So, this stupid divorce is still affecting me after a really long time. For those of you that have gone through this before, does it get better? Every time I think I'm better and getting back to my true self, I seem to fall right back down. My job is getting busier again, which is a good thing. I have a good set of friends (granted there has been way too much drama that reminds me of high school as of late). I'm now dating a wonderful guy.
But in the dating world, I'm so afraid of making more mistakes that I end up making more mistakes. Often times, I'm too quiet, sometimes I say things when I'm not suppose to, sometimes I'm afraid to say things. He's learned that when there is a topic that is difficult that he needs to ask me three or four times to get my honest opinion. I'm usually too afraid to express my thoughts because everything always comes back to me. Last night, I was too quiet while watching a sporting event, I tried to talk at first but then didn't think he wanted to so I clammed up.
Tonight, our dance class was going for an outing but he couldn't go due to an injury, so I told him that I was debating going to the outing by myself. Unfortunately, he thought I was insinuating that I wanted him to ask me to go and felt that wasn't quite right. I guess I can see how he thought that, but he's said that he wants to hear my thoughts and talk more so I thought I would tell him I was debating on going but didn't want to go by myself. But apparently, it insinuated something else. Maybe I just need to be more quiet or figure out how to not like the guy :)
Coffee shop is closing.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
Fondue disaster
So, the boy and I are taking a salsa class together on Wednesday evenings. I haven't asked him to do anything all week since he needs his time. Tuesday evening, I get a text from him saying "dinner and movie at your place after salsa". I'm so excited, I say yes! Since my oven is not working, I get up early in the morning, head to the grocery store and pick up items for fondue, grab a nice bottle of wine, pick up the apartment, all for a romantic evening. After class, he heads over, I start to pick put everything together, but the oil on the stove, cut the meat, get out the mushrooms and carrots. We're talking, having a good time, I get distracted by animals, realize the oil is smoking. Not thinking, I take the oil of the stove, bring to the fondue set, smoking more. Think it will stop smoking in a little while.
Nope, smoke starts to go everywhere. My cats start hacking, he's hacking, I can't see, Dora (my dog) is wining. This is bad. We try to open windows, only to find out that they have been painted shut. He starts to hammer at a window, hits to hard and breaks the window! He runs out of the apartment because he can't take it anymore, I'm trying to open other windows, check on my animals, and get rid of the smoke. He comes back in and says grab Dora, we're leaving. He saran wraps all of my meat, puts it into the fridge as I am putting my cats under the bed (there's a little space that the smoke isn't going.
We leave and go outside, trying to figure out what to do. Suddenly, I start crying. All I wanted was a nice romantic evening and once again, it didn't happen. As I was telling him this, he says it's okay because he wasn't feeling romantic anyway :( Words were said that were meant to be funny, but rubbed me the wrong was as it reminded me of the same things Josh said when he left. Trying to be funny, he says he can't wait to tell his mom about this and that she doesn't have to worry about getting fat if he stays with me because he can't eat half my meals. He was trying to make a joke, but it just struck the wrong chord. Then the boy proceeded to ask me if I;ve always been like this or just since the divorce. Things have never really gone as planned but I'm always able to laugh. He agrees and says that at least we were making a memory. Still, I'm crying and all I really wanted was a hug. Nope, no hug.
We take Dora and head to a restaurant, eat, come back. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to sleep and he heads home. Dora and I go to the apartment and it's still smokey. Not wanting the food to go to waste, I make stir fry for my lunch and dinner for the following day. As I'm making the stir-fry, it's still smokey, I can't see well, and I end up burning my thumb. Soon, I finish the stir-fry, go to the room to try and sleep but the smoke is still quite think. Off Dora, the cats and I go. We stay in my car for a couple of hours and when I can't really stay awake any longer, I head back to the apartment. Still a little smokey but not quite as bad.
At the time, I was really upset that once again my plans did not go the way I expected. Now, looking back I can laugh at it and just chalk it up to another unexpected story to tell. Maybe one of these days, it will go right :)
Nope, smoke starts to go everywhere. My cats start hacking, he's hacking, I can't see, Dora (my dog) is wining. This is bad. We try to open windows, only to find out that they have been painted shut. He starts to hammer at a window, hits to hard and breaks the window! He runs out of the apartment because he can't take it anymore, I'm trying to open other windows, check on my animals, and get rid of the smoke. He comes back in and says grab Dora, we're leaving. He saran wraps all of my meat, puts it into the fridge as I am putting my cats under the bed (there's a little space that the smoke isn't going.
We leave and go outside, trying to figure out what to do. Suddenly, I start crying. All I wanted was a nice romantic evening and once again, it didn't happen. As I was telling him this, he says it's okay because he wasn't feeling romantic anyway :( Words were said that were meant to be funny, but rubbed me the wrong was as it reminded me of the same things Josh said when he left. Trying to be funny, he says he can't wait to tell his mom about this and that she doesn't have to worry about getting fat if he stays with me because he can't eat half my meals. He was trying to make a joke, but it just struck the wrong chord. Then the boy proceeded to ask me if I;ve always been like this or just since the divorce. Things have never really gone as planned but I'm always able to laugh. He agrees and says that at least we were making a memory. Still, I'm crying and all I really wanted was a hug. Nope, no hug.
We take Dora and head to a restaurant, eat, come back. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to sleep and he heads home. Dora and I go to the apartment and it's still smokey. Not wanting the food to go to waste, I make stir fry for my lunch and dinner for the following day. As I'm making the stir-fry, it's still smokey, I can't see well, and I end up burning my thumb. Soon, I finish the stir-fry, go to the room to try and sleep but the smoke is still quite think. Off Dora, the cats and I go. We stay in my car for a couple of hours and when I can't really stay awake any longer, I head back to the apartment. Still a little smokey but not quite as bad.
At the time, I was really upset that once again my plans did not go the way I expected. Now, looking back I can laugh at it and just chalk it up to another unexpected story to tell. Maybe one of these days, it will go right :)
Maybe the title should be Life of a klutz :)
Well, once again it's been a while since I have written in here. It's a little difficult to write now since I don't have access to the internet in my apartment. There are so many times, I would just love to blog to get feelings and thoughts out, but there seems to be limited time or something comes up.
As usual, my life has been full of dropping things, breaking things, hurting things (unintentionally). A friend of mine recently told me that I should have a camera follow me throughout the day and it would make a pretty good comedy.
Lets start with two weeks ago. In my apartment, I have myself, my two cats, and my dog. One of my cats usually likes to hide yet ever since I've moved in, it seems that she has been quite comfortable with her surroundings. One Friday night, I walked to a dinner and was planning to go home and go watch a movie with the boy. Friends tried and tried to get me to go out, and I refused (I'm a pushover and they were close to getting me to go). I walk home, and as I'm getting to the house I live in, I hear kitty crying. I look and look, thinking maybe it's stuck in a tree or under a car or in the trash or hungry or something. After 10 minutes of looking, I can't find it so I give up. Its dark out, which is why I gave up.
I head into the house and still hear the kitty crying. As I walk up towards my apartment, I'm thinking. "Oh, a neighbor must have gotten a cat and it is not very happy".
The crying seems to be getting louder and louder. I walk into my apartment and realize it's my cat!
I figure she must be stuck in a closet, so I'm going through opening all of my closets. No Nutmeg to be found.
Finally, I realize her cry is coming from the couch. She's in the couch, I start to freak out because I have a small loveseat that reclines and I realize that I shut her in there. I open up the recliners and thought she would just skid out as she would in a closet. Nope, she's still crying and the crying gets louder and louder. I'm under the couch and she's stuck!
She's fighting to get out, yelps loudly, claws flying, and then boom. It's all quiet and she's just laying there. Tears fall from my face as I truly believed I just killed my cat :(. I'm petting her saying "wake up, wake up, wake up". Finally, she moves again. I can't get her out myself so I call my friends who are still at the dinner, hopefully. I get a hold of one friend, in a small voice, I say "my cat is stuck, can someone come help". A few minutes later, 3 people are my apartment! All of them come up and the two guys fuss around a little bit. After a little while, they figure out how to get her out. Once she is free, she runs as fast as she can into the bedroom.
My poor cat, hobbled for a few a days and is still ignoring me. Took her to the vet and she is all well, just a few bruises.
That night, I couldn't fall asleep because everytime I closed my eyes I would see my poor cat laying stuck under the couch.
Thanks to my good friends, my kitty cat was saved :(
As usual, my life has been full of dropping things, breaking things, hurting things (unintentionally). A friend of mine recently told me that I should have a camera follow me throughout the day and it would make a pretty good comedy.
Lets start with two weeks ago. In my apartment, I have myself, my two cats, and my dog. One of my cats usually likes to hide yet ever since I've moved in, it seems that she has been quite comfortable with her surroundings. One Friday night, I walked to a dinner and was planning to go home and go watch a movie with the boy. Friends tried and tried to get me to go out, and I refused (I'm a pushover and they were close to getting me to go). I walk home, and as I'm getting to the house I live in, I hear kitty crying. I look and look, thinking maybe it's stuck in a tree or under a car or in the trash or hungry or something. After 10 minutes of looking, I can't find it so I give up. Its dark out, which is why I gave up.
I head into the house and still hear the kitty crying. As I walk up towards my apartment, I'm thinking. "Oh, a neighbor must have gotten a cat and it is not very happy".
The crying seems to be getting louder and louder. I walk into my apartment and realize it's my cat!
I figure she must be stuck in a closet, so I'm going through opening all of my closets. No Nutmeg to be found.
Finally, I realize her cry is coming from the couch. She's in the couch, I start to freak out because I have a small loveseat that reclines and I realize that I shut her in there. I open up the recliners and thought she would just skid out as she would in a closet. Nope, she's still crying and the crying gets louder and louder. I'm under the couch and she's stuck!
She's fighting to get out, yelps loudly, claws flying, and then boom. It's all quiet and she's just laying there. Tears fall from my face as I truly believed I just killed my cat :(. I'm petting her saying "wake up, wake up, wake up". Finally, she moves again. I can't get her out myself so I call my friends who are still at the dinner, hopefully. I get a hold of one friend, in a small voice, I say "my cat is stuck, can someone come help". A few minutes later, 3 people are my apartment! All of them come up and the two guys fuss around a little bit. After a little while, they figure out how to get her out. Once she is free, she runs as fast as she can into the bedroom.
My poor cat, hobbled for a few a days and is still ignoring me. Took her to the vet and she is all well, just a few bruises.
That night, I couldn't fall asleep because everytime I closed my eyes I would see my poor cat laying stuck under the couch.
Thanks to my good friends, my kitty cat was saved :(
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Tax time!
Tax time is not a favorite time of year for many people, I am assuming. For the first year, I am really not happy with tax time. As usual, I procrastinated and with the divorce from last year- I really should not have procrastinated so long. When we moved back and I first got my job, we thought long and hard about what deductions to take out to get the best return. Well, since our divorce wasn't finalized until late July- I wasn't able to change the deductions until I had the paper work the first week of August. Well, because we had decided to take out more deductions and I wasn't able to change it until late in the year, I now owe a lot to the government since I am considered single :( Definitely not very happy with this situation. When we were deciding the deductions, I should have been more careful and not have just believed what he said, but you live and learn right? Somehow, I need to find a way to make more money to get out of the debt I was left with and get the savings back that I had before we were married.
Okay, I guess that is enough complaining for now.
Work has actually gotten a lot better, though I've been working way too much for the amount that I am paid. But, I get to see people grow, see the cliche "light bulb" click, and hopefully make a positive impact on people's lives. There are still often times that I think it might be nice to work in only one department and have true co-workers, and a boss I see more than often than I do now. Yet in this economy, I just need to be happy that I actually have a job :) And, it's been insane busy which is good too.
On to the dating front. After being out of the dating world for so long- I am so confused. I've been dating, not seriously, the same person for 3 months now. We are quite opposite and many people notice and feel they need to say something as they don't want to see me hurt again. I completely understand and am thankful for the caring, but it makes it quite difficult to be back in the "game" again. For myself, I made sure not to get into a rebound relationship and took a year off from dating. The guy I am seeing waited 9 months to ask me out- but our opposite qualities are quite different. People would say that I am good natured with big heart where people and him included say that he is mean spirited. He's actually had a couple people send him e-mails stating he needs to be nicer to me or he'll lose me. I don't really agree with people meddling into other's business. I do like him, a lot, otherwise we wouldn't be exclusively dating. Yet, at the same time- I still wonder if it would be better to swear off dating for a long time. Many of my friends are of the male species and I enjoy hanging out and learning from them, but I think from having the majority of my friends as males and learning the male view on dating, maybe I am not meant for the dating world. Who knows, just take each day as it is, correct?
So, on to a funny part of my day. Those of you that personally know me, know that I am probably the most uncoordinated person around. This morning, I was shaving and could not figure out why my right shin was green and blue (this happens often). Well, then I remembered that last night, a friend picked me up to go bowling but he has a large truck and I am a fairly small person. I kept having trouble getting into the truck so he shows me the handles to use to get up. So, after bowling I go to get into the truck pull on the handles, all full of confidence, just to slip on foot rest, slide down the side of his truck and slam my shin on the metal! Ouch, and now my leg looks like a little child's drawing. Hopefully, it will go away before our waterpark event in a few weeks.
Coffee shop is closing!
Okay, I guess that is enough complaining for now.
Work has actually gotten a lot better, though I've been working way too much for the amount that I am paid. But, I get to see people grow, see the cliche "light bulb" click, and hopefully make a positive impact on people's lives. There are still often times that I think it might be nice to work in only one department and have true co-workers, and a boss I see more than often than I do now. Yet in this economy, I just need to be happy that I actually have a job :) And, it's been insane busy which is good too.
On to the dating front. After being out of the dating world for so long- I am so confused. I've been dating, not seriously, the same person for 3 months now. We are quite opposite and many people notice and feel they need to say something as they don't want to see me hurt again. I completely understand and am thankful for the caring, but it makes it quite difficult to be back in the "game" again. For myself, I made sure not to get into a rebound relationship and took a year off from dating. The guy I am seeing waited 9 months to ask me out- but our opposite qualities are quite different. People would say that I am good natured with big heart where people and him included say that he is mean spirited. He's actually had a couple people send him e-mails stating he needs to be nicer to me or he'll lose me. I don't really agree with people meddling into other's business. I do like him, a lot, otherwise we wouldn't be exclusively dating. Yet, at the same time- I still wonder if it would be better to swear off dating for a long time. Many of my friends are of the male species and I enjoy hanging out and learning from them, but I think from having the majority of my friends as males and learning the male view on dating, maybe I am not meant for the dating world. Who knows, just take each day as it is, correct?
So, on to a funny part of my day. Those of you that personally know me, know that I am probably the most uncoordinated person around. This morning, I was shaving and could not figure out why my right shin was green and blue (this happens often). Well, then I remembered that last night, a friend picked me up to go bowling but he has a large truck and I am a fairly small person. I kept having trouble getting into the truck so he shows me the handles to use to get up. So, after bowling I go to get into the truck pull on the handles, all full of confidence, just to slip on foot rest, slide down the side of his truck and slam my shin on the metal! Ouch, and now my leg looks like a little child's drawing. Hopefully, it will go away before our waterpark event in a few weeks.
Coffee shop is closing!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Time has flown by....
Wow, it's been a while since I've written in here and I would like to say it is because things have gotten much better. It's been a little better, but not quite as much as I had hoped. The dang accounting class kicked my butt, and I spent quite a bit of time studying and not staying in contact with friends. On Friday, I had six text messages from friends saying they thought he/she were on the low priority of friends last. For pretty much all of December, every single day was taken up by studying....yep, some people thought I was crazy- going completely insane for a class that doesn't count towards anything and that I was taking for fun. I now know why people thought I was a little loony for taking an accounting class "for fun". My brain is not wired in that arena. I have no idea how, but the month of solitude helped me pull off a "b". Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be so excited for a B! All I know, is that I will not be stepping into an accounting class anytime in the near future.
Since my accounting class is over and I'm no longer a complete nutcase (yes, still a little tendencies but at least not 100 percent) i will be trying to get back in touch with my old friends that prior to December I was talking to on a regular basis (you guys know who you are and I am completley apologetic and truly sorry for not being able to catch up with you guys. Late today, I will be calling a bunch of you to catch up.
In terms of the divorce, I'm still trying to mend myself and I've realized it's going to take a lot more time than the alloted year. On December 15th, which was a year from the actual day that Josh decided never to return home, I spent the day at a pub crawl (josh would never picture me at one of those). It wasn't a typical get sloshed pub crawl, it was more of a spend your day with good friends while dressed up like reindeer- it was actually quite fun and I had one friend who spent the entire day with me. He was really kind and said that he knew this would be a tough day for me and wanted to be with me all the way until midnight.
The holidays were a lot easier than I thought they would be, I spent the time housesitting and on Christmas Eve spent the day trying to bake (accidentally almost burned down the house- backing/cooking- not one of my specialties and now I know of a dog that actually knows how to turn a stove on- not good, in my opinion). After lots of little freak-outs, I ended up going to a friends place, who is Jewish, and on Christmas Eve watches horror movies. A couple of us went over there to spend time with friends. Christmas day was spent with family and a good friend and New Year's was spent with family and lots of good friends. Even though, this past year has been a pretty awful experience, I'm still trying to learn from the experience and take away all of the positives such as the new friends I made and the old friends that I still have. In order to continue healing, I am beginning a DivorceCare class next Tuesday. I'm taking it with a couple of my "new" friends and am hoping it will help shed some light on things and help me in some areas that I definitely need some guidance, such as dating.
Speaking of dating, I told myself and I wouldn't date until December 15th and kept to that promise with the minor exception of the guy that I went on a few dates with and then ended up finding out he has a girlfriend. He and I have actually become quite good friends because of the instance, but that wasn't such a great experience and a way to get back in the dating world. After the 15th, a friend who asked back in July, took me on a wonderful date and we've been on quite a few since but there are so many things I don't understand. He told a couple good friends, and myself how interested he has been in me since we became friends and how happy he was that we were friends first but he says things that make me go hmmmmm....
One of the groups that I am involved in is a singles group, and last week in a conversation in regards to the group, h etold me I wasn't single, yet two days later in another conversation he says that he's inviting me to a vacation (that he actually invited to me before all of this "dating" stuff) as someone he is dating, but not seriously, though. I have no idea what to do, and he keeps talking about other potential interests. If we are not serious, I don't care but if he is classifying me as not single, then it is a different story. Unfortunately, I don't work that way, then on a different night, we went to meet some of his friends and after we left, he was quite frustrated with how quiet I am. I tried explaining to him, that's just who I am, but the conversation seemed just as though I was talking to Josh and wasn't fun enough or talkative enough again. Oh well, I tried and now know dating isn't for me and that I still have a lotof healing left,
Tomorrow, thought it is late in the game, I am going to start working on my new year's resolution (of course, one is similar to a lot of girls- lose weight!. I lost a lot of weight between the separation and divorce and have now gained it all back so this time, I would like to healthily lose the weight and tone up a bit. More resolutions for tomorrow.
Since my accounting class is over and I'm no longer a complete nutcase (yes, still a little tendencies but at least not 100 percent) i will be trying to get back in touch with my old friends that prior to December I was talking to on a regular basis (you guys know who you are and I am completley apologetic and truly sorry for not being able to catch up with you guys. Late today, I will be calling a bunch of you to catch up.
In terms of the divorce, I'm still trying to mend myself and I've realized it's going to take a lot more time than the alloted year. On December 15th, which was a year from the actual day that Josh decided never to return home, I spent the day at a pub crawl (josh would never picture me at one of those). It wasn't a typical get sloshed pub crawl, it was more of a spend your day with good friends while dressed up like reindeer- it was actually quite fun and I had one friend who spent the entire day with me. He was really kind and said that he knew this would be a tough day for me and wanted to be with me all the way until midnight.
The holidays were a lot easier than I thought they would be, I spent the time housesitting and on Christmas Eve spent the day trying to bake (accidentally almost burned down the house- backing/cooking- not one of my specialties and now I know of a dog that actually knows how to turn a stove on- not good, in my opinion). After lots of little freak-outs, I ended up going to a friends place, who is Jewish, and on Christmas Eve watches horror movies. A couple of us went over there to spend time with friends. Christmas day was spent with family and a good friend and New Year's was spent with family and lots of good friends. Even though, this past year has been a pretty awful experience, I'm still trying to learn from the experience and take away all of the positives such as the new friends I made and the old friends that I still have. In order to continue healing, I am beginning a DivorceCare class next Tuesday. I'm taking it with a couple of my "new" friends and am hoping it will help shed some light on things and help me in some areas that I definitely need some guidance, such as dating.
Speaking of dating, I told myself and I wouldn't date until December 15th and kept to that promise with the minor exception of the guy that I went on a few dates with and then ended up finding out he has a girlfriend. He and I have actually become quite good friends because of the instance, but that wasn't such a great experience and a way to get back in the dating world. After the 15th, a friend who asked back in July, took me on a wonderful date and we've been on quite a few since but there are so many things I don't understand. He told a couple good friends, and myself how interested he has been in me since we became friends and how happy he was that we were friends first but he says things that make me go hmmmmm....
One of the groups that I am involved in is a singles group, and last week in a conversation in regards to the group, h etold me I wasn't single, yet two days later in another conversation he says that he's inviting me to a vacation (that he actually invited to me before all of this "dating" stuff) as someone he is dating, but not seriously, though. I have no idea what to do, and he keeps talking about other potential interests. If we are not serious, I don't care but if he is classifying me as not single, then it is a different story. Unfortunately, I don't work that way, then on a different night, we went to meet some of his friends and after we left, he was quite frustrated with how quiet I am. I tried explaining to him, that's just who I am, but the conversation seemed just as though I was talking to Josh and wasn't fun enough or talkative enough again. Oh well, I tried and now know dating isn't for me and that I still have a lotof healing left,
Tomorrow, thought it is late in the game, I am going to start working on my new year's resolution (of course, one is similar to a lot of girls- lose weight!. I lost a lot of weight between the separation and divorce and have now gained it all back so this time, I would like to healthily lose the weight and tone up a bit. More resolutions for tomorrow.
Friday, November 23, 2007
First Thanksgiving
It's been quite awhile since I've written in here- things have been quite hectic as of late. Though, not much has changed. I'm still keeping busy which is unfortunately what I do when there are things that I really don't want to face- I end up running away. Every night and every day of the week, I have something going on and I tend not to get home until 1-3 am every morning (and no, I'm not out partying). The busy-ness does it make quite hard to find a place to live, especially when I'm already having a hard enough time with two cats and a dog.
My class is going all right, well, not as good as I would have hoped. Until the last two weeks, I was getting a B+,now I'm down to a C+. That would be my first C ever, and it scares me. Why in the world did I take an accounting class "for fun" and why did I take it for grade and not for audit? I have no idea, I think I had some marbles loose at the time.
In other aspects of my life, today is Thanksgiving which I had been dreading. It's the first one in ten years that I was not with Josh and one of only two that had not been celebrated with his family. I really wasn't sure how I would react and thought I would have probably spent the entire day crying; especially since my family is not very traditional and I miss the traditional meals and sitting and talking at the dinner table. Though, I was dreading the day- it ended up being all right- I took a very well needed three hour nap, spent some time playing Ligretto with my mother, sister-in-law and nephew, went to a movie with a good a friend and spent the majority of the day texting others. It's amazing how many people I have met just because of the separation/divorce with Josh and how incredible each of these people I have met are. Many of them are going through the same things, but they have kids which makes it even harder. My prayers go out to them as I know today was a rough day for many of them.
With Thanksgiving arriving, I was reminded of the letter that Josh's mom sent. It took me a good 2 weeks to finally open the envelope. I was so scared that there would be some mean comments that would make me feel even more guilty (which I am finally starting to overcome). Why I did this, I have no idea, I decided to open the letter while at work. Even though, I often complain about working by myself- I was very thankful in this instance. I ended up crying while working for a good three hours. In the letter she had apologized for waiting so long to write, but that it was very difficult for her because of how things ended and how she had hoped and thought that Josh and I would have been able to find our way back to each other. She had also stated that she had recently told Josh that she really believes there is a reason we were married for such a short time and that there was a reason we were in each other's lives. The part that meant the most to me was when she said that I would always have a special place in her heart. All of the tears flowed out of my eyes because of how heartfelt the letter was and how much I miss talking to her. I miss the casino days, I miss the talks about the future, I miss all of her teaching stories, and I miss her opinions. Someday, I hope we will be able to see each other agaign. The same wish I have for Josh. I'm finally starting to realize that he was probably right, we are quite different from each other and want different things out of life, but I do still miss him and hope that one day he can forgive me and that we can be friends again. Even though, I do miss him and would like to communicate- I have learned a lot over the past six months and have finally have been able to become the real me which unfortunately I hid a lot in the marriage.
It's getting late and my words are starting to be mumble jumble. I hope everyone had a great day today!
My class is going all right, well, not as good as I would have hoped. Until the last two weeks, I was getting a B+,now I'm down to a C+. That would be my first C ever, and it scares me. Why in the world did I take an accounting class "for fun" and why did I take it for grade and not for audit? I have no idea, I think I had some marbles loose at the time.
In other aspects of my life, today is Thanksgiving which I had been dreading. It's the first one in ten years that I was not with Josh and one of only two that had not been celebrated with his family. I really wasn't sure how I would react and thought I would have probably spent the entire day crying; especially since my family is not very traditional and I miss the traditional meals and sitting and talking at the dinner table. Though, I was dreading the day- it ended up being all right- I took a very well needed three hour nap, spent some time playing Ligretto with my mother, sister-in-law and nephew, went to a movie with a good a friend and spent the majority of the day texting others. It's amazing how many people I have met just because of the separation/divorce with Josh and how incredible each of these people I have met are. Many of them are going through the same things, but they have kids which makes it even harder. My prayers go out to them as I know today was a rough day for many of them.
With Thanksgiving arriving, I was reminded of the letter that Josh's mom sent. It took me a good 2 weeks to finally open the envelope. I was so scared that there would be some mean comments that would make me feel even more guilty (which I am finally starting to overcome). Why I did this, I have no idea, I decided to open the letter while at work. Even though, I often complain about working by myself- I was very thankful in this instance. I ended up crying while working for a good three hours. In the letter she had apologized for waiting so long to write, but that it was very difficult for her because of how things ended and how she had hoped and thought that Josh and I would have been able to find our way back to each other. She had also stated that she had recently told Josh that she really believes there is a reason we were married for such a short time and that there was a reason we were in each other's lives. The part that meant the most to me was when she said that I would always have a special place in her heart. All of the tears flowed out of my eyes because of how heartfelt the letter was and how much I miss talking to her. I miss the casino days, I miss the talks about the future, I miss all of her teaching stories, and I miss her opinions. Someday, I hope we will be able to see each other agaign. The same wish I have for Josh. I'm finally starting to realize that he was probably right, we are quite different from each other and want different things out of life, but I do still miss him and hope that one day he can forgive me and that we can be friends again. Even though, I do miss him and would like to communicate- I have learned a lot over the past six months and have finally have been able to become the real me which unfortunately I hid a lot in the marriage.
It's getting late and my words are starting to be mumble jumble. I hope everyone had a great day today!
Sunday, November 4, 2007
and so goes the worrying
For awhile I had been pretty proud of myself as I use to be a constant worry wart about the most random items. For the past five months, I had started to worry less. Until this weekend.
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