uh oh

I can't seem to find my book- I really want to finish the book and then re-read it to complete the exercises. Take a break, deep breath and maybe I will be able to find it. Hopefully!

one step forward, two steps back

So, I wrote this morning and I was actually doing 1/2 way okay with the darn divorce and was extremely happy to get the small apology. Today, I procrastinated more (it's a wonderful skill :) and headed over to a park with my family for a picnic and then off to the Lake where I go on my Sunday walk with my dog. I was actually in a good mood when heading over to the lake until.....

I like to people watch so I'm always scouting to see what people bring and what they are doing at the lake. Pretty much when I first started walking, on one blanket near the lake was Josh and a beautiful blond girl; I'm assuming the woman is his girlfriend. They were all cuddly and kissy. I keep telling myself it isn't any of my business and I shouldn't care, but I do and it still hurts. Just seeing the way they were interacting: holding hands, peering into each other's eyes, small quick kisses mixed in with longer ones, just cuddling on the blanket and looking all lovey dovey, made it feel like there was a little dagger slowly piercing through my heart. I knew he moved on quite awhile ago but it's still not fun to see it with my eyes and now have a mental picture of "the woman". I don't know how long it will take me to get completely over the relationship, or if I ever will be able to get completely over the breakdown marriage.

Seeing the two together and how happy they seemed made me really wish I was able to get over it and just jump right back into dating, but I can't. Even though many people say I shouldn't still care about him, I do and I don't know if it will ever stop or how to get it to stop. Also, through books and counseling, and knowing who I am, I know that I need to take time to heal and figure out what it is I want out of life and what I am really suppose to do while here. Hopefully, I can start heading in the right direction soon and hopefully one day, when I see Josh with a girl acting all relationshipy, it won't bother me as much as it did today.

Surprise!

This weekend has been full of distractions. My goal was to sit and really try to figure life out. I look up to those people that know what his/her purpose in life is. I didn't get a chance to sit down and take a look at my life this weekend which I really need to start because if I do decide to go back to school, I need to sign up for the test, start the application process and get my information out there. People may think I am crazy, but I really do enjoy school. Too bad you can't get paid to be a professional student. A few weeks ago I took another career interest test, one that goes quite in depth and compares your answers with the 25th-75th percentile of people who truly enjoy his/her profession. My highest match was in law. This surprised me a bit because I don't really have the personality of a lawyer. Yet, I was talking with my counselor and he pointed out that most people when they think of a lawyer think of trial lawyers and there are so many other types of lawyers. My answers probably matched up so well in the non-profit arena. When I was younger, I did think about going to law school but decided against it because of the reasons stated above.

My list of possibilities now include: MBA, PhD (education, ESL), Teach Abroad or just keep doing what I am where I really am not happy. My mind keeps heading towards the MBA, probably for not the best reasons. I've always been involved in education and have made very little money. Before the marriage and the whole divorce, I never cared that I wouldn't make that much money. Now, that I still have some debt from the marriage and am trying to get back on my feet, I'm finding it very difficult to live on my salary. I thought I was being maybe a little pessimistic but in some talks with other people in my salary range at work, it was brought up that these people didn't understand how a single person could live on this salary. So, hence I've been thinking about the MBA because I would be able to utilize some of my other skills and would most likely be able to to make a little bit more money. On my current salary, I would not be able to own a house, get a newer car, go on random vacations, etc. Now, that it's just me these are things that I need to think about. This week is a little busy for me, but Thursday evening I plan on signing up for the classes, looking at schools and applying, most have November or December 1st deadlines for priority scholarship applications and I'd like to shoot for those. At the same time, I do wonder- am I too old to go back for my MBA without any business experience? I know there are a lot of career changers and such but I feel like I'm 30 and should have had things established by now. I went off on a different track for a while and now need to get back on the horse, and I guess I shouldn't worry about what other people would think- I just need to figure out what is best for me.

On the Josh front, I got a surprise e-mail from him yesterday. It's kind of ironic- for my church group we had to do an exercise where we talk to or write to someone who we've hurt (to ask for forgiveness), has hurt us (to forgive), and who to thank. Last week, I wrote a letter to Josh thanking him for what he taught me, asking for forgiveness for hurting him (unintentionally) and saying that even though I was (am) very hurt, shocked, and devastated by the whole experience that I did forgive him. I never sent it and planned on sending it on Friday (which I did). Yesterday, I got a n e-mail from Josh saying that he finally had a day free and was at his desk and realized he never sent out the DVD's with all of the files and pictures. He was going to send it this weekend and wanted to let me know there was a letter in there, too. He stated that his counselor said he should write it for him, and for me. In the e-mail he said that he still thinks about that night (when he decided not to come home and informed me through a text message) and that he was very sorry about how it happened, very sorry. Yet, he still believed that we are both in a better place (or will be) because of his choice.

It was a good e-mail, it's all I've really wanted lately, just an apology- he can't help how he felt but it's nice to know that he does realize there were better ways to handle his feelings. I'm nervous to get the letter as I know I will be a basket case again (yesterday, I cried all day after reading the our marriage). In his e-mail he asked me not to respond and I really wanted to respect his wishes, but I also wanted him to know that I had sent out the letter for my church group. I wanted him to know he didn't need to read it if he didn't want to but I wanted him to inform him the letter was coming (more for me, even though I know what he thinks should not matter anymore- I still wanted him to know it wasn't in response to his e-mail). The apology, though quick and just one sentence- it really meant a lot to me and maybe it will help me not feel as if the breakdown of the marriage was entirely my fault. I'm sure when I do get the letter, I will be on here rambling away, again.

The book

Dang, this book has a lot of good ideas. Now, the challenge is making sure to follow through on some of the suggestions. My goal is to read the book through once and then complete the questions at the end of each chapter. I'm not going through the questions now as I need to concentrate on studying but lots of good advice has been given throughout the chapters. The chapters I read tonight were on Anger, Letting Go, and Self-Worth- all areas I need a lot of work on. Quite bit stuck with me tonight, one in particular talked about making sure not to "run away" and that many people going through a divorce decide to take a new job and move to a new community to get a way from it all and to lesson the chance of running into the ex. The authors say it's okay to do this if you are doing something for yourself in terms of advancement (career or mentally). I do want to get away, but more because I haven't liked my job since I started and I want to do something that I will enjoy while still making a difference. This weekend, I decided I'm not going to do any of my original plans and am going to work on studying for my quiz, sending applications out and to sit and really think about what it is I want to do, whether it be go back to school (if I was a millionaire, I would be a professional student), teach abroad (I've always wanted to live abroad), of find another type of job. I've been saying for months that I want to figure it out and I need to just stop keeping myself so busy and get to actually doing some work to figure it out.

While reading the book, I've realized that I'm still having a difficult time with it because I haven't expressed a lot of the anger that I felt. I've always been one to keep things inside me. I've been angry and have showed it through this blog but that's pretty much it. The authors of the book, and from others I've read as well, say that the more one keeps anger in the harder it is for he/she to get through a situation such as this and it then takes a longer time to actually heal. It's difficult because at times I think I've forgiven Josh for his actions, but I still quite a bit hurt and mad at myself for not being what I would call a better wife, in his eyes. I need to find a way to express some of this anger so I can move on to the "Letting Go" stage and truly get back to myself. I know it's a long journey and that the time frame is different for each person, but I do miss my old self and need to get that motivation of figuring out my life back.

Another exercise that I think I'm going to try sometime (probably whenever it is that I move into a new place), is implosive grieving which is recommended under the Letting Go section. In this activity, you bring photos, mementos, pictures, a collection of times that remind you of the past love relationship and put it in a box. Then, set aside some time to go through the items and grieve as heavily and hard as possible, as moving more rapidly(having a good friend around is probably a good idea so the person doesn't have to work through it alone). This intensive grieving process is suppose to "hopefully" help shorten the grieving time (and we all know this is something I could use!). So, once I do figure things out, I'll probably try this exercise. It would be nice to be able to finally look back on the marriage and not feel guilty, not feel sad, not feel like "what the heck just happened", not wonder if he's seeing anyone, not wonder if he completely hates me or just the previous relationship, etc. If this has been shown to help people heal faster, I'm all for it!

On another note, Josh still hasn't sent me the files from the computer that he was suppose to send in June. It's now September and since I am thinking of going to grad school, I really would like my files with my application essays, homework, etc. I asked him a few weeks ago after he contacted me about some other things and he said he burned everything onto CD and was going to send it. I'm trying to decide if I send him another e-mail asking if it's still possible to get the CD's and if so, when?

It's late again and I need to study. Accounting, here I come!

Stop the tears

Please, please, please.

Tears, please go away. I'm tired of crying, after months and months of crying- how is there even any left to shed? Please stop me from hearing about Josh and hearing about his accomplishments and how well he is doing. Stop me from feeling guilty and reminiscing about things I would have liked to gone back and chance. Help me realize that things happen for a reason and that it is okay to be sad but it's also good to get back on the horse and try again. Instead of spouting the tears, help me figure out what exactly is the purpose of my left. Help me stop thinking about the ex when I should be studying, help me get an A in that course and figure out if I want to go back to school or at least what types of jobs to apply for. Help me to stop missing him and his family. Tears, tears, tears, help me get back to the real me.

Yet again, I cried the majority of the day and felt that the divorce was all my fault. I really need to figure out a way to get out of this phase.

Conflicting Feelings

Another day of ups and downs has passed in my life. Again, I thought I was doing well- I hadn't cried since the wedding on Saturday even though I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life (does one ever really know??). Sunday, I procrastinated when I should have been studying. Prior to a nice long walk with a good friend, I plopped down with a book, my dog, and a bag full of "divorce" items, on the grass overlooking a gorgeous lake on a beautiful late summer day and read for three hours. Three chapters of reading Rebuilding: When Relationships End (yes, I'm still reading it!) kept my mind rolling and learning about the divorce recovery process; while random people would come and say "hi" to my dog. Aloneness, Friendship, and Guilt were the chapters that gave me more of an insight of the long road ahead.

Most people complete the aloneness stage one of three ways: hiding and wallowing by oneself all the time, completely attaching the self to another person in a romantic way, or becoming insanely busy to distract oneself from the feelings. I've always been someone that had to be busy (which was another "cause" for the breakdown of the marriage) and for the past 4 1/2 months, it hasn't been any different. Every night of the week, I have something different planned. Monday nights I'll be starting back up at my second job, Tuesdays I have my church group, Wednesdays I have class, Thursdays (I usually have something planned), Friday a dinner, Saturday events, and Sunday church and a walk around the lake. It's not the healthiest way to resolve issues but it helps me clear my mind. I'm definitely not always distracted as I'm in the car a few hours a day and don't listen to much music lately, so I get plenty of thinking time (probably a bit too much). For the time being, I think I'm starting to come to turns and be okay with being "alone" even though I still greatly miss Josh and still cry quite a bit.

The friendship chapter discussed the importance of maintaining friends and building new friendships; especially the latter as many times friendships are lost during a divorce for a variety of reasons (people don't want to take sides, some married couples see divorce as a contagious disease, others don't know how to handle it (especially when they've only known you as a couple)). The chapter stated how important it is not to rush into a romantic relationship and to concentrate on building valuable friendships(so, to my parents, who think I'm nuts for not dating- see there's a very viable reason for me not pursuing dates). Another piece that I found interesting is how one of the most critical components of "surviving" a divorce is to have at least one "life line" friend of the same sex and one "life line" friend of the opposite sex. These "life line" friends are friends you can call any time and be as open and honest about your feelings as possible. I'm very luck in this regard as I do have to say, though I don't have a lot or close by, I do have the best friends any one could ask for.

Guilt, the third chapter I read, went into detail on the different feelings a "dumper" and a "dumpee" would have throughout various stages of the rebuilding process. Typically, a dumper feels more guilt because he/she is the one leaving the marriage whereas a dumpee feels rejection and will do anything to try and make things work. As a dumpee, I did feel as though I would try and do anything to make things work but I also felt a lot of guilt. All of the guilt developed for 2 specific reasons 1) that is who I am and I always feel guilty for things that are even out of control and 2) the long list of my actions that Josh said hurt him (I'm still having a hard time with this). I really wouldn't ever want to hurt anyone, let alone him.

Another reason this chapter struck a chord with me is because it also talked about the stages of depression and how even when one feels he/she is much better, these feelings start to surface and the crying, guilt, feelings of rejection, loneliness start all over (although not quite as intense as before). After this past week, the reading of the chapter came at the perfect time because I was feeling crazy for having all of these feelings reappear and being a basketcase once more. The chapter suggested writing a goodybye letter to everything you are saying goodbye to with the dissolution of the marriage. There was an example in the book and I cried the entire time while reading the woman's letter. I really do think writing the goodbye letter will help and it's a goal of mine for the weekend. This chapter also helped me come to terms with knowing it's okay to still feel this way and that even though 9 months feels like a long time, in actuality I'm not that far behind of where I should be.

The conflicting feelings I have come from the church group I attended tonight. W are starting 40 days of Better Together where we concentrate on the meaning of love; giving to the community and loving one another (not just in the romantic sense). On my drive home, I made a mental list of everyone I wanted to thank and thought about how if this separation/divorce wouldn't have happened I wouldn't have made many of the friends I now have or wouldn't have tried the activities I've become involved in, although quite ironic I have Josh to thank. Yet, once I walked in the door and opened my mail the tears flowed again. For the past month I've been trying to get my name changed back to my maiden name and I sent in everything I was suppose to and I get the papers returned saying they can't accept it because it's not an original. Ummm, I sent in the original I received, it's the only one I have- how am I going to get a new S.S. card if they won't accept the documentation??? It bugged me because I can't change my name on my work accounts until I have a new SS card and even though I really did love my last name (here again, Josh would disagree), I want to cry every time I see the second part of my last name. In this sense, I get angry, because I'm not the one who wanted the divorce so why am I the one who has to change the last name, close all the accounts, take care of the pets, re-organize and plan my future differently, and miss his family terribly?

On a side note, some interesting things which I won't ramble on tonight I about, have happened. A friend of mine, stated that I should write my own soap opera because the things that happen in my life are usually only seen on tv. It reminded me of college, when a majority of my friends would tell me the same thing. Oh well, at least it keeps life interesting.

It's late and I procrastinated on studying again, I think I'll really be paying for it. I studied a bit but probably not as much as I should have but hopefully I can still get an "a".

Not entirely bad

Well, even with all of the nerves, I still made it to the wedding. The wedding itself was absolutely beautiful and just looking at the bride and groom, you could tell how much they truly cared for one another. I tried my hardest not to cry during the ceremony, but that didn't work so well. I was a complete basketcase (I was prepared with my pack of Kleenex). The tears would not stop coming down my face. I thought back to the morning of the wedding, the jitters, seeing each other for the first time, walking down the aisle, the vows, many people afterwards stating they really enjoyed the ceremony because you could tell it wasn't for a show but that we both really cared for one another (although Josh would say I never truly cared for him), the wedding reception with people singing theme songs, all of the people there to celebrate the joining of two people, the dancing, and the fun. All of these memories hit me in the face while sitting in the pew watching the bride and groom and listening to the Pastor.

For me, listening to the vows was probably the most difficult part as I remembered stating our vows "through sickness in health, til death do us part". The vows did mean something to me- although obviously not to him. Another line in the couple's vows that I really liked was the vow to always be "honest with one another". If Josh would have been honest with me throughout our entire relationship, we may not have ended up in this position.

The reception, which was what I was most afraid of because I didn't think I would know anyone, was actually a lot of fun! Friends from high school and middle school were there and we were able to catch up on old times and hear about new adventures- always a good time! And, I didn't even cry once :) (well until I was back in my car that is). Again, it was great to see the bride and groom together and I wish them a lifetime of happiness.