"Take the good, you take the bad"

"You take the good,
You take the bad,
You take them both and there you have the facts of life.
The facts of life.

There's a time you gotta go and show
You're growin' now,
You know about the facts of life.
The facts of life.

When the world never seems,
To be living up to your dreams.
And suddenly you're finding out,
The facts of life are all about you.
All about you.
You-u-u-u,
A-ll about you.
It takes a lot to get em right,
But you're learnin the facts of life.
Learnin the facts of life."

Do you remember this show? It was one of my favorites, and probably still is my fav tv show. Lessons upon lessons learned that at one time could be related to real life. Looking back, doesn't it seem as if life was much simpler during that period of time? Smurfs, Care Bears, Growing Pains, Rainbow Brite, GI Joe, Mr. T and after school specials are random things that I miss. Especially now that I have listened to the music my much younger sister is akin to listen to and sing. Growing up then seems to have been much easier than with all of the choices that teenagers are faced with now. These may seem to all be rambling but in my head, they do have a point and all come together somehow, though I'm not really sure how to explain the connections.

It's true that I am now 30, but I still feel like I have quite the growing pains. This past week, has been quite rough and I keep telling myself it will get better- just not quite sure when or how. Once again, I cried my entire way to work (which took my one hour 7 minutes in the car plus my twenty minute walk). For some reason unbeknown st to me, the feelings of guilt have arised yet again. As I'm walking to work, over the bridge I'm reminded about a day Josh and I had spent exploring campus- it was really hot out and I was a bit cranky and asked to go home because I was hot, hungry, sweaty and thirsty. Plenty of days like that came up and I do wish I could go back and fix those to not have been so cranky and to have been more spontaneous and fun. Additionally, the course I'm taking reminds me of him and his pursuits and again I want to go back in time to be able to better show him that I did support his dreams and did know his dreams and goals. I'd also like to turn back the clock to when we moved to Connecticut and back here and to have not been as depressed as I was in order to show him "the old me" or as in his words "the one I fell in love with". It doesn't matter as for as far as my knowledge, he has a girlfriend and has moved on with his life so I really should no longer care. Yet, that isn't quite how my heart and brain work.

Speaking of the brain, I am definitely getting challenged in the undergraduate course I am taking. I figured after grad school, an undergrad course would be simple. Man, was I wrong. The class itself isn't hard or that much work to partake in, it's just that I'mhaving a difficult time remembering the equiations and making sure tha tI have debits and credits right. For the next few days, I think I'll be dreaming about debits, credits, t- accounts, and journal entries. The first of six quizzes is next Wednesday and I really want an A so tomorrow night I will hav eot block out sometime to study. Saturday, I won't be able to since I will be attending a wedding. I'm a little nervous and I'm wondering if this wedding is possibly one of the many reasons I've been unusually sad. This will be first wedding I will attend as a "single" person and I am sure many memories will come back, many from our own wedding and weddings that we have been to; it also doesn't help that the wedding is in a close town of the school where I completed my undergrad (where most of the time was spent with Josh). It will be a very challenging experience as I don't know anyone going but I'm hoping it will also make me stronger.

Anyone in the medical field want to explain to me why I just recieved a bill from an appointment I had two years ago with a doctor in Connecticut? Another surprise that doesn't help ease the pain at all. Even though, I think we should all be done very soon!

All right, I think I've rambled enough today.

The year from Hell turns into the day from Hell

I try not to swear, I try not to drink too much, I try to be kind and open to every one I meet, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and today I just want to go crawl into a closet with some wine, swear a bit and hide until December. Today started off normal, I thought it would be a little better than yesterday but boy was I wrong. Mid-morning I get a call from my life insurance saying they had just talked with "joshua" and wanted to talk to me regarding my policy and the divorce. Out of the blue, but I thought I handled it okay. Then, I got a call from my own landlord finding out that Josh never sent in the check he told me that he sent. Last week, I got an e-mail from Josh stating that he had forgotten to send the check but that he was sending it right away so if I got a call from the landlord, not to return it. I thought that meant Josh would have sent it last week. Instead, I get a call from the landlord saying "I need to speak with you right away regarding going to court". Wtf, great just what I need. So, Josh rarely answers e-mails to me right away so I decide to send a text message saying "Sorry to bother you, but the landlord left a message about court, did you send the check in and if you did, when?" Of course, I still haven't gotten a reply. I don't want to call the landlord back until I have a frickin clue of what is going on. Then, I get a note from a student who doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions and is trying to place the blame on me. Fun, fun. Yesterday, I was pulled over and didn't have my proof of insurance with me. When I got home today, I ransacked my car and the house and can not find the envelope that has the card. I need to send it in tomorrow so I am now quite frustrated. At work, I sent a co-worker a letter to edit for me and my lone co-worker sent it back and put my hyphenated name back in it. Again, wtf? I'm already sad about the whole divorce, wish it never would have happened, wish I could go back in time and fix things but I can't. All I want, is for these stupid little reminders to stop coming up because I already do it enough to myself as when I ran to the moa today get my ex-sister-in-law a b-day present and passed Lane Bryant and then remembered the story of Josh trying to go in and get advice of what type of clothes to buy my for a Christmas present. They asked him to describe my size and they end up laughing at him because he's in the wrong store. Silly things like that pop up in my head and I need to work on not letting it bother me but so many other things had already popped up that it just seemed to fit with the pattern of the day.

Enough complaining for now, I'm going to go see if I can find that darn insurance card and a nuevo trabajo

Weekend

Wow, this past weekend I got nothing I wanted accomplished finished. Five goals were on my list for the weekend: find jobs to apply to, apply for jobs, look for a place to live, set up showings, and have fun. One out of the five were completed: having fun! Over the weekend, I ate at a new restaurant with lots of new friends (which sometimes I wish Josh could see as he thought I was to shy and not outgoing), went to two new bars, polka'd, grape stomped, toured a winery, watched an excellent community theater production, met up with a friend after church. Sunday wasn't too good though, cried all the way through church, in church and after church. Was pulled over for speeding which I actually try not to do but after this summer one would never guess I usually don't speed, went to b-day party for my cousin where I just found out it was his birthday, went on a nice long walk with two dogs and a friend, and then tried to contemplate the purpose of life. So many things to ponder and pursue.

Finally!

Silly me, I finally figured out how to post an image! This is a pic of my latest tattoo. Each tattoo I have represents something significant in life and this one (like many other people who have one similar) signifies a change. Originally, I wanted a caterpillar turning into a butterfly but that was kind of hard to get. Oh, and it was suppose to be much smaller. Though, I am quite happy with the result. It's also quite fun surprising people as most would not guess that I have 3 tattoos (let alone 1!)When I went to get this particular one, the tattoo artist also stated "you must love roses!". I responded with "um, not really". She then pointed out that each one of my tattoos has at least one rose on it. Very interesting, I remember when I got my first tattoo, the point was to represent peace and love so I got dove carrying a rose on it's wing. I do like roses but my favorite is a carnation: simple, last long, and a variation of colors.

Other than that, not a lot new. It has been extremely busy with 1/2 of my job. It would be perfect (and much needed) if they would move me from 50 per cent to 100 per cent in that specific office. I left so much work on my desk tonight (and I was even there until 9:00 at night!). I've never been one to leave work for the next day, which actually won't be until Monday because I'm in the other department tomorrow but I figured I was exhausted and it would be best to wait rather than not do a good job.

On my walk to work (after an hour and 10 minute commute today!), I just started thinking random thoughts about life and started balling. I was doing so well with not crying but I figure each day will bring something new and there will always be reminders of the marriage and his family so I just have to start getting use to it and buck up.

Oh yah, and a note to self: watch weather forecast or at least bring an umbrella to work so you don't end up like a wet rat if a freak storm shows up.

Dr. Doo Little is back. All of the animals are trying to type a bit.

Observations from Dr. Doo Little

A Doberman, Italian Greyhound Mix, 2 large cats and a person = not very much room on a futon and hard to sleep!

14 year old sister = trying to figure out what in the world emo means

27 year old brother on a softball team = giving my number out to people i don't know

Class with undergrads = many students trying to text on the sly (which is quite annoying to those nerdy ones like myself who would like to actually pay attention during class)

Big Dog + Little Dog = little dog trying to show who's boss while laying on my feet!
yikes, now on my arms (makes it difficult to type!)
Accounting professor = William H Macy

Job = need a new one

Phone = missing friends

E-mail from Josh = missing Josh yet also reminiscing about how he left which then makes me quite upset.

un mensaje a una persona = no mensaje de una persona = alguna persona fue correcto y creo que tiene una novia

Favorite morning talk show = not my favorite any more (okay, not really- it still is my favorite talk show) This morning when I turned the radio on, they were talking about a book which delves further into our divorce rates and they were discussing the theories on why of the 50 percent of marriages that end in divorce, over 80 percent are filed by the woman. Studies have showed varying results, yet even though the discussion was good, it made me feel lousy once again since I'm in the small percentile who were "left" and that I couldn't keep my marriage alive. Those of you that know me, know I would have done anything to make it work. Looking back, it's probably for the best, but there are still days like today when I'm listening to that program or sitting in a class where they are talking about CSOM where it makes me miss Josh or wish that we could have had a "cleaner" separating of the ways.

students back on campus = half my job being fun

sensitive person = crying re trabajo

phone call to friend in california, connecticut and arizona = miss friends dearly

no return phone call from an old friend = very, very worried person

early morning, late night = tired person

good mood, bad mood, good mood, bad mood

Isn't it funny how sometimes just the smallest little thing can set you off. I've always considered myself pretty even tempered but today the tiniest thing got me irate and it is something that shouldn't have. My plan for the evening was to sit back, peruse the ads for an apartment (which I found a super cute one but I need to call to see if it is taken already), job hunt (which I never even got around to), and read a good book (since after tomorrow I won't have time to pleasure read). A little after 7:30 my mom came to tell me that her and my dad were going to my brother's softball games and it would be nice if I came. After debating in my head for a while, I told her that I would come but just for the first game and that I would drive my self and bring Dora. The game went fine and my brother did great as usual. Once at the game my mom asked if her and the other dog could ride with me and I said of course. Well, it turns out they hadn't eaten yet (surprise, surprise) so we drove all around town trying to find fast food her and my sister. We also didn't leave until 9:15.... I know it is something that shouldn't bother me at all, but a couple things ticked me off. One, my mom is trying to lose weight and eating after 9:00 isn't quite that healthy, two my little sister should have a decent meal before 10:00 at night (which is when we got home, three I was tired and cranky and just wanted to be in my bed working on job applications (selfish, yes I know).

Cross your fingers that I can find an apartment soon, even with my above complaint, I really do love my family but I really do miss being able to go home, curl up on the couch, read a good book, without any loud music and with having more than a half of a room to do this in. Plus, my animals would like it because they wouldn't be confined to a half of room anymore. That is probably the worse thing about being here; I really feel sorry for the animals.

Other than that, today I realized why I work in higher ed. It was the first day of school and it is so fun to see all of the students bright eyed and bushy tailed or super nervous or flirting with his/her new classmates. It is much like a social experiment and is amazing to watch. Oh, and this morning I was working walk-in hours and a person came in who looked very familiar and said "profe williams?, it's my chu cho" It was one of my star students from my first year of teaching! It was so great to see him all grown up.

Tomorrow, I start my first accounting class. Lots of people have made fun of me saying you have two bachelor's and a master's, why in the world are you taking a class? When I respond "for fun", then they look at me like I'm even more insane yet I figure it's a good skill to have, it's free (I just have to pay for books and student fees) so why not gain some knowledge in this field, and who knows maybe I'll like it and I'll know my next career goal.

Cross the fingers about the apartment!

Trying to figure out how to post the newest tattoo up.

Weather

It's a beautiful day today and I'm guessing that I will probably procrastinate once again on the items I really shouldn't be procrastinating on such as finding a place to live and figuring out what I really want to do with my life. My job is not what I would like it to be and I really didn't see myself being here for a whole year; that year is now creeping up on me. Though, it is my fault because I didn't try as hard as I should have over the summer because I was making sure that I had some fun. Now, I am regretting that little piece. Oh well, that is what life is about, right?

Last night I went to a singles pool party which was a lot of fun. Although, I did get asked 6 times, why a girl like me is single. Honestly, I don't really understand the question. Lots of single people have various reasons for being single. I don't know how to respond to the question but it was nice meeting new people and being able to swim at least once this summer.

This weekend has also been hard in a way. Labor Day weekend Josh and I would pack Dora up and head out to Waupaca to visit his family. This is a weekend I always looked forward to, even though he would disagree and say because I wasn't bouncing up and down that that meant I wasn't having any fun. Some people may think I am crazy but I really do miss his family; I never really got the chance to say bye to his grandparents who I absolutely adored, his sister stopped e-mailing me out of the blue, and his mom stopped talking to me. It gets better every day but there are still some days where it is just really hard, especially when I hear people talk about marriages and the future. Then, I think back to the night where I got the text message. It still doesn't seem right and I still wonder if there are ever any times where he regrets how he handled things; not necessarily the separation or the divorce but the actual way he acted. I guess it's one thing I will never know.

It is a beautiful day out and I'm going to go try to enjoy it a little bit and then come back and get myself to work on cleaning my room, apartment hunting, and job hunting.