Running away

Over the past 3 weeks, I've managed to keep myself busy pretty much every hour of the day, without getting much sleep. I really enjoy being around the people I've met and being with friends. Yet, at the same time I know that it's partly due to my "running away" from reality. Even though it's been quite a while since Josh left and a few months since the divorce was finalized, I still think about the relationship and everything that I could have done better- especially if I'm not doing anything so essentially the busy-ness is my running away. This week, I went punk rock bowling, church group, class, karaoke after class, an event, a get together, glass bowling, out and about and haven't even had a chance to do my homework which I'll get to tonight. I'm still seeing my counselor which helps quite a bit, yet I think I'm going to try to go to a DivorceCare group. A couple new friends attend one and say that it has been quite benificial to be around people who have the same fears as others.

I'm also still quite a bit mad, as the files that Josh was suppose to send in June still haven't been sent. After a little fiasco at work, last week, where I accidentally spilled orange juice on my work laptop and fried it- I had texted Josh because I didn't know quite what to do and he's a computer guy. I wasn't really expeciting a response and he actually did respond and then also put in there that he hasn't sent the files out yet, but that he is going to. Um, I still don't have them and it is getting quite frustrating.

Also, due to my frying laptop, I'm starting to use my very old laptop that Ihaven't even opened since last Thanksgiving because we were having problems with it. Today, I turned it on and my journals were still open on the computer. The journals were from the beggining of our marriage until last November. Some were talking about the difficulty I was having adjusting to Connecticut. But, most of the others were talking about how lucky I was to be married to such a wonderful person and all of the little things that Josh would tell me throughout the day. It still confuses me, I don't know how you can just decide to walk out on a marriage but I'm starting a new chapter. I'm still petrified to enter into another relationship because I don't know what to believe. I'm not planning on trying to date for quite a while because I need to heal. I know that quite a few people jump into another relationship and into the dating world right away (ahem, like Josh), but I can't. I know I need to work on my issues and my ability to trust again.