and boy it does! This week has been quite eventful for me. On my way to work on Monday, my brakes in my car went out. I'm thinking I should probably take some type of automotive class so I can learn how to prevent this stuff before it happens. Luckily, I was pretty close to the automotive store so I kind of skidded on in to the shop. Apparently, the back rotors were completely shot and they needed to get the parts in from the warehouse. They estimated it would take 3-4 hours, it ended up taking six hours. I spent a majority of the time sitting in the waiting room working on my homework. Yep, I was the only one in the waiting room working on homework :) Not a lot of restaurants or coffee places were near the shop,however there was a Red Robin across the street so around 11:00, I decided to head on over for a bit of lunch. I know quite a few people who actually do enjoy going out to eat by themselves, I am not one of them. I brought my laptop, accounting book, calculator and homework assignments to work on while I was eating. The waiter was quite friendly and gave me a table with a lot of room to spread my belongings. After an hour and a half at Red Robin and working on homework, I headed back to the shop and waited a few more hours. To me, it was a blessing in disguise. it was Monday and I had plans for Tuesday evening so I took advantage of the extra time to prepare for my accounting test which was scheduled for Wednesday and I did not feel prepared for the test at all. Due to the brakes going out, I had to call in to work on Monday because I obviously couldn't make it which gave me all the time to study and feel much more prepared. I'm not too sure how I did on the test, but I do know I did better than I would have had the brakes not gone out on the car.
Then, on Thursday I was sitting at my lonely office in one of my departments drinking some orange juice when the klutz in me came out, again. I still don't know exactly what happened but somehow I hit the orange juice bottle and it spilled all over my work laptop! Crap, crap, crap (well a little more explicit terms) was all I could think. I picked up the laptop, drained some of the orange juice. Umm, I have never seen so much liquid come out of a computer. Okay, let me rephrase, I've never seen liquid come out of a computer and the orange juice just kept dripping, and dripping and dripping. I thought it would never stop! But, I did not want to call the tech guy because I was petrified of getting in trouble so I texted a good IT friend of mine who gave me a few pointers but then he had to go into work. After completing all of the tasks he told me, still nothing was working. I was in my office balling my eyes out yet again. Why do I have to be so dang sensitive? I debated and debated; Josh is on the same campus as I am and he could fix it- do I call? No. I did text him, though and just asked if a laptop is salvagable if orange juice is spilled all over the keyboard. Honestly, I was not expecting him to text back. Within two minutes, he responded with a text and he gave me some additional pointers. The text message also stated "I stll haven't sent the files, I'll send them this week. Sorry......". I've been kindly asking and patiently waiting for these files since June! My patience is starting run very, very thin. These files will help me re-do some of my grad school applications; if I decide to pursue more schooling. I'm a little nervous, too, because the letter he wrote is in there and I honestly have no idea what to expect. I'd like to see just a short apology for how he handled the circumstance, but I'm afraid it's going to be more of the "list" of reasons on why he believed I was never in the marriage in the first place. And, honestly I don't know if I can handle any more of the "list".
It's been 9 months since he decided not to come home and sent me a text message stating he wasn't come home. It's been 5 months since he said he wanted to go our seperate ways. 3 1/2 months since the very nasty e-mail that stated he supported me for three years, put up with my family, stood by me while he was depressed in CT and I didn't do anything about it (I didn't know and I would ask him!), stood by while he felt as though he was my last priority, and that he thought I thought he was a crazy womanizing alcoholic. That e-mail along with the "list" still pops up in my mind quite often and it's very difficult because I still feel horrible for unintentionally hurting him.
It's been 2 months since the divorce was finalized and I'm still not back to 100 per cent. I still feel adrift since I have no idea what I want to do with my life, do I go back to school? Do I try to teach abroad? Do I stay at my parents and try to save money? Do I get a new job that makes a little more money? Do I apply for jobs that don't have a good salary but will be very rewarding? If I'm going to go back to school I need to sign up for the exams and get my applications in but since I don't know what I want to actually do, do I wait a year and try to figure it out, but then I'll be 32 and some would see that as "old" to go back to school. All I know is that I really need to stop distracting myself with so many activities and actually start to try to work on "me". Selfish, I know, but sometimes it has to be done.
The third thing that happened this week is something that hurt the absolute most. A person, who I considered a very good friend, is getting married at the end of October in a different state. In July, he had asked if I would come to the wedding even if Josh came. I said "of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world". He then said, "great! I was hoping you would but I wasn't sure. I'll make sure to send an invitation to both of you". For the past seven weeks, I would call once or twice a week to try and check in and see how things were going but would never get a response. This was a person that I use to talk to 4, 5, 6, times a week. When the whole Josh fiasco happened, I made sure not to say much to him because he was good friends with both of us and I didn't him to feel as though he was in middle. We was also the only person that Josh said we didn't have to split. I thought not getting any response from him was a bit strange but I just chalked it down to him being busy. Then, a couple friends of mine started asking if I had booked my ticket yet for the wedding and I said "no, I never got an invitation". 2 + 2 started to be added in my head.
I knew another friend had been talking to this particular friend so I asked if he would ask our friend if he was mad at me, or what, just so I would know. I was looking forward to that particular wedding, but wasn't mad about not getting an invitation- I was just concerned that I might have done something wrong to make him mad at me. Well, the friend talked to our friend who said he had decided not to send an invitation to either Josh or I because he wanted to distance himself from the entire situation and he wanted stay away from both of us for awhile. This absolutely crushed me, this person was in our wedding, we went camping with him, he came out to visit us a couple times in Connecticut, when we were both in grad school, even though we were thousands of miles apart, we would talk at least every other day for at least an hour. What I was really upset about was that he didn't even have the guts to tell me himself.
A few weeks ago, I had written a short e-mail just saying, I've been trying to get a hold of you to make sure everything is okay, see how your new job is going, how the wedding plans are going, and how your mom is. I haven't heard from you for awhile and just want to make sure I didn't do anything to uspet you or your fiance". I never got any response back. Here's a person who I had always believed to be a true friend, someone who stands by you no matter what and I had to find out through another friend that he needs to distance himself. It also made me wonder what Josh must have been telling him when they were talking, because I tried to make very sure that I never said anything negative to this friend because I knew they were still friends.
On Saturday, I was out dancing and ran into another friend of this friends, who asked if I had bought my ticket yet for the wedding. I wasn't quite sure how to respond so all I said is "no". He then asked how come and I said "I'm not able to go". He then said, "but you were so excited!". So, I finally decided to tell him and just said our friend decided it would be best not to invite either Josh or I to the wedding. Then, this friend said "you want to be my guest, seriously?" Of course, I would love to go but I'm not going to do that when I know the friend getting married doesn't want me there. It just sucks that divorce affects so much more than just the two people involved. I never in a million years would have thought that I would lose this friend because of a divorce. It's kind of ironic because one of the friend's Josh was adament on getting to keep still talks to me, though he has to do it on the sly. Yet, the one that stood his ground won't have anything to do with either of us. He once stated, "if you and Josh can't make it, I have lost hope in all marriages". Sometimes, I wonder if that had anything to do with his decision to distance himself from both of us.
I'm off to a harvest festival and then a concert but I've been debating on not going as I probably really should sit down and figure life out.
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