bad, even though I know that he has been able to move on, that he is already in a relationship, that he is having a good time and is the "happiest" he has ever been makes me feel horrible. I never wanted to hurt him and knowing I did tears me up inside and I'm not quite sure how to stop feeling that way.
I'm also reading the book Mid-life Crisis at 30. The book makes me go back to feeling like I wasn't a good life and doesn't make me feel all that great as they define success as making money in the corporate world. I'm a former teacher, have a Master's degree in a human services field and work in education. If I stay in education, I will never make a lot of money but that has also never been a priority of mine. I have done a lot of thinking about switching careers because I do need to make a little more than I make now if I want to be back on my own again and not at my parents (the sooner the better!) and I want to work in an environment where my skills are utilized, where I talk/see my boss more than once every few months, where there is opportunity to meet other people, to present ideas, to use my creativity, etc. If I could be a professional student the rest of my life, I would be elated but I can't actually do that for a job so I've been trying to set up some informational interviews to try and figure out my next step. As my soon to be ex-mother-in-law told me, my self-confidence has always been linked to my job and how successful I've been and I've been in a job where I have been depressed because of the lack of work and the solitariness of the job and know I need to find a switch, I'm just not quite sure what that means. Do I go back to school for an MBA so I can be at the management level, do I take a couple classes in Human Resources Development to tie in with my counseling degree and start looking at Organizational Leadership, do I take a year off and teach abroad while I try and figure out life, do I just stay where I'm at and take classes for fun, do I apply to random things and see what comes of it? I don't know but I do need to figure out something as I'm definitely not looking forward to tomorrow but I do have to think positively, at least I do have a job.
Who knows how long it will take for me to heal from Josh, I did send the letter, I don't know if I should have, it wasn't mean but it did let him know some of the anger I have but also a lot of the things that I wish I could have had the chance to work on. Who knows how long it will take for me to figure out my next step in regards to career, but maybe I'll have some type of epiphany or at least realize that there really isn't a right or wrong decision and that it's okay to make mistakes. Hmmm, I need to figure out a way to get to that point.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Family reunion & anger
Yesterday I went to a family reunion. It is not fun having to explain why Josh isn't with me. Every one was very nice but I felt bad because everyone else felt bad for asking. For a couple people, the last time I saw them was at my wedding. One in particular came up and gave me a great big bear hug and asked how married life was. I wasn't quite sure how to respond so I just said "not good" and he responded with "how come" and then my response was "Got a divorce". Probably not the best way to answer his question but I was so tired of being asked about why he wasn't there and when we would be moving again. I felt like a complete failure. Everyone in the family has been married for a long time and people don't get divorces because when one makes wedding vows, it is for life, no matter what it should be worked on (unless abuse is involved). I guess that's where I get my belief in the sanctity of marriage which makes it even more difficult for me. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason but I still get sad knowing I couldn't "save" my marriage. I was on the verge of crying the whole day but it through with out crying until I got home.
Today, I want to knock down the next person who tells me to "just get over it because it's over and done with". Especially coming from a couple of men who are in their thirties and haven't even dated. Well, one has dated and his relationship lasted 3 months. Once you've had a husband/wife leave you without any warning and then not give you any chance to work on things and you are able to "just get over it". Then, come talk to me. Otherwise, don't tell me to start dating and definitely don't tell me to "just get over it". You are just making me like men in general even less. Don't tell me that I don't want to heal and that you can't understand why someone wouldn't want to start dating right away. Have you seen me? Would it be right to date someone when my heart isn't even it and when all I would be doing is comparing the person to Josh? Would it be fair to me to rush myself and put myself in the spot for a rebound relationship when those are known to by awful. I don't think so. Once you go to school and have your psychology degree, then you can explain to me why it's wrong that studies, counselors, pastors, say that the average amount of time to heal from a divorce is three years, that a rebound relationship has a 5 per cent chance of lasting, and why people say divorce can feel worse than a death of a spouse. Once you can truly and knowledgeably dispute those factors, then I will listen to you but as of now, it's just making me even more angry. After you've spent nine years with someone and have given them your heart and soul, planned the future, planned kids, have become a part of his/her family and then lost it all because you weren't a "good" wife or husband and you are able to "get over it", then you can tell me to get over it.
I'm really tired of people telling me to get over it. The divorce still isn't finalized. I still do miss Josh, I still do wish I could go back in time to change things. I still wish I could turn off the on/off switch for emotions. I know I can't do those things and I am trying to do better, it's just that with the events of the past couple weeks and the year anniversary of moving back, it makes me miss Josh even more and then it makes me angry knowing that he's with someone else.
Today, I want to knock down the next person who tells me to "just get over it because it's over and done with". Especially coming from a couple of men who are in their thirties and haven't even dated. Well, one has dated and his relationship lasted 3 months. Once you've had a husband/wife leave you without any warning and then not give you any chance to work on things and you are able to "just get over it". Then, come talk to me. Otherwise, don't tell me to start dating and definitely don't tell me to "just get over it". You are just making me like men in general even less. Don't tell me that I don't want to heal and that you can't understand why someone wouldn't want to start dating right away. Have you seen me? Would it be right to date someone when my heart isn't even it and when all I would be doing is comparing the person to Josh? Would it be fair to me to rush myself and put myself in the spot for a rebound relationship when those are known to by awful. I don't think so. Once you go to school and have your psychology degree, then you can explain to me why it's wrong that studies, counselors, pastors, say that the average amount of time to heal from a divorce is three years, that a rebound relationship has a 5 per cent chance of lasting, and why people say divorce can feel worse than a death of a spouse. Once you can truly and knowledgeably dispute those factors, then I will listen to you but as of now, it's just making me even more angry. After you've spent nine years with someone and have given them your heart and soul, planned the future, planned kids, have become a part of his/her family and then lost it all because you weren't a "good" wife or husband and you are able to "get over it", then you can tell me to get over it.
I'm really tired of people telling me to get over it. The divorce still isn't finalized. I still do miss Josh, I still do wish I could go back in time to change things. I still wish I could turn off the on/off switch for emotions. I know I can't do those things and I am trying to do better, it's just that with the events of the past couple weeks and the year anniversary of moving back, it makes me miss Josh even more and then it makes me angry knowing that he's with someone else.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
No more tears please!
I thought I had done pretty well this weekend. I had only cried for a little amount of time this weekend, that is until this morning. For some unknown reason, every Sunday when I am on my way to church I spend the entire car ride crying and thinking about Josh. I feel guilty for the things that he said I did to hurt him, then I get mad for feeling guilty since I had no idea what I was doing was hurting him, then I get mad for how this all happened. It's the same every Sunday. On Saturday evening I was actually looking forward to church because it was the annual church picnic at the bandshell. Every summer, the churches from around the lake community host a Sunday at the the bandshell at one of the lakes. It is nice because every Sunday people can bike, walk, jog, bring their dogs and worship at the lake. This is the only time I've gone since the church I attend was leading it and I really like the sermons. After today, I've been thinking maybe it would be good to go to the other services as well so then I could save some gas money by bringing Dora and not having to drive 35 minutes back to get her and then to come back into the city to walk around the lakes. The reason I was excited to go to church today was because I thought since it would be outside and a different environment and not in the church where we got married that for once I would not cry on my way to church and in the service. On my way to church, I was a complete basketcase. Once I arrived and walked to the bandshell I was able to wipe away the tears. Well, until later in the afternoon.
A friend of mine had invited me to see Shakespeare in the Park this afternoon on the roof of one of the Pubs downtown. I was really excited to go because it was free and I had heard the play was suppose to be hilarious. It's the compeat works of Shakespeare the abridged version. The three actors perform all 37 plays in 97 minutes. My friend told me she was bringing another friend. Cool, I get nervous around new people but I do enjoy meeting new people. Well, as we were talking it comes out that the other girl is an intern at my friends work. She was talking about her classmates so I asked where she was going and what she was studying. Turns out she is one of Josh's classmates and was on the Brand Enterprise team he was on 2nd semester. Also, turned out that her and I had met at a charity auction the school put on. It was quite awkward though to hear about how great Josh is, how he's the life of the party, and such a great addition to CSOM. I tried to play it cool but I don't think it worked very well. I was hearing about all of these events where I would have loved to be able to attend, I was hearing about other things that would have been nice to hear from Josh. While talking to her, I really started to miss Josh. I do wonder if he ever does think about me in a positive way and I hope he does but with all of his anger towards me I just don't know if does. I miss him because he was truly my best friend and he said I was his and now he doesn't even talk to me. I still don't understand the whole situation and probably never will.
So I tried to be as cordial as possible and tried to put on the happy face once again, until.....
I drive home to pick up my dad because were were suppose to go out together as he has been hounding me for not being at home and not asking him to go with me when I go out. So tonight, we had made plans to go to this cool motor lounge that I thought he would enjoy. It was getting close to the time he was to be home and I get a phone call from my sister who happened to be in the truck with my father and now we are no longer going. I'm fine with this because now I am also worried about my sister because of what happened. My dad had to drive a little over an hour to pick my sister up at her house since her and her fiance only have one vehicle. Well, it turns out that my suspicions of some things regarding my sister's relationship were unfortunately true. Now I know my suspicions are true, i am very worried about my sister and I don't quite know how to help. I also really wanted to call Josh because these are the things I would talk to him about and he would be candid and now I can't even talk to him because we no longer have even a friendship. I guess this is what hurts the most is how he use to talk about how happy he was to be married to his best friend and than he could just dispose of me as if I was nothing. At times, I do wonder if he ever thinks of me in a positive light but I'm guessing probably not since he has so much pent up anger towards me. I don't know maybe one day I'll see this was all for the best, who knows what lies ahead. Hopefully this has and will make me stronger and hopefully one day I won't hurt anymore. Just have to keep going day by day, I guess.
A friend of mine had invited me to see Shakespeare in the Park this afternoon on the roof of one of the Pubs downtown. I was really excited to go because it was free and I had heard the play was suppose to be hilarious. It's the compeat works of Shakespeare the abridged version. The three actors perform all 37 plays in 97 minutes. My friend told me she was bringing another friend. Cool, I get nervous around new people but I do enjoy meeting new people. Well, as we were talking it comes out that the other girl is an intern at my friends work. She was talking about her classmates so I asked where she was going and what she was studying. Turns out she is one of Josh's classmates and was on the Brand Enterprise team he was on 2nd semester. Also, turned out that her and I had met at a charity auction the school put on. It was quite awkward though to hear about how great Josh is, how he's the life of the party, and such a great addition to CSOM. I tried to play it cool but I don't think it worked very well. I was hearing about all of these events where I would have loved to be able to attend, I was hearing about other things that would have been nice to hear from Josh. While talking to her, I really started to miss Josh. I do wonder if he ever does think about me in a positive way and I hope he does but with all of his anger towards me I just don't know if does. I miss him because he was truly my best friend and he said I was his and now he doesn't even talk to me. I still don't understand the whole situation and probably never will.
So I tried to be as cordial as possible and tried to put on the happy face once again, until.....
I drive home to pick up my dad because were were suppose to go out together as he has been hounding me for not being at home and not asking him to go with me when I go out. So tonight, we had made plans to go to this cool motor lounge that I thought he would enjoy. It was getting close to the time he was to be home and I get a phone call from my sister who happened to be in the truck with my father and now we are no longer going. I'm fine with this because now I am also worried about my sister because of what happened. My dad had to drive a little over an hour to pick my sister up at her house since her and her fiance only have one vehicle. Well, it turns out that my suspicions of some things regarding my sister's relationship were unfortunately true. Now I know my suspicions are true, i am very worried about my sister and I don't quite know how to help. I also really wanted to call Josh because these are the things I would talk to him about and he would be candid and now I can't even talk to him because we no longer have even a friendship. I guess this is what hurts the most is how he use to talk about how happy he was to be married to his best friend and than he could just dispose of me as if I was nothing. At times, I do wonder if he ever thinks of me in a positive light but I'm guessing probably not since he has so much pent up anger towards me. I don't know maybe one day I'll see this was all for the best, who knows what lies ahead. Hopefully this has and will make me stronger and hopefully one day I won't hurt anymore. Just have to keep going day by day, I guess.
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