Tax time!

Tax time is not a favorite time of year for many people, I am assuming. For the first year, I am really not happy with tax time. As usual, I procrastinated and with the divorce from last year- I really should not have procrastinated so long. When we moved back and I first got my job, we thought long and hard about what deductions to take out to get the best return. Well, since our divorce wasn't finalized until late July- I wasn't able to change the deductions until I had the paper work the first week of August. Well, because we had decided to take out more deductions and I wasn't able to change it until late in the year, I now owe a lot to the government since I am considered single :( Definitely not very happy with this situation. When we were deciding the deductions, I should have been more careful and not have just believed what he said, but you live and learn right? Somehow, I need to find a way to make more money to get out of the debt I was left with and get the savings back that I had before we were married.

Okay, I guess that is enough complaining for now.

Work has actually gotten a lot better, though I've been working way too much for the amount that I am paid. But, I get to see people grow, see the cliche "light bulb" click, and hopefully make a positive impact on people's lives. There are still often times that I think it might be nice to work in only one department and have true co-workers, and a boss I see more than often than I do now. Yet in this economy, I just need to be happy that I actually have a job :) And, it's been insane busy which is good too.

On to the dating front. After being out of the dating world for so long- I am so confused. I've been dating, not seriously, the same person for 3 months now. We are quite opposite and many people notice and feel they need to say something as they don't want to see me hurt again. I completely understand and am thankful for the caring, but it makes it quite difficult to be back in the "game" again. For myself, I made sure not to get into a rebound relationship and took a year off from dating. The guy I am seeing waited 9 months to ask me out- but our opposite qualities are quite different. People would say that I am good natured with big heart where people and him included say that he is mean spirited. He's actually had a couple people send him e-mails stating he needs to be nicer to me or he'll lose me. I don't really agree with people meddling into other's business. I do like him, a lot, otherwise we wouldn't be exclusively dating. Yet, at the same time- I still wonder if it would be better to swear off dating for a long time. Many of my friends are of the male species and I enjoy hanging out and learning from them, but I think from having the majority of my friends as males and learning the male view on dating, maybe I am not meant for the dating world. Who knows, just take each day as it is, correct?

So, on to a funny part of my day. Those of you that personally know me, know that I am probably the most uncoordinated person around. This morning, I was shaving and could not figure out why my right shin was green and blue (this happens often). Well, then I remembered that last night, a friend picked me up to go bowling but he has a large truck and I am a fairly small person. I kept having trouble getting into the truck so he shows me the handles to use to get up. So, after bowling I go to get into the truck pull on the handles, all full of confidence, just to slip on foot rest, slide down the side of his truck and slam my shin on the metal! Ouch, and now my leg looks like a little child's drawing. Hopefully, it will go away before our waterpark event in a few weeks.

Coffee shop is closing!

Time has flown by....

Wow, it's been a while since I've written in here and I would like to say it is because things have gotten much better. It's been a little better, but not quite as much as I had hoped. The dang accounting class kicked my butt, and I spent quite a bit of time studying and not staying in contact with friends. On Friday, I had six text messages from friends saying they thought he/she were on the low priority of friends last. For pretty much all of December, every single day was taken up by studying....yep, some people thought I was crazy- going completely insane for a class that doesn't count towards anything and that I was taking for fun. I now know why people thought I was a little loony for taking an accounting class "for fun". My brain is not wired in that arena. I have no idea how, but the month of solitude helped me pull off a "b". Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be so excited for a B! All I know, is that I will not be stepping into an accounting class anytime in the near future.

Since my accounting class is over and I'm no longer a complete nutcase (yes, still a little tendencies but at least not 100 percent) i will be trying to get back in touch with my old friends that prior to December I was talking to on a regular basis (you guys know who you are and I am completley apologetic and truly sorry for not being able to catch up with you guys. Late today, I will be calling a bunch of you to catch up.

In terms of the divorce, I'm still trying to mend myself and I've realized it's going to take a lot more time than the alloted year. On December 15th, which was a year from the actual day that Josh decided never to return home, I spent the day at a pub crawl (josh would never picture me at one of those). It wasn't a typical get sloshed pub crawl, it was more of a spend your day with good friends while dressed up like reindeer- it was actually quite fun and I had one friend who spent the entire day with me. He was really kind and said that he knew this would be a tough day for me and wanted to be with me all the way until midnight.

The holidays were a lot easier than I thought they would be, I spent the time housesitting and on Christmas Eve spent the day trying to bake (accidentally almost burned down the house- backing/cooking- not one of my specialties and now I know of a dog that actually knows how to turn a stove on- not good, in my opinion). After lots of little freak-outs, I ended up going to a friends place, who is Jewish, and on Christmas Eve watches horror movies. A couple of us went over there to spend time with friends. Christmas day was spent with family and a good friend and New Year's was spent with family and lots of good friends. Even though, this past year has been a pretty awful experience, I'm still trying to learn from the experience and take away all of the positives such as the new friends I made and the old friends that I still have. In order to continue healing, I am beginning a DivorceCare class next Tuesday. I'm taking it with a couple of my "new" friends and am hoping it will help shed some light on things and help me in some areas that I definitely need some guidance, such as dating.

Speaking of dating, I told myself and I wouldn't date until December 15th and kept to that promise with the minor exception of the guy that I went on a few dates with and then ended up finding out he has a girlfriend. He and I have actually become quite good friends because of the instance, but that wasn't such a great experience and a way to get back in the dating world. After the 15th, a friend who asked back in July, took me on a wonderful date and we've been on quite a few since but there are so many things I don't understand. He told a couple good friends, and myself how interested he has been in me since we became friends and how happy he was that we were friends first but he says things that make me go hmmmmm....
One of the groups that I am involved in is a singles group, and last week in a conversation in regards to the group, h etold me I wasn't single, yet two days later in another conversation he says that he's inviting me to a vacation (that he actually invited to me before all of this "dating" stuff) as someone he is dating, but not seriously, though. I have no idea what to do, and he keeps talking about other potential interests. If we are not serious, I don't care but if he is classifying me as not single, then it is a different story. Unfortunately, I don't work that way, then on a different night, we went to meet some of his friends and after we left, he was quite frustrated with how quiet I am. I tried explaining to him, that's just who I am, but the conversation seemed just as though I was talking to Josh and wasn't fun enough or talkative enough again. Oh well, I tried and now know dating isn't for me and that I still have a lotof healing left,

Tomorrow, thought it is late in the game, I am going to start working on my new year's resolution (of course, one is similar to a lot of girls- lose weight!. I lost a lot of weight between the separation and divorce and have now gained it all back so this time, I would like to healthily lose the weight and tone up a bit. More resolutions for tomorrow.

First Thanksgiving

It's been quite awhile since I've written in here- things have been quite hectic as of late. Though, not much has changed. I'm still keeping busy which is unfortunately what I do when there are things that I really don't want to face- I end up running away. Every night and every day of the week, I have something going on and I tend not to get home until 1-3 am every morning (and no, I'm not out partying). The busy-ness does it make quite hard to find a place to live, especially when I'm already having a hard enough time with two cats and a dog.

My class is going all right, well, not as good as I would have hoped. Until the last two weeks, I was getting a B+,now I'm down to a C+. That would be my first C ever, and it scares me. Why in the world did I take an accounting class "for fun" and why did I take it for grade and not for audit? I have no idea, I think I had some marbles loose at the time.

In other aspects of my life, today is Thanksgiving which I had been dreading. It's the first one in ten years that I was not with Josh and one of only two that had not been celebrated with his family. I really wasn't sure how I would react and thought I would have probably spent the entire day crying; especially since my family is not very traditional and I miss the traditional meals and sitting and talking at the dinner table. Though, I was dreading the day- it ended up being all right- I took a very well needed three hour nap, spent some time playing Ligretto with my mother, sister-in-law and nephew, went to a movie with a good a friend and spent the majority of the day texting others. It's amazing how many people I have met just because of the separation/divorce with Josh and how incredible each of these people I have met are. Many of them are going through the same things, but they have kids which makes it even harder. My prayers go out to them as I know today was a rough day for many of them.

With Thanksgiving arriving, I was reminded of the letter that Josh's mom sent. It took me a good 2 weeks to finally open the envelope. I was so scared that there would be some mean comments that would make me feel even more guilty (which I am finally starting to overcome). Why I did this, I have no idea, I decided to open the letter while at work. Even though, I often complain about working by myself- I was very thankful in this instance. I ended up crying while working for a good three hours. In the letter she had apologized for waiting so long to write, but that it was very difficult for her because of how things ended and how she had hoped and thought that Josh and I would have been able to find our way back to each other. She had also stated that she had recently told Josh that she really believes there is a reason we were married for such a short time and that there was a reason we were in each other's lives. The part that meant the most to me was when she said that I would always have a special place in her heart. All of the tears flowed out of my eyes because of how heartfelt the letter was and how much I miss talking to her. I miss the casino days, I miss the talks about the future, I miss all of her teaching stories, and I miss her opinions. Someday, I hope we will be able to see each other agaign. The same wish I have for Josh. I'm finally starting to realize that he was probably right, we are quite different from each other and want different things out of life, but I do still miss him and hope that one day he can forgive me and that we can be friends again. Even though, I do miss him and would like to communicate- I have learned a lot over the past six months and have finally have been able to become the real me which unfortunately I hid a lot in the marriage.

It's getting late and my words are starting to be mumble jumble. I hope everyone had a great day today!

and so goes the worrying

For awhile I had been pretty proud of myself as I use to be a constant worry wart about the most random items. For the past five months, I had started to worry less. Until this weekend.

Energizer Bunny

Last night I was out with a couple of friends for a birthday party. These are people who have only known me since May. It was kind of nice because one of the people who I first met was telling me how he could see me change the past five months. What he doesn't know is that I'm finally starting to get back to my old self. When i first started these various groups, I was very down trodden, very sad, and just not in any way shape or form me. I still get sad quite a bit but it isn't as overwhelming as it was before. Another friend asked if I ever run out of energy because all I seem to do is go go go. I do get tired but all of the going going going keeps me distracted from thinking about the marriage and my part in the breakdown of the marriage and keeps me from being at home. I really do love my family and all, bu I miss my own place where i could just go and sit on the couch and read a good book with my cats and dog. But, I am going to be here for a while as I haven't saved up nearly as much as I would have liked to save thanks to the darn divorce.

Speaking of which, I finally received the files and guess what was in there?
Only the DVD! Admittedly, i was a bit bummed since a few weeks ago he said he was putting a sort of apology letter in there and I was looking forward to reading it becaue I thought it might help me realize that the fall out was not all completely my fault and that he doesn't think I am this awful, horrible human being. Nope, it was just the dvd. Not even a little post it note that said "hi- here's the dvd". Just the DVD. I know it shouldn't bother me but it still does, quite a bit actually. Wheni opened it and saw it was just the dvd, I cried quite a bit because I still don't understand how one can go through all of the things he did andI was hoping the letter would explain it. Oh well. All right, I have a lot of homework to catch up on as we have a quiz on Wednesday. I'm hoping that tonight I'll b eable to just stay in for a little while and not get convinced to do anything even though I know it is pretty unlikely.

Running away

Over the past 3 weeks, I've managed to keep myself busy pretty much every hour of the day, without getting much sleep. I really enjoy being around the people I've met and being with friends. Yet, at the same time I know that it's partly due to my "running away" from reality. Even though it's been quite a while since Josh left and a few months since the divorce was finalized, I still think about the relationship and everything that I could have done better- especially if I'm not doing anything so essentially the busy-ness is my running away. This week, I went punk rock bowling, church group, class, karaoke after class, an event, a get together, glass bowling, out and about and haven't even had a chance to do my homework which I'll get to tonight. I'm still seeing my counselor which helps quite a bit, yet I think I'm going to try to go to a DivorceCare group. A couple new friends attend one and say that it has been quite benificial to be around people who have the same fears as others.

I'm also still quite a bit mad, as the files that Josh was suppose to send in June still haven't been sent. After a little fiasco at work, last week, where I accidentally spilled orange juice on my work laptop and fried it- I had texted Josh because I didn't know quite what to do and he's a computer guy. I wasn't really expeciting a response and he actually did respond and then also put in there that he hasn't sent the files out yet, but that he is going to. Um, I still don't have them and it is getting quite frustrating.

Also, due to my frying laptop, I'm starting to use my very old laptop that Ihaven't even opened since last Thanksgiving because we were having problems with it. Today, I turned it on and my journals were still open on the computer. The journals were from the beggining of our marriage until last November. Some were talking about the difficulty I was having adjusting to Connecticut. But, most of the others were talking about how lucky I was to be married to such a wonderful person and all of the little things that Josh would tell me throughout the day. It still confuses me, I don't know how you can just decide to walk out on a marriage but I'm starting a new chapter. I'm still petrified to enter into another relationship because I don't know what to believe. I'm not planning on trying to date for quite a while because I need to heal. I know that quite a few people jump into another relationship and into the dating world right away (ahem, like Josh), but I can't. I know I need to work on my issues and my ability to trust again.

It's the little things in life....

Once again, many things that could go wrong, did go wrong today. Yesterday, was great- I headed out to an apple orchard, met some great new people, caught up with some old friends, played with a couple kids and then headed off to see an 80's cover band. The entire day was great, though I stayed out a little too late, again. Hmmm, and Josh said I was boring and would never go out. Just because I don't go out to get wasted, doesn't mean that I won't go out. Alcohol doesn't make things "more" fun. At least in my eyes.

I got home around 4:00 this morning and left for church at 9:00. Met up with a friend of mine from church and then we went out for Sunday tea. It's always fun meeting with her because she is very smart (graduated from Yale business school) and always has a great perspective on life. After meeting with her, my plan was to head to a coffee shop and apply for jobs and do study. Instead, on my way home, my windshiled wipers flew off (yes, literally), the lights (for the dashboard, clock and temperature went out (which would be fine except at night when you wouldn't be able to see the dashboard), and my car was starting to smell funny. I knew I had to get an oil change and I saw Valvoline straing ahead and decided to pull in to that shop. I didn't know they could change windshield wipers, too. When they did the all around check, I found out all of my tail lights and my brake light were out. I really didn't want to spend any more money so I asked if I could check. Sure enough, they were all out. I ended up spending 2 hours at Valvoline! Then, they referred me to another shop to get the electrical system checked out. I guess, after 7 years without problems, it's due time. It still kind of irks me that this really isn't even my car as Josh bought it as a graduation gift to himself when graduated college.

When I got home, after the car trouble, my mom and I took our dogs for a walk. When we came back in, I ran downstairs to check my e-mail. Not even, two minutes later my dad ran into the room saying he was going to kill Dora and she wasn't allowed in the house any more. I don't know what's wrong with my dog again. She went to the bathroom quite bit on our walk and then apparently she went to the bathroom in the house. Which, I don't understand why since she had gone not even 15 minute prior. The poor animal was getting yelled at and chased and scared out of my mind and she started to cower like she did when we first adopted her. It was pretty bad and I spend the next hour crying and being upset that Josh essentially left me with all of hte cats, dog, bills and that I'm struggling to get by on my measly paycheck. I'm living with my parentss but I'm still not saving very much and it frusttrates me know Josh was able to just pick up and get his own apartment one month after he left, he doesn't have to worry about how to pay the bills, or how to get out of his parent's house, have to worry about finding a place with animals, or even just sit and relax without worrying or feelind adrift. It's strange how little things like those can bring all of these emotions back to surface.

I had to take Dora out of the house for awhile because I was afraid of what was going to happen. On my way back, I stopped at Target to get cat food and I ended up leaving with cat food and Dora's Halloween costume. I'm such a dork, because it me smile a lot and she loves to wear costumes. Why? I have no idea, I chalk it p to being a unique dog. Right now, she's sleeping right next to me with the costume on.